Drink driving arrest

[Silverstarz]

So the inevitable happened last night.....
My partner was arrested last night for being in charge of a vehicle whilst drunk.
He was 2 x over the limit. He was asleep in the car.
Court hearing in October.
Anyone know what he can expect the outcome to be?

I am SO pleased hes finally been caught
Its a releif
Please dont judge i feel like an anxiety ridden door mat and have done for a very very long time. Unles you have been in similar yourself its incredibly difficult living with an alcoholic and almost impossible to get out of it. Thats how i feel right now 😪
I called and told his parents so they are filled in on the situation and being very supportive
Hes gonna be staying with his mum for a while until we come up with a plan for living arrangements
Who knows though.....its always a cycle for me and thats entirely my fault - how many times 😥

This time the decision has been taken out of your hands.
You have to make decisions now though re the house.

My sister was with someone just like this. She left. She now has an amazing DH and 2 lovely kids, and no anxiety because she's no longer married to an alcoholic arsehole.

If you don't leave him, how can your next chapter begin? Your happy ever after is out there. Go get it.

Been there and it's so tough. He'll go to court and dependent on the circumstances will lose his license. There's also a chance of a prison sentence.

To be clear though - it's not your job to fix him. He has to take responsibility for his drinking and seek help and most importantly keep seeking help so he stays off. He needs to do this for himself.

You are not obliged to stay with him or support him through this process. You can choose your happiness over his addiction. Living with an alcoholic is an emotional rollercoaster filled with drama and lies that few people would choose. Whatever your family circumstances it's OK to choose what's right for you.

Thanknyou - ypu are right not many people understand

I have made the decision to attend an AL ANON meeting next week just outside my area. I spent a few hours on the podcast page liatening to experiences and i thonk it would help me massively
First one in thursday eve.

I have 2 older children - son is 21 and lives at gome but spends alot of time at his GF house so not here much and my daighter os 19 and lives with her partner.
Do i tell them whats happened??
My 2 younger are 11 and 9 and i think the 11 yr old knows more than id like to think and the youngest is oblivious.
Had to tell them that he came on from wrk late and left for work again this morning whilst theu where sleeping. I hate lying for him but its for the boys sakes.

You need to make the difficult decision to split up as there are young children involved. Alcoholics make very unreliable parents!

My dad was an alcoholic and it affected my childhood in many ways even though he wasn't violent. Mum felt she had no choice and to stay but I wish she'd been braver.

Go along to the meeting, make new friends and get some external support as you're going to need it. I wouldn't rely on his parents to support you and the kids if you split up.

Be clear on what you want next - a split or your partner attempting detox/giving up the booze. You may have already gone through this cycle a few times.

Your role is to provide a safe, emotionally stable home for your children - they may already be well aware of the problems with their dad - even if they can't put it into context.

Talk to them about Dad staying at his parents - they will need to know. And don't be afraid to explain he has a problem with drinking too much. There's a huge feeling of shame for families of alcoholics and hiding things compounds that.

Al non is worth a visit - but by the time I attended I had decided to end things so it had limited value.

The last rock bottom was 2018 whe i found he'd ben cheating due to his drinking wtc and he did give up for 3 blissful years.
Of course the drinking crept in again with shandys then normal beers then the going awol (this time no women) and not quite too the frequency and extent as pre 2018. The time he was sober he said he felt "supressed" and not himself.
There was me thinking it was so great too

This will be the 2nd rock bottom. Hes feeling sorry for himself. As i said to him though if he wasnt arrested he would be carrying on as normal today and not give 2 shits about me

Apparently a woman drove past him and seen him on the side of the road next to the car with running engine and called an ambulance and thats how police found him. Breathilizer is ready 71

Why on earth have you stayed with him??
You are absolute deluded if you think your 9 year old is unaware. Don’t perpetuate the lies either - tell them the truth.

@WappityWabbit - exactly the same experience here. It was awful as a child. Drink driving convictions in the local paper. So embarrassing. You can’t hide it from your DC, OP. Leave this loser. He’s chosen alcohol over you and your DC. That’s what my DF did. I don’t believe it’s an addiction. I believe it’s a choice.

You are with an unfaithful man who could have killed someone when he drove drunk,
What's to salvage here?
Your poor kids.

You really do your children and yourself no favours at all if you choose to remain with him for what are really your own reasons. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open.

Did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent?.

What are your two youngest kids going to remember the most about their childhoods: it will be their father’s alcoholism along with you otherwise enabling him. Do your two eldest visit you very often?. It would not surprise me if they did not.

He has made his choice and it’s alcohol. He will be an alcoholic for the rest of his days. Unless he himself wants to address why he is drinking then there is nothing you can do to help him. You think you’ve helped him by staying with him?. You have not and you’ve likely only stayed because you think it’s “easier”.

Geez, I split with my sons dad largely due to alcohol (plus attitude). Wasn't hard to split, easier than I thought it would be bringing it up as he agreed, we were barely talking and the atmosphere was terrible anyway. No cheating as far as I know, bad enough without that. He'd of been straight out the door if there had been.
Can't say it ended well, he died 7 years ago from liver failure, doesn't get more rock bottom than that. You've not left him or kicked him out over it despite the cheating, so I'd say he's nowhere near hit rock bottom yet. It doesn't bode well if he prefers his life with alcohol in it.

Don't kid yourself that your 9 Yr old doesn't know. My abiding childhood memory is of finding the hat that mum had worn to a wedding, floating in the toilet next morning. I didn't understand what was going on but I knew something was very wrong. I think I was about 6

Perfect time now to draw a line under this relationship and move on. Get divorced and live a happy peaceful life without this drunken oaf. Do it. This is the get out card youve been looking for. Dont stay a moment longer

It's great you're going to Al Anon. Personally I didn't go a lot, but even just going a couple of times for me made me feel better at the start of things.

These books were helpful to me if you haven't read them already -
Women who love too much
Codependent no more.

It's easy for people who aren't you and haven't experienced your circumstances to stick the boot in and tell you everything you've done wrong. Don't listen to them. Listen to yourself and what you want and need. You need to let your DP go to do whatever he wants and you need to focus on fixing yourself, not him.

Don't cover for him, ever. Don't lie to the kids they're not stupid. You lie, then split up with DH they will blame you. As for elder DC of course tell them, what you going to say when he's got no driving licence or even sent to jail? Be upfront and tell them the truth. Maybe seeing the disappointment on their faces of a father that's a drunk, may, just may, make him realise what a stupid idiot he is, and just what he stands to loose.

Your 9yo knows. Did you know that children living with an alcoholic parent are at much higher risk of becoming alcoholics themselves?

There is a support thread on the alcohol board that I suggest you visit. The women there have all been where you are now and will help.

In terms of Al-Anon, be aware that their main focus is on teaching you to cope but keep the family together. This is rarely best for the DC.

How do these old threads get resurrected? The drink driving was last July, the court case was last October.

OP has either come to her senses and sacked him off or she's still making excuses for his behaviour and subjecting her kids to life with an alcoholic parent and all the joys that come with that.

Hopefully the former.

Very good to support a recovering addict. Absolutely appalling to have been supporting a drink driver all this time. You have a choice here.

I wouldn't concern yourself too much about what's likely to happen legally as from your perspective it makes little difference. A man who will drive that far over the limit will probably carry in driving when he loses his licence so there's no real relief unless he ends up with a custodial sentence. If I were you I'd concentrate on making the most of him having gone to his mother's. Getting them to leave is often really hard, so you're a few steps ahead that he's gone. The thing to do is not to weaken and let him back. Keep pushing forward now and get things in place to make the separation permanent.

THE THREAD IS FROM JULY

THE COURT CASE WAS OCTOBER

So much judgement and misinformation about what alcoholism is and isn’t. Lmfao.

I’m a recovered alcoholic (nearly 5 years sober.) and I am a completely different person to the one when I was drinking. you are simply not yourself when you’re in the hell. And it is most certainly not a choice. Nobody wakes up and thinks “I’m going to be an alcoholic today and ruin my life and everybody else’s”. However, the decision does have to come from him to want to get better He just has to want it enough and it’s a lot of work to get sober.

For me you couldn’t pay me to have another drink because what I have in my life right now compared to what my life was before is just incomparable. I also lost my driving licence for three years because I was 3 1/2 times over the legal limit. I narrowly escaped a custodial sentence because I had some excellent references but even seeing a police car now fills me with utter fear and dread even the inside of a police station on a TV show…..

they will most likely give him a ban, a fine and perhaps some community service. He will need a letter from his GP and a blood test to check that his liver function is normal before they will return his licence. He may also have the option to reduce his band by attending a drink driving course. But I have to stress none of this will stop him from drinking again unless he has admitted that he has a problem in the first place. The support is out there he just needs to embrace it. I really hope things improve for you because if he does get sober, I can assure you he will be a very very different person and eventually be full of remorse and humility.

Hi there, I remember your name, you were so kind and helpful a few years ago when I was splitting up with alcoholic ex. Your support meant a lot at the time and I hope you are well.