Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Having a crush on someone

8 replies

noschoolmumrun · 20/07/2024 15:31

Been married to DH 14 years. Been together on and off for nearly 30 years and he was my first and only boyfriend.
We have two DC both teenagers.
I've not been 100% happy in my marriage. My DH has had some serious drinking issues - we've had police round when he went missing and he's lost work because of his drinking. Anyway the binges got less and less and he went completely teetotal finally 3 years ago.
But I worry it will come back..
Thing is I think that has broken my trust in him too even though He's a proactive DH who wants to do things.

Six years ago he got a very well paid job and was in the job for four years. But two years ago he left it - saying his new boss was gunning for him.
We have enough money coming in but I feel - and maybe it's my perimenopause hormones - that life is passing me by.
I only gave myself to blame that my dreams are not being fulfillled.
We haven't had sex in over a year and he has put in loads of weight. He's now on a weight loss drug so he's trying really hard.
A few weeks ago I helped out at a school event and got chatting to one of the dads - his two DC are the same ages as both of ours. I've seen him at the school gates for years.
He's quite good looking but I never chatted to him much and thought he was quite arrogant. Now schools out for summer I won't see him and for some reason this has left me bereft.
I've no intention of leaving my DH. Please tell me this feeling will go away and I can feel normal and bored again.

OP posts:
BouquetGarni224 · 20/07/2024 15:36

Crushes are normal.

They happen even if you're ok in your relationship, but it sounds like you're not ok in your relationship.

Whether it's worth leaving it or not .... Only you can work out.

(There is obviously no future with the school Dad unless he's single).

noschoolmumrun · 20/07/2024 15:54

I think this has made me realise I've been making do with my life.
I need to do things that make me happier. My husband is in a health kick so that is good.
He's committed to it.
Only thing is the things I enjoy are going to put me in the path of this man.
I'm a member of a local gym and I suspended my membership for a few months to finish a work project.
I was going to start going back in august as I've got swimming lessons booked - I was really looking forward to going back- but I realise I'm going to have to cancel this it because the dad is a member there and I don't want to run into him.
He's not single either but I do know he's attracted to me. I could tell from our conversations. That was probably why I started 'noticing' him. My crush was the result of getting strong vibes from him.
Anyway his family have gone away for a couple of weeks so if I can get the idea of him out of my system by then I'll be fine.
Maybe I should avoid the gym (I love running and cycling and I have dogs I can walk and chill out with.
This is a midlife crisis but I can see from other posters on MN this is not uncommon so maybe I need to use this as a springboard to make healthy changes.

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 16:11

this sounds absolutely horrific for the poor kids involved

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 16:11

I've no intention of leaving my DH.

great

Warriorworrier · 20/07/2024 16:37

If you haven’t been intimate with your husband for a while and he shows you little affection then it is easy to see why this slight flirtation with another man has developed in to a crush. I doubt it is anything more than that, but I think you are right to keep your distance from him.

The thing to do is to focus on your marriage, what it is lacking that is preventing your happiness. You say your husband is proactive and wants to do things. It sounds like he will be open to working on any problems you bring to him.

It is easy to get too comfortable with each other when you have been together for such a long time. To forget the importance of making one another feel special, wanted, needed. To assume the other person is happy with the status quo and not want to cause conflict.

You have clearly had some rough patches down to his alcoholism. Now things are a lot smoother, it is understandable to not want to ‘rock the boat’. But you deserve happiness and to feel fulfilled. It would be wrong to not at least try to rekindle the spark you once held for each other.

SmokinPole · 20/07/2024 16:50

Just get him shagged already, he's woken something up in you that needs attention.

BouquetGarni224 · 20/07/2024 22:18

I was going to start going back in august as I've got swimming lessons booked - I was really looking forward to going back- but I realise I'm going to have to cancel this it because the dad is a member there and I don't want to run into him.
He's not single either but I do know he's attracted to me. I could tell from our conversations. That was probably why I started 'noticing' him. My crush was the result of getting strong vibes from him.
Anyway his family have gone away for a couple of weeks so if I can get the idea of him out of my system by then I'll be fine.

Mate, you're like that US politician who says he can't/won't be alone with a woman other than his wife..... Do you not have any self control/respect??!

He's an attractive man, so ... - there are a few around.
It seems like he's attracted to you ... I'm sure it's happened before in your life, eh.

So what?

He's married.
He's not single,
he's not available.
He's got kids

He might have leaked some attraction but that doesn't mean he'd ever do anything about it. I'm sure you're not the only woman he's ever been attracted to aside from his wife, while married or not.

If he were to do anything, you'd both be cheating. You'd be in danger of fucking up two families and several people's lives. You'd also be persona non grata at the school and any school afterwards that people know you at ... because you'd be the skank that fucks other school mum's husbands. Men never get judged as harshly. And people love to gossip. You'd kids might even suffer in terms of being excluded from social stuff by mums who don't want contact with you.

And don't think you won't get caught, people often do.

He probably wouldn't do anything about it , but even if he did you'd get the privilege of being a bit on the side, who'd be discarded sooner or later, probably get your feelings hurt and feel like shit - since women tend to suffer from oxytocin from sex more than men.

Most men won't voluntarily blow up a marriage, life, finances and their kids home ..... Whether they play away or not.

Anyway, I can tell you that hot school Dads know they're hot, they like women, they like a bit of attention/gratification etc. and if they show attraction to you; you can bet they do the same to pretty much any attractive school Mum.
Because the hot school Dad at our school was doing it to me, and then I heard a comment from another Mum (who's good looking) that suggested he was doing that to her too. They're probably not even doing it on purpose.

Go to the gym.

If your thoughts stray, think about his wedding photos that are most likely on he and his wife's wall at home. Think about them taking their kids home from hospital as babies, think about them sharing a bed and having sex, think about them spending time with their parents and families, think about them organising and going on their holidays. They are a couple, he'd probably do nothing or if he did anything he'd probably only use you for gratification and sex and then list all the reasons he can't leave. Forget about him, decide whether you want to stay in the marriage or not, without muddying the waters with stupid crushes.

noschoolmumrun · 21/07/2024 09:48

@BouquetGarni224 thank you - I was out with my best friend last night. I told her how I was feeling and I've realised this is a wake up call.
I need to sort my life out. I need to work out what I need to do to be happier and what to do with the rest of my life.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page