Do I stay or leave

[Azebe]

Hi hoping someone can give me advice as can't talk to family or friends.
I seem to have completely shut off to my relationship. Unfortunately my husband drinks in the evenings and I have become belittling and very bitter towards him as it also makes him lazy and not bother about himself. We have tried again and again to make things better.
I have 2 children under 8 and I love our house and if the relationship breaks down I would like to stay here but equally know I can't afford to buy him out.
I just don't want to end up in some grotty house as I feel it will be traumatic enough for my kids as they adore their father.
I just don't know what to do as I can't see the relationship getting better unless he stops drinking but he has tried and it always fails. He won't commit to aa which is our biggest argument. Is there a future I just dont want to feel this angry all the time as it comes out in stress and anger towards everyone.

He will always be an addict, he will always put alcohol first.
What you have is resentment, and I personally don’t ever think that goes once it has set in.

My mother was an alcoholic and it is so destructive on children. I’m still working through it in my 30’s. She was also functioning, went to work in the day and drank at night, it’s no less damaging.

Just another perspective, your kids are young now but someday soon they will be dealing with it too.

Best thing I can advise is do the research, al-anon and loads online because an alcoholic needs to accept and want it for themselves. My Dad thought he could help her stop and only with hindsight realised he never could.

Obviously you could leave if you feel you have got to the end of the relationship, and as you have pointed out that is not easy.

AA is not for everyone and many people refuse it, because they are ressisting the label "alcoholic". It's a popular term, and is thrown around a lot on Mumsnet, but is not a clinical term.

There are other interventions, for example Smart Recovery, which might work better. Is he refusing all professional help, or just AA? If he refuses all help it's a straightforward decision for you. I hope things get better.

How much is he drinking, and does he ever have a night off?

What do you want more?

A decent life without a drunk stressing you out? Or the house?

this sounds bloody ghastly for your children OP

he drinks every evening

what quantity? when does he start and finish? how does it impact him going to work and parenting?

It's a tough one. Speaking from experience as the child of an alcoholic father, I hate how my mothers life at the age of 70 is still affected by his drinking. They've worked their whole lives and should be enjoying retirement, but alcohol comes first, and it's a miserable life. I wish she had done what suited her and not stayed for the sake of me and my sibling. It's has caused no end of problems over our lives. And I'm sick of it. You get one life, OP. You deserve to be happy too, not just your children. Growing up with an alcoholic parent will be having more of an impact on them than you realise. I would ask him to seek help.

My mother was an alcoholic and its destructive.

Give him an ultimatum Booze or family

He seeks proper help with his addiction or you start making moving to leave.