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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don’t want to throw everything away but….

20 replies

Anastas1a · 20/07/2024 19:52

Hey ladies I’m going through the thick of it, I’m in a long term relationship and hubby to be recently started drinking every night (he has never been a drinker) I’ve addressed this he said it was due to a few family and friends deaths this year. Cut a long story short he admitted he had also occasionally started to use cocaine, I told him I absolutely cannot tolerate this and he said he wouldn’t do it again although still stays up late drinking whilst I sleep. We were having a few drinks in the garden as I don’t drink through the week and usually fancy a bottle of wine to wind down on the weekend, he was telling me about a friend getting back with an ex after a long separation, I said I’ve never done that and mentioned that I would find it hard to reconcile with an ex, I also mentioned my two exes (from nearly 20 years ago that I never really talk about or think of,and had no contact with or seen or heard from since we broke up) make me feel sick and I’d find it difficult to go back personally, later on that evening we had a disagreement whilst under the influence and he began getting angry saying that I’m a liar and there’s an old photo of my ex in the attic I explained calmly my dad dropped an old box of photos off when he sold his house and just not had time to go through it but he got very loud in my face then started saying I’m sleeping with someone from work and cheating etc he poked me in the head and pushed his head on mine, he was invading my personal space shouting and quite scary. There is no legitimate reason for him thinking I’m having an affair I’m very loyal, don’t even have male friends, I don’t even know where it has come from, he apologised but I really can’t move past it, I asked him could we talk today out of the house so we can address the issues, but he got angry and said he has nothing to talk about and basically I’m the one with the problem. I just feel he’s acting so out of character by being paranoid, aggressive and not wanting to work through our problems that maybe he’s on something, as it’s really not in his nature to be so paranoid and insecure. I asked him if he had taken any drugs after his outburst the next day and he said no just drank too much said sorry but didn’t seem very remorseful, I want to try save the relationship but he refuses to talk about anything and I’m so depressed at the thought of having to walk away, but don’t know if I can support him if he has an addiction which he won’t admit to. Sorry for the long post I have no one to talk to.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 20/07/2024 19:56

Bad tempered, hostile, abusive for no reason? Has he got something to hide? I'd be very careful about marrying this man. Maybe he doesn't actually want to get married?

Mrsttcno1 · 20/07/2024 20:00

Dillydollydingdong · 20/07/2024 19:56

Bad tempered, hostile, abusive for no reason? Has he got something to hide? I'd be very careful about marrying this man. Maybe he doesn't actually want to get married?

Absolutely this.

It does sound like the effects of cocaine but could equally be too much to drink + something to hide himself making him extra defensive.

In all honesty though coke or no coke, addiction or no addiction, he’s drinking to excess and being physically violent and threatening towards you. These things don’t just simply go away, they get worse and worse and escalate but even it you were the exception and it never escalated past where you are right now, is that what you want for your life? Being treated that way?

Anastas1a · 20/07/2024 20:05

Mrsttcno1 · 20/07/2024 20:00

Absolutely this.

It does sound like the effects of cocaine but could equally be too much to drink + something to hide himself making him extra defensive.

In all honesty though coke or no coke, addiction or no addiction, he’s drinking to excess and being physically violent and threatening towards you. These things don’t just simply go away, they get worse and worse and escalate but even it you were the exception and it never escalated past where you are right now, is that what you want for your life? Being treated that way?

your so right and yet I know all this but guess I needed to hear it, it just hurts so much this is not the person I got engaged to and finding it hard to come to terms with

OP posts:
Anastas1a · 20/07/2024 20:08

@Dillydollydingdong he’s very immature for his age so could be the case, I’d probably say the same if i was giving advice to someone else

OP posts:
Anastas1a · 14/10/2024 16:04

Update: he admitted to having a drink and drug problem after I caught him messaging a girl practically half our age and has an only fans account. Blames being high .

OP posts:
NeckolasCage · 14/10/2024 16:07

Get rid.

Bananalanacake · 14/10/2024 16:07

Better to not get married, can you move out, who owns the house

JaneYellow · 14/10/2024 16:12

Well let’s see, he is drinking heavily, taking drugs, messaging a younger woman, has been violent towards you and is generally unpleasant. What are you waiting for? Does he need to commit murder or rape before you break up with him? Dump him. Do not marry him. (I understand you have invested a lot of time in this relationship so it’s not easy.)

Trickedbyadoughnut · 14/10/2024 16:14

There is no way to "work through" or "save" a relationship with physical abuse. There is nothing that justifies or excuses it.

candycane222 · 14/10/2024 16:14

Ugh he is in no state to get married is he? This mess is all his to sort out.

Anyway I would not be able to get past his aggressive, abusive behaviour. The drink might have loosened his inhibitions, but that attitude to you, his fiancee, was obviously in there somewhere. On the odd occasion my dh has got drunk, he becomes silly and giggly, not paranoid and aggressive. Because he is not a shitty person. I fear your (stbx) fiance is.

Sandwichgen · 14/10/2024 16:17

You didn’t throw anything away, he did

Singleandproud · 14/10/2024 16:23

Why did you not get rid of him months ago?

This is not going to improve until he hits rock bottom and he won't do that with you trying to save him.

Just end it, be glad it was before you got married and move on and start a fresh.

AutumnLeaves24 · 14/10/2024 19:03

@Anastas1a

you NEED to leave the relationship.

I understand you love who you thought he was, I get that you think you might get that version back if you support him.

you won't, it doesn't actually exist.

if you stay, the chances of him killing you are high.

get out while you can xx

Anastas1a · 14/10/2024 19:14

Thanks ladies this was the last straw for me but I honestly feel so sick, I can’t eat I’ve dropped 5lbs in a few days, my chest is hurting like in actual physical pain, but every time I feel weak I come on here and get a reality check xxx

OP posts:
Anastas1a · 14/10/2024 19:16

Singleandproud · 14/10/2024 16:23

Why did you not get rid of him months ago?

This is not going to improve until he hits rock bottom and he won't do that with you trying to save him.

Just end it, be glad it was before you got married and move on and start a fresh.

he Blamed drinking too much and promised to never do it again, more fool me. He wants to go rehab and come off social media now he’s been caught but I can’t get over all the lies.

OP posts:
Anastas1a · 14/10/2024 19:17

Sandwichgen · 14/10/2024 16:17

You didn’t throw anything away, he did

wise words x

OP posts:
Anastas1a · 14/10/2024 19:21

Bananalanacake · 14/10/2024 16:07

Better to not get married, can you move out, who owns the house

It’s joint tenancy but he’s very remorseful as he’s been caught out, said he will give me space and time and will wait for however long it takes blah blah blah

OP posts:
unsync · 14/10/2024 19:35

Anastas1a · 14/10/2024 19:16

he Blamed drinking too much and promised to never do it again, more fool me. He wants to go rehab and come off social media now he’s been caught but I can’t get over all the lies.

So he's not even taking responsibility for his actions? At least you found out all this before you married him.

WhatIsThisTomFoolery24 · 14/10/2024 19:39

He is only remorseful because he got caught!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 14/10/2024 20:38

WhatIsThisTomFoolery24 · 14/10/2024 19:39

He is only remorseful because he got caught!

Totally this. Throw this one back, you're worth much better

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