Under same roof - going insane

[endisnighplease]

Looking for advice on how to survive whilst still living under same roof as ex.

I have nowhere I can go and ex refuses to leave despite having options. 2 children still at home.
We are at least in separate bedrooms but the situation is becoming increasingly toxic.

We are waiting for our house sale to exchange (please God 🤞). in the meantime ex has totally checked out of doing anything, including parenting, housework or basic house maintenance.

I am trying my hardest to do it all but have neither the time or funds to deal with the maintenance side of things. I work 45 hours a week and no one else is lifting a finger to help. I am scared that if the sale falls through and the house goes back on the market we will be screwed.

DS 20 is also becoming increasingly hostile towards me; mainly because he is following ex's lead and I am the only one setting boundaries or expectations. Ex doesn't parent him, just throws his money around.
This evening DS has sworn and shouted at me and like ex is treating me/this house like shit.

I can't cope with this for much longer and just feel totally bullied. I am exhausted and my MH is on the floor.

Bump 🙏

That all sounds incredibly difficult! I was in a similar situation and I had to keep repeating affirmations in my head that this awful time would eventually pass and I would be happy again. It was the only thing I could cling onto when my mh was rock bottom and I was considering suicide.
i really hope your house sale goes through and you can have your own sanctuary where you can be at peace. The ex sounds pathetic if he’s not even willing to parent his kids or help with a few chores now. As for your son - could he be feeling depressed about you and his dad splitting so he is wanting to apply blame to someone and sees you as the easier target? Maybe your ex has been filling his head with rubbish about you too.
can you find even 20 mins a day to do something nice for yourself even if it’s just lying on bed scrolling through some nice ideas of how you’ll decorate your new place. Anything to distract yourself and take your mind off what’s currently happening x

So sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like the end is in sight but I’d stop doing anything for ex or DS. Just drop the rope like ex has on anything you possibly can - washing, cooking etc. Grey rock ex and ds if he is acting in a similar way and focus on the end being near. Can you get out of the house regularly to see family/friends or even splash out on a hotel room for a night?

As above. Stop doing anything for either of them. They are both adult men.

You very clearly need to look after yourself.
That means...looking after yourself. Only do for you. Do nothing for them.

Do everything physically and mentally that you need. You have no capacity to do anything else for anyone else.

You cannot change their behaviour but you can change yours.

Tell your adult son that if he continues to talk to you like that, he can move out. Let him live with his dad when the sale goes through if you can't get him out. Be firm with him as his behaviour is disrespectful and unacceptable.

Stop running around after your children if they're adults. They can fend for themselves and clean up after themselves. Get their stuff put it in bin bags and dump it in their rooms if they refuse to clean up.

Focus on getting through this. Grey rock your husband and disengage from him. Avoid being in the same room. Stay in your room if you have to. Get counselling if you can.

I can relate, except our children are younger. Some days worse than others but I keep reminding myself this is why I pulled the plug, I tell myself I am grateful he reminds me I made the right decision. Do the best you can for you! Our house hasn't even gone on the market yet so I have a bit to go, but we will get there! Best wishes OP

Can you go and stay somewhere else and walk away?

Will DS be expecting to move with you or his father? Make it clear he won't be moving into your new place with you (and I assume the other child) if he can't treat you or the family house with respect. Let him mull that over. You have to mean it though otherwise his actions will never change.

There's nothing you can do with stbx except grey rock or avoid but remind yourself that one day you will be gone/house sold. It WILL happen.

I'm the same as you. Trapped in the house until contracts are exchanged. It really does your head in!

I've been advised not to leave - it could be classed as "abandonment".
Also I can't remotely afford it as would
still be liable for the mortgage on this house.

Have also discovered he's using our joint account that was purely meant for utitlies, for personal use. I left the account open in good faith because I didn't want the hassle of moving direct debits but clearly I was stupid.

The account was already overdrawn and I was single handedly trying to clear it; that amount is now increasing

Speak to the bank immediately. I'm under the impression you cannot close an overdrawn account until it is cleared. Explain that you are in the middle of a divorce and ask how the bank can protect you, hopefully they will freeze it until the overdraft is cleared. Make sure this is listed as debt on your divorce form.

Close/stop anything in joint names as he can screw up your future credit. The only thing I would be happy to keep joint is the council tax as it can be used as ID.

Actually - are you divorced or were you partners? Advice is different if you were married.

Move the joint account money.
Stop doing anything (for anyone!) above what you need.
Push your solicitor/agent to complete asap, but make sure the money goes to you both equally.

Where is ds20 expecting to live post sale?

We are married - waiting for conditional order.
Have spoken to bank about getting account frozen.

DS is at at university for next 3 years

He will be home for long holidays from uni, make sure he goes and stays with his dad if he's treating you like that.