My estranged Dad has 2 weeks to live

[OpalDreamer]

Hi guys,

I'm not really sure what the point in this post is - but here we go.

I'm a 26 year old female - My parents got divorced when i was 3, and i didn't see my Dad again until I was 15 - and i haven't seen him now since I was 18. I don't have a great relationship with my Mum either but that's a wholeeee other story.

Anyway, i now live with my partner of over 3 years, his parents and our 2 year old daughter.

I was in work on Friday, and my older sister messaged me (she lives hundreds of miles away, we have never met as only found out she existed a few years back) - she then rang me to tell me that our Dad is riddled with Cancer and has been given 2 weeks to live - apparently he was given this news last Tuesday.

My instant reaction was to cry - but why?
I feel confused - part of me thinks it's due to always hoping that he would feel bad for not making the effort and come back into my life at some point and be the Dad i needed.

So I stayed in work after that as i knew i had to stay busy. I got home that night and was also kept busy by my little family (love the distraction).
When my little one went to bed, i couldn't help but just sit in bed and sob. I haven't got any contact details for him and i felt a sudden rush of guilt. So i found the hospital's number on Google (he lives around 2 hours from me), and i called them. i gave his name and date of birth, hoping it was the right hospital - and it was. They put me through to the ward and the nurse said she will ring me back (i'm guessing he was possibly sleeping, eating, having meds etc).

5 minutes later, i get a call from a private number and it was the nurse again saying she's just going to put me through to him. After the longest minute of my life, i hear 'Hello Emily' in the most raspy and tired voice - he is 69 years old but you can tell he is unwell just from his voice. Again, hearing his voice just made me cry but i didn't want to upset him so i held it together as best i could.
I don't remember much of the convo as it only lasted a few mins but he was telling me about the Cancer, how it spread (some of it i didn't understand as the cancer is in his throat so i'm guessing he finds it hard to talk - i didn't want to ask him to repeat himself). He asked if myself, my brother and sister would please go and see him before he passes.

So long story short, we are driving up to see him tomorrow. Part of me is anxious to see him as i barely know him. I couldn't tell you his favourite food, music or Film.

Also to add, he has security and mental health staff with him 24/7 in the hospital as he's been getting confused, violent and taking out his cannulas and refusing meds. However, since i spoke with him lastnight, my step mum (who got in contact today after 10ish years) has said that he is much calmer and 'happier' today so i'm hoping this is a bit of a turning point for him and that we can help this be as easy for him as possible.

Again, i don't know what the point of my post is - but i feel absolutely distraught about him but i barely know him - is this normal?

**sorry if i've missed anything out, my head is all over the place at the moment

I'm really sorry for what you are going through, it must be hard. I think it's good that you're seeing him, as tough as it will be. I've been through something similar and unanswered questions and regrets are really difficult. Good luck and I hope it brings you some peace.

Hi @OpalDreamer ,

Didn't want to read and run, I need to go to bed so this will be brief. It is infinitely harder to grieve a parent you have a complicated relationship with than one you have a happy relationship with.

I've lost both kinds. The complicated ones, their death means the end of any chance of their changing and being the parent you need. You are grieving their loss doubly, every child of parents that were cold, abusive or absent hopes that they will finally receive real parental love, no matter how old you get.

Say goodbye, but try not to feel conflicted and canonise the dead, he chose to be an absent and a crap parent, you were a child and he chose to neglect his responsibilities towards you and presumably your siblings.

Get a family therapist specialising in estrangement if you can afford it, I think it is really important having been in your shoes myself.

Be kind to yourself and be proud you built a happy family, it's an achievement from our backgrounds. x

Dear @OpalDreamer - I am also estranged from my dad. I think about this scenario a lot and wonder what I would do. Your reactions are very understandable. I imagine this will have knocked you for six. Will you have support from your partner and their parents when you return? I imagine it will be emotionally exhausting whichever way it goes. I hope your lovely little family will take very good care of you when you return to them. Take care ❤️

Iv been through similar, and once you get over the raw grief it does get easier. You have got the chance to say goodbye and now just need to accept that, that is the extent of your relationship, having a good or bad relationship with your mother actually makes no difference. The father daughter relationship is what it is, independent of anything else.

Accept the grief, work with it and accept that's how it is.

Acceptance is everything, hoping things were different doesn't help or work.

Sending hugs at this sad time

I went through similar. I travelled to see him and I'm so glad I did. Yes, it's normal. Please don't feel the need to justify or rationalise your tears, cry and grieve all you need to. Go with it. I was distraught. I cried and cried until there was nothing left, and still cry about it sometimes years later. I'm so sorry. I really hope it goes ok today, as ok as can be under the circumstances.