Have you ever written your DH a letter?

[LongStoryLong]

Just after some perspective if possible. My DH is a good guy basically, but our relationship has deteriorated over the last few years on my side, because I perceive he’s let me down a few times (no cheating or anything like that, more dropping the ball professionally and financially, and now increasingly domestically.) I love our family, I really love(d?) him, and I want us to be better, not to split us up. But his behaviour is bringing out the worst in me, and I’m also now fairly highly anxious a lot of the time, and I can’t even contemplate having sex with him, which makes me really sad.

This is not AIBU, but: WIBU to write him a letter? A kind one, just laying out how I feel, and offering marriage counselling. But at the same time saying, firmly, that something has to change because I really don’t want to carry on like this? Has anyone done this, successfully or unsuccessfully? I’ve tried talking, loads of times, but we’ve got into this pattern of arguing and whataboutery and I hate it and nothing really changes. Any thoughts?

In what ways has he dropped the ball? Writing it down might help get things straight in your head. If you feel it's the only way to get across to him then do it, you won't have been the only person ever to do it.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP, it sounds painful. I have written a letter but not actually given it to the recipient in the end. It definitely helped me to get stuff clear in my head. Here’s the thing though: a letter may not fundamentally change anything. If your DH is a basically aware human being,, he knows he’s not pulling his weight and he knows you’re not happy. A letter may shock him into his senses temporarily but it’s unlikely to be a permanent turning point. But I guess it could get the ball rolling on counselling etc which may improve things.

i hope that doesn’t sound harsh, I just think you need to write it with the awareness that you are primarily doing it for yourself and your expectations of his reaction are managed.

Yes twice. I wrote once on our wedding night with masses of love and hope and positivity and promises for a long and stable marriage. The second time was when his behaviour in a certain aspect of our life had become untenable and it really had come down to make or break. Along the lines of I want to stay married to you but I cannot if this behaviour continues and I will leave DVD taje the children. It did have the desired effect and behaviour did improve. It has deteriorated again but the kids are older and we are more stable financially so I don’t get as bothered by it now.

So much to think about here. Yupppp The idea that I’d be doing it primarily for myself is one I’ve had before, and I think I’m ok with that. I’ve also wanted to suggest counselling for a while now, but until now i’ve backed away at the last minute. When I first started to say some of the things that are bothering me, his reaction was shock. But nothing ever changed, and now he’s used to me getting pissed off about stuff he fucks up, so he reacts angrily and finds fault with me in turn. It’s exhausting and upsetting.

Pussy thank you for sharing your experience. Your first letter sounds lovely! And the second sadly much more like the one I want to send. I can see that our position too is very situational. The children are fairly young, we both work full time, there’s a lot TO do, so it’s easy for the balance to skew. I also think that if I felt more secure now, in terms of trusting him to take responsibility for stuff, it would help me to get over the times he’s let me down in the past.

Oh and Mmhmmn little and big stuff: a badly-judged and executed career move which left the whole family high and dry was the first thing I guess. Then saying he’d looked into a tax thing but he hadn’t and we were landed with a massive and unexpected bill. I try to put that stuff behind me but it’s made difficult by the monthly SMS I get from the bank telling me we’re in overdraft, and the fact he doesn’t lock the car or the door at night, or clean the shoes or look after the children’s bikes or do ANY household maintenance, so it feels like I can’t rely on him, past or present. I can do all that myself, and I do, but the more I take on, the less he does, rendering himself obsolete effectively. And I also know that, if I do it myself without expecting anything from him, it’s hard work but I worry less and don’t get angry at all! So really, why am I still cooking his meals and folding his pants?

A bit different to your situation, but I have to my partner. He has EUPD and perceives just about everything as an attack or him being worthless, and can easily slip into an episode. I got so fed up of trying to voice my problems and it always leading to more problems.....so I resorted to a letter. I didn't just reel off all my problems, I also included plenty of positives hoping this would prevent him from catastrophising and feeling worthless. It worked in solving my problems, and he's kept the letter. It now lives in his tool box at work, so when he's having a bad day with constant negative thinking and I'm not there to offer reassurance, he uses the positives in the letter to remind him I care, but also the negatives to remind him he's made progress with addressing issues.
I think if you're careful with how you word it and don't just go in all negative, it can help

I've done this a few times in my last two relationships - recently when my partner and I were having problems, it wasn't quite a letter I wrote, but three lists - one of things I felt I needed to work on (that came first), one of things I NEEDED him to work on for us to stay together, and one of things I would ideally like him to address tho not deal breakers.

It worked actually and has really really helped us - I think because I kept it quite factual and solution-focused rather than banging on about the past (which can be a a valid thing to do of course, but I know gets on his nerves, and I even bore myself with it at times). He read it, said he agreed with all points, and so it has been something we can refer back to since, if that makes sense? Even the process of writing it was good for me to be honest - it really helped me sift and clarify how I was feeling and what I wanted to happen .

So yeah, I do think letters can help but I would keep it focused on the future and what you want, rather than past recirminations.

My ex was prone to writing letters about how everything was basically my fault and due to my inherent moral weakness (tho perplexingly he still wanted me to get back with him). Unsurprisingly it made me want to stab him....

Good luck OP - hope you can work it out!

I think if marriage counselling is your goal (which I'm all for), then I think you just tell him that you want to go to marriage counselling and reassure him that it’s not because you want to end your marriage, but because you’re unhappy and you want to work on it so that things get better. Then discuss your issues within the counselling where you have a third party present who can mediate.

I think the downside of a letter outlining the issues is that it could result in a lot of promises, but not much change. That's because it takes more than a letter to overcome bigger issues. But I do think writing things down can be very helpful ordering thoughts and feelings for yourself.

This is actually more similar to our situation than I first thought, because I suspect my DH has ADHD, and one of the things I’ve been begging him to do to address these overlying issues is get some specialist organisational support from an ADHD coach. He hasn’t done anything about this.

However, his self-esteem is affected, and this does feed into the difficulties. Thanks, I appreciate your input.