Can opposite sex friendship ever be platonic?

[Underthemoonsky]

I’ve read so many post on here about people saying they’ve seen their DH messaging a woman but says it’s just a friend etc etc and it got me thinking about my own life.

DH and I knew each other before we started dating, we were both very into the same hobby and I fancied him from afar (he was older and in a relationship so he was absolute no go territory). He started texting me one day purely about our hobby and if anyone read the messages (over the course of id say 3 days) they looked completely innocent and just about our hobby. I didn’t text back after the 3rd day because I felt i wanted to talk to him more but knew it was wrong.

fast forward about 4 months and no one to one contact and he messaged me again about something not related to our hobby. I text him back and said I’m sorry but are you not in a relationship? turns out they had broke up 3 months prior and long story short the relationship was over anyway and he knew he shouldn’t have felt the way he did about me (turns out he had been fancying me from afar to) but hand on heart there was nothing ever going on when he was in a relationship and this all came out afterwards.

got me thinking - those messages were completely innocent and yet it turned out they weren’t.

I also on a side note had a lot of male friends before I met DH and since that I’ve lost every single one of them with most of them saying they know now there’s no hope for me and them - but again these are fellas I would’ve been texting as friends and nothing more with absolute zero romance.

I always said men and women can be friends with nothing else going on, looking back on my own life experiences though I don’t think so anymore.

Yes, they can. I have female friends and while I love them as friends, have zero romantic I
interest. In that way they would be like my sister.

Yes they can. It's all about having the right boundaries in place.

The male friends you've lost - you may not have had romantic inclinations but it sounds like the men did.

Yes.
I have a close male friend who I have known for almost 40 years. It's been platonic all the way through.

I have another male friend who I see a couple of times a week (shared hobby, occasional cuppa), but he's gay so probably not what you meant.

They absolutely can. I’ve got long term male friends, attached and single, and they’re like family.

None of them have even tried anything on or attempted to cross the line - they’re genuine friends.

I have male friends and the relationship is entirely platonic.

I think you need to examine the relationship carefully and make sure it really is platonic. In your case it wasn't on either side !

Yes they can.I had one in my 20s where we did loads together, he helped me out practically and at work and we non stop laughed. Both of us had partners and neither of us fancied each other. No longer friends due to moving away but it was an enjoyable friendship

Absolutely yes they can.
I have had a dear friend for 30+years no romantic interests either way.

I have had platonic female friends since uni (over 30 years now) and they have remained platonic through marriages, relationships etc.

I think the new friendship area is trickier, though, especially the sudden ‘intense’ friendships when one or both are in long term relationships. I would be very suspicious of those.

Yes, of course they can. At least for some people. I do know some people who can't have platonic friendships with the opposite sex and among the people I know it's linked to not having a brother/sister.

However, it's also possible for a friendship to develop into something else and also the opposite, for a situation where one person fancied the other at the beginning to develop into a totally platonic friendship.

The funny thing about this is that nobody tells gay people they can't have friends of the same sex.

I thought they could, until I got divorced and several of them tried it on.

I think that it’s possible. I have one long term platonic friend who’s male and he genuinely is that. However in my experience other male ‘friends’ have just been waiting and looking for the opportunity for something more. So get where you’re coming from.

Yes they can and I have male friends I really value. My DP has good female friends although as part of couples or groups mostly. I would say more men I have been friends with over the years than not have made a move though, sadly, even when I've thought things were completely platonic. Not always in a drunk sexual way, sometimes in a after developing feelings over time

@Underthemoonsky so you are basically saying that your DH was trying it on with you while involved in another relationship under the guise of hobby talk? That's awkward ....

I used to think so, but not now.

I thought I had a really good male best friend, known each other since we were 16, went to uni together etc, but he confessed his feelings for me a few years ago in our 20’s, I tried to move past it as friends but I saw him in a totally different light and was always a bit cautious with him, when I broke up with my then partner, he became quite creepy and obsessive. I’ve broken off the friendship now.

I definitely wouldnt want a ‘new’ male friend now i’m married to DH. I would find it inappropriate and so would he.

But how would you feel if DH started texting someone which seems to be the most common theme on here, would you feel confident that’s platonic?

Yeah he was. We’re very open and honest about that. We both fancied the life out of each other without the other knowing. He didn’t try and start an affair, he broke up with his ex without knowing whether my feelings were reciprocated or not and we started dating when he was 3 months single.

I dunno

I have and had oodles of male friends over the years, from early childhood to now at 34 - I work in a male dominated environment

Now I'm alright looking, reasonable sense of humour and I'm petite - but I'm also a married mum of 2

On reflection, just about every male in my life has been slightly inappropriate at some stage so I'm not sure

Yep, absolutely they can. The important part is maintaining strong boundaries on both sides. I have a few close male friends but our boundaries are super clear cut.

Yes, as long as boundaries are respected. I adore my best friend's husband, and sometimes message him on the quiet if I'm trying to organise something for her, but I would never meet him alone, or message him about any subject other than her. He's the same with me - our communications are about F.

My husband has made a new female friend over the last couple of years. They worked together and are still in the same industry. (Oh and she's stunning).

But DH has good boundaries, i've never known him to be remotely flirty with anyone etc. We both know the codes to each others phones but don't feel the need to use them. He's regularly telling me what is going on with this friend.

It's all about boundaries and the vibes people give off. People with healthy boundaries exude "platonic only" vibes

I think they absolutely can, yes. The trouble is that too many people call their deep friendship which might occasionally be a FWB situation, or never quite manages to tip into actual 'relationship' territory 'platonic' when it plainly isn't. At least not for one of the parties.

They'll take 'platonic' attention as better than no attention at all, while secretly wishing it would be more. So when it eventually fizzles out because one gets a serious partner and has less time and attention for their 'just a good friend' the closeness inevitably collapses, leaving us with the impression that platonic relationships can't really work.

Whereas when it's genuinely a platonic relationship you can make space for the new partner and for other friends, because you aren't jealously guarding that person in the belief that anyone else is competition to come between you.

Those are the more 'matey' friendships that can last through marriages, end up being godmother/godfather to your children, etc. Not the ones that were always on the verge of intimacy, where there was an unspoken understanding that you were both acting out being a couple to some extent, without ever actually being one.

Yes, but I think it depends on the circumstances, and I always roll my eyes at the 'are you saying men and women can't be friends???? I have a beloved male BFF of 35 years who would never dream of being inappropriate with me OP!!!!' posts on threads where the OP has clearly identified something is off about her male partner's friendship.

There's a huge difference between a man having a really long-standing friendship with a woman, and a man suddenly becoming good friends with a woman out of nowhere. I'm not saying the latter situation is always suspicious or that men can't form friendships with women past the age of 18 or whatever, but a sudden, intense friendship with someone of the opposite sex where you're messaging a lot, spending a lot of time together without either friend's partner - is dodgy territory imho.

I was thinking that about gay friends too. I have quite a few close friends who are gay or bi. But maybe that's different because they know I'm straight?

Although, by this metric, are bi people only allowed to have friends with people not attracted to their own sex?

I also agree with the PPs who say there's a difference between longstanding friendships and sudden very intense ones.

I think in the case of the OP, none of those friendships you talk about were very close to start with. They sound like just blokes you knew, who messaged you occasionally and flirted a bit. And with your DH it sounds as though you didn't actually know him that well and hadn't spent much or any one-to-one time with him until after he'd split from his partner anyway.

I'm talking about the longstanding, very close friendships were both parties insist they are 'just good friends' but in every other way they behave like a couple, even if they are not sexually intimate, although occasionally that happens as well. I'm thinking on the phone several times a day, hanging out quietly at weekends, as opposed to making plans to meet up and go out. Knowing virtually everything about one another, helping them pick out their new sofa or whatever. They are basically playing at being a couple when they are not.