Decision to separate and now guilt ridden

[Bella8209]

I posted a short while back about my husband having a hobby that took priority over family life and his lack of help in general with the home/garden/kids. In hindsight, I I think I had already emotionally checked out of the relationship as this has been the way for years. But after being away on holiday together as a family, I realised that I didn’t want to go back to this life of feeling like I’ve 3 kids and not two. We had a frank discussion (again) today but this time, he didn’t argue back when I suggested we would be better apart. Which I was surprised about but felt an enormous sense of relief almost straight away. But then, in the hours that followed, I’m now racked with guilt about the upheaval that will follow for the kids. It’s not like I didn’t think this through before, that’s the reason I’ve stayed married to him for the last 4 years because I didn’t want to upset them. But equally, I can’t be unhappy for the rest of my life. I feel when the kids are grown up and left home, we’d have zero in common. And he’s now been looking forlorn all afternoon which isn’t helping either! Anyone felt similar?

I feel the same, sometimes we just outgrow our s.o and can still love them but your not compatible anymore, I personally think children are better off when not growing up seeing their parents in an unhappy marriage.

No one should stay in a negative marriage for their children's sake. It's the opposite of what is best for them.

You've split. It's the best for them, you and it's just too bad it's not for him.. He should have thought about the consequences when he put himself first.

I’m divorced and it’s 100% normal to feel a whole rollercoaster of feelings for the next few months. Feelings will stabilise eventually 💐

What makes you think you will hit a dating scene after divorce and suddenly meet someone who will make you happy for the rest of your life? Divorce used to be reserved for things like infidelity, active addiction, domestic violence. It doesn't even look you tried marriage counselling yet. If you are already feeling guilty imagine what your first Christmas as a divorced woman is going to look like. It looks like your husband has accepted your decision. However I remember sitting in a solicitor's office and someone asked an old woman the secret behind her 40 years old marriage. Her reply "In the days we got married broken things were mended, not thrown away "

🙄@Kosenrufugirl

You’re being rather presumptuous. Absolutely nothing makes me think that. I’ve absolutely no intention of hitting the dating scene and I very much got married with the intention of being married for life. We’ve been married 18 years. But I am worn into the ground by having to do all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, looking after the kids, working 4 days a week from 8-6 while he leads the life of a single guy outside of work while reaping the benefits of a comfortable life at home. I’ve tried and tried over the last few years to make him see this isn’t feasible going forward and he agrees to change, and does for the short term but then things go back as they were. I’ve suggested counselling multiple times before, but he’s always refused as he didn’t think there was a problem. I’m permanently exhausted, worn out and fed up of trying to play happy families. But because it’s me that’s made the decision I can no longer go on, it’s me that’s the bad guy??

Thank you x

Thank you x

Ignore the ignorant dinosaur above.

It's no fun growing up in a home where there are frequent arguments and both parents are unhappy, speaking from experience, I wish my parents had split up rather than having grown up in a toxic atmosphere. It's a burden for children to know that their unhappy parents are staying together for them,

You're doing the right thing.

I agree, it’s just difficult and I’ll be honest not something I ever envisaged happening 😢

Did this really happen though? You were sat in a solicitor’s office & someone asked an old woman the secret of a long marriage? Sounds like a meme or you trying to back up your story of people should just put up with crap rather than making a (sensible?) decision to ensure the children grow up with a healthy attitude towards relationships.

It’s a hard call to have to make, I’m actually sitting on the fence myself but we need to put our mental health and the kids first they don’t deserve to see their mum stressed, upset and unhappy x

Thanks, it’s nice to hear from a ‘child’s’ perspective. Thank you for commenting. And yes, above comment completely missing the point of my post! 🙈

Sending big hugs to you x

My ex husband did cheat but I could probably have got over that. I would probably also have stayed with him through addiction if he was willing to seek help. What I couldn’t get over was the total lack of practical and emotional support and failure to put any effort into parenting. So for example I woke up with a fever whilst pregnant with our second- my ex still wouldn’t get up to look after our 2 year old because he was tired. This x 1000 in various guises felt like a total betrayal to me.

I could theoretically have fixed it but only by agreeing to take on 99% of the domestic work and childcare myself without complaining about it. And this is probably what women did in the past.

OP I think you have to expect to feel a lot of difficult and mixed emotions about it. Staying or going is often framed as a “choice” but the “choice” to stay essentially involves acting a part often for years. It is very hard to keep that up sufficiently that the children won’t be exposed to arguments or a toxic atmosphere. In my case, I didn’t see how I would be able to bite my tongue and accept my ex’s behaviour for 18+ years even if I’d wanted to. And if I had I’d have been modelling a relationship where the woman does all the drudgery. So I think one way to reframe this is is there even a genuine option to stay and what would that look like and would you actually be capable of hiding your true feelings about your relationship from your children?

You are doing the right thing. Nothing worse than a man who does fuck all to help. Biggest turn off ever!

Women are brought up as people pleasers and do decisions like this are hard. Looking forlorn is not a good reason to stay together. He is probably forlorn as he is wondering who will put up with his shit in the future! He might actually have to pull his finger out!

I feel something similar. Relief at times then worry I'm making a big mistake.

I didn't mean to upset you, apologies if I did. Your initial post made no reference you suggested counselling and he refused. I have a lot of divorced friends. Life as a divorced woman is hard. Your garden will probably suffer and so will your cooking. Plus you will feel acute loneliness when the children are with him. Ultimately if one party isn't willing to compromise there is no way forward. Now that you have served him the final notice i would be interested to know his final view on counselling. Even if you are beyond willing to reconcile, it would be good to go into divorce as amicably as possible. Airing feelings and grievances in front of a marriage counsellier could go a long way towards a cheaper and more amicable divorce. A qualified marriage counsellor will always say some marriages are better off being dissolved.

He’s still refusing counselling. And the garden already suffers because I can’t keep it up by myself. It’s a huge garden and the house was a doer upper when we moved here. It’s constantly needing things done but he’s never here to help
with things. I didn’t want this house but at the time we moved there was little else on the market we could afford and he wouldn’t rent for a while until something more suitable came along. Annoyingly the work is pretty much now all done in the house but we’ll probably have to sell it. Apart from the stress of missing my girls, there’s nothing else keeping me in this marriage. I’m lonely most of the time as it is as he’s never here in the evenings. We’re like passing ships
that share a house

I am really sorry to read your update. It's not the situation you ever saw yourself in 18 years ago. I have been in your shoes. Would you consider reading Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It? You are in a very lonely place. However sometimes it's possible to crawl out of unhappy marriage spell if at least one person is willing to give it a go. I am not saying you must give it a go. Personally, I wanted to file for divorce many times (and said so). The house renovation phase was definitely the worst bit. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my children's first Christmas after divorce. Now the children are older and house renovation is almost done my husband and I are much happier with each other