Can counselling really work?

[dazedandconfused]

Started Relate with H a few weeks ago. First session positive, 2nd really difficult.

We separated (at my insistence) in September, following a terrible year where I was depressed and isolated with DCs and went a bit off the rails, developing strong feelings for someone else (not acted on). H then slept with someone we both know.

Anyway, we'd decided on counselling at least to make us better co-parents, but I suppose I was really hoping that we could work things out. hHowever, at second counselling session when I was trying to explain how hard I've found it being primary carer and losing my freedom, H accused me of talking 'old-fashioned feminist rhetoric'. This has been rankling ever since. Counsellor on hols, H working so next appointment has had gap of 4 weeks. Since the offensive comments he has taken a full week off on holiday to go up north to do voluntary work, as well as doing up his flat and therefore not being able to have DCs.

Since back he has had them for a couple of nights and I felt we were making progress. However, today he was due to come and help out, and let me go out for a couple of hours. He'd already planned something later so I wasn't able to have a whole night out myself. But he didn't call, and when I rang at five he was in town at an art gallery and didn't even acknowledge that he might've rung to make any plans. It was then too late for me to have my alloted two hours out. I feel as though he doesn't want to allow me to enjoy myself as will rarely look after DCs at weekend, and I work in a stressful job during the week so that's not an option.

I am wondering where we are headed. I just feel so angry about his selfish attitude, but feel like I can't say anything after his rude comments with counsellor. He just doesn't acnowledge my feelings being valid.

Any advice from people who been through Relate and struggled? Or anyone else?

or am i a moany bitch?

So sorry for you dazedandconfused - It makes me so angry that us women are tied to the house and dc and the men end up living a single life without a care in the world!!

I believe counselling could work as long as you BOTH want it to. It does sound like he needs to give you a little more respect.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job keeping it all together but you do need time on your own. I hope you can get him to see that. x

D&C, I would also be very angry at this remark. But it was only the second session of counselling, and whatever the problems are that led to your break-up, they are not going to be cleared up in a few weeks. Especially not if they are a very deep-rooted part of his make-up. The way he says 'feminist rhetoric' shows that he does not take your issues seriously, because he has attatched your feelings to 'militant women' rather than percieving them as personal to you, IMO. His not having the children is possibly a backlash reaction to your wanting time to yourself, which is childish and controlling.

However, the part of the counsellor is to direct him into learning these things about himself. Nobody can 'tell' anybody anything, as far as I can see. It must dawn on him from within his own head. I really hope you will have better experiences with Relate. You often find one session's good, the next has you in tears. But it's all necessary.

Teally hope things work out for you, if that's what you want. Keep going to counselling, and keep an open mind