Worried son may become victim of a romance scammer

[Patsyanna]

My 42 year old son has lived in America for the last 20 years. We are in the UK. He was married to a girl out there but they split a couple of years ago though very amicably. Still spent a lot of time with her and her 2 grown up children. That was until very recently. 2 weeks ago he met a 29 year old girl on a dating site. They haven't met in person yet but he is absolutely smitten by her, she is love bombing him like crazy and they are planning a future together. She lives 430 miles away and he is planning to drive to see her for the first time next weekend and stay in an Airbnb, apparently she lives with her mother. He phoned last weekend to tell us he'd met someone with an air of this is the one, my new life partner. Also proudly announced it on his FB page. We said this is far too sudden and warned him she could be some sort of scammer etc. We are so worried but so far away. He knows we are only concerned for his welfare and love him too much to want to see him hurt or taken for a ride. Has anyone experienced something similar or have any tips on what we could say to him if anything? Thanks in advance.

id like to think my friends/family would say something if I ever looked like I was being scammed

And OP has said something. She's asking what else she can do. Any suggestions?

Scam 💯

Can you see her friends on Facebook? If you can and it's all middle aged men that's often a clue. Can you see other friends posting comments etc ?

I was going to suggest flying over as you’re dying to meet her ( though everyone on here will think it’s nuts). Or would a step child go with him? If he’s close to ex they might be concerned about him?
Why would they do this if he doesn’t have cash they can steal?

It doesn't matter what age he is, to those posters who think it does. It matters that he is being irrational. Men can have mid-life crises, or erratic post-divorce behaviour and if we care about them, we worry about it and want to intervene. not just watch passively and judge afterwards.

I'd run through a list of the warning signs with him and find out how many of these are flagged. I'd also suggest he gives no money, suspends judgement of their 'love' for each other until they actually meet, and that he agrees to meet in a public place like a cafe or restaurant, not at hers or in a motel room.

The only way you'll know if she's a scammer is if she's asking him for money.
If you come on strong with suspicion he may get more secretive and it could get worse.
Try to be inquisitive, supportive and seem non judgemental. But get as much info as you can. If they've met, then she is actually a legit woman rather than a bloke in Nigeria or wherever?
Ultimately it's his decision who he dates. At 42, you're gonna need to give him the benefit of the doubt to either know if it's wrong, or get on with it because he wants to.

Maybe it’s someone wanting a US residents visa so marriage is on the cards.

Thank you for all your replies. We've already expressed our concerns to him so as many if you say there is little else we can do. And we don't want to push him away which will happen if we keep on and on.

That comment was in response to posters who say OP should be minding her own business. I don’t think she should.

but I’d suggest she brings it up with one of his friends who may be able to broach it with him. Also important to caution him about falling so fast with someone you haven’t actually met.

and I’d be doing my research on her- reverse image, Facebook and online profile to find out exactly how real she is.

Why is he marrying and dating girls?

Not a lot you can do here OP, you’ve expressed your concerns. Remind him not to part with any money. It all seems very red flag if she’s declaring undying life on his FB so early on

So you'd let your nearest and dearest or closest friend walk into a potentially unpleasant/dangerous situation without offering any advice or feeling the merest pang of concern? Wow, you are unusual.

You don't stop worrying, or at least hoping for the best outcomes, for the human being you gave birth to just because they turn 18. Even if they don't have "learning disabilities", as you so eloquently commented. You don't magically stop being a mum you know. Maybe your kids are still relatively young and you don't yet understand that. All I can say is, you will.

I think you just have to wait until he meets her to get more of a sense of this. Hundreds of miles away is not as big a deal in the US as it is here, because so many people are hundreds of miles apart. People don't necessarily think of a few hundred miles as all that far there.

What would be MASSIVE alarm bells for me is if she cancels at the last minute, claims there's some emergency and she can't meet up (especially if it involves her urgently needing money right now) etc. As people have said, he is an adult - maybe rather than going 'Watch out, it's a scam', go more along the lines of 'I'd love to hear how it goes', so you can ask him straight away and if she has put him off or asked for money, hopefully you can immediately go 'I'm really sorry but you have to assume this is a scam'.

but I’d suggest she brings it up with one of his friends who may be able to broach it with him

That's called 'interfering', and 'crossing boundaries'. He is responsible for himself, and it's not up to mummy to save him from his own mistakes. Nobody's suggesting OP shouldn't care, but all she can do is explain her concerns to him, and hope he takes her words on board. If an adult needs a friend's advice, they will ask for it. It's not going to go down well if they say 'Your mum sent me to tell you she doesn't trust you can make your own decisions', and anything else would be a lie.

His parents have expressed their concern. He disagrees. End of story. If this ends up being a mistake, it's his mistake to make. Do you want your love life run by committee, with well-meaning other people decreeing whether you see someone again or not?

Maybe she's a scammer. Maybe she is in fact the love of his life. He's heard people's concerns; the decision is up to him.

We clearly have different views on this. You wouldn’t do it? Fine.

But you’re having to make up lines to fit your own narrative of what I said. I see no reason why raising the issue with a friend of his may not be helpful- they may share concerns. They may be able to help find a useful solution to this issue- surely that’s more helpful than asking strangers on the internet.

How they tackle it is very much dependant on what kind of relationship the OP has with her DS, his friends etc.

As you pointed out, the OP asked for suggestions- people are giving them. OP is best placed to know what may work in her situation- not you.

42 is middle aged??

Jeez, makes me ancient.

Thanks for your wisdom @Chatteringmagpie7

You seem to think that your opinion trumps mine. It doesn't.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

42 is middle aged??

The average life expectancy for UK males is 80 and for US males is 76, so in both cases, this man is on the wrong side of middle age.

Everyone saying he is old enough to take care of himself...of course he is, but unless you've been in that situation you have no idea how clever these scammers are, and how they can hoover you in...if you are lonely and vulnerable you can fall prey to their lies, they are very good at what they do. And of course OP will worry, you never stop worrying about your kids even when they are grown up! All you can do is give them advice then take a step back, but it's very hard ..OP it does sound like a scam, obviously we don't know the situation and I hope she's genuine but if she asks him for money it's 💯scam.

I wish people who have fallen victim to romance scam could really understand how it works because these scammers have a pattern. I discovered this on Spirassp . com when my aunt was a victim of romance scam. They gave me some tips to Identify romance scammers and help recover what must have been lost financially after reporting the issue.
Here are some red flags to watch out for;

• Unsolicited messages from strangers
• Promise of high returns with little risk
• Pressure to invest quick
• Fake trading platforms that look real but don’t allow withdrawals