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Original poster

Do I just accept I'm the only adult in this family?

26 replies

confusedlots · 19/07/2024 20:12

That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but things have been rocky between me and DH for a while now, and my main issue is that I don't feel we have a partnership anymore, and I feel like the only adult in our family of us and our 2 primary school aged kids.

Does anyone else feel like this? He holds down a very good job and I know he is well respected in work, but when it comes to things around the home (with the exception of DIY which I admit he is good at), I have to tell him what needs done or how to do it. It's exhausting and I didn't sign up to be his mother!

We're back from holidays a few days ago and it has just hit me again when we got back home. I know it's petty, but I haven't bothered to do any of his holiday washing yet. Mainly because it took an age to to the kids washing, then the kids started vomiting and I had lots of bedsheets to wash, and then I was straight back into work. He has asked me twice in the past few days if I have washed any of his clothes as he was looking for clean boxer shorts and I just said no and moved on to another subject. He still hasn't bothered to actually put any of his dirty clothes into the washing machine and no doubt he'll ask me the same question again tomorrow and I'll give him the same answer! God knows what boxer shorts he's been wearing the past few days! I'm wondering how long it will take before he actually puts a wash on!!

OP posts:
KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 19/07/2024 20:14

Ah the old woman-carrying-the-mental-load chestnut

You're really not alone with this one!

Wombats77 · 19/07/2024 20:15

Explain mental load to him. If he steps up, good.

Stop mothering him.

If he doesn't step up, leave as it will never get better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2024 20:22

Why do you do all the washing and work? If he asks about boxers again, could you say, "why don't you put a wash on?".

I wouldn't just accept it. I would have a proper conversation about it. One that talks about feelings and expectations. Are his only jobs in the house DIY? He must know that's a tiny part.

AutumnFroglets · 19/07/2024 20:22

I'm wondering how long it will take before he actually puts a wash on!!

He'll buy new ones first. Trust me on that one. Keep an eye out for the packaging which may, or may not, make it's way into the bin rather than the bedroom floor.

My stbxh bought a months worth of new socks before giving in and washing his clothes. He still sometimes buys more clothing if he can't be bothered to wash. We have different bedrooms now and he's never washed his bath towel (four years) and his bedding is done once every six months. This might be your future too 😬

Screamingabdabz · 19/07/2024 20:27

Drop the rope. Stop being his mother. Expect him to step up to do his half with the children. If he can be competent at work he can be competent at home. If he isn’t, that is a massive reflection on how he sees you and your role.

Many women are happy to be domestic drones whose main job description is housekeeper and nanny with sexual favours. I certainly couldn’t live happily with that indignity.

LizzieBennett73 · 19/07/2024 20:28

DH gets the "oh, is that another domestic appliance that can only be operated by someone with a uterus?" each and every time. I've got an awful lot more clothes than DH has so I can go about 3 weeks without washing - he can go about 3 days. I sometimes play and let it build up just to see the panic on his face when his pant drawer is on the last pair.... and yes he does actually turn them inside out to get another day out of them Hmm

You're fighting a losing battle OP. You either give in and put the washing on, or you send him packing to his Mum's where she will not only wash but iron his pants too.

Dearg · 19/07/2024 20:34

…send him packing to his Mum’s where she will not only wash but iron his pants too.
😂😂

cupcaske123 · 19/07/2024 20:35

Instead of being passive aggressive just tell him directly that you're not doing his washing. He'll then do it himself as he obviously needs clean boxers.

Was he sitting around twiddling his thumbs when the children were ill or did he pitch in? We get treated how we accept being treated. If you don't want to be a dogs body then have a conversation about how things are going to be going forward.

MumChp · 19/07/2024 20:37

Ask him to do the laundry? It's not that hard.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2024 20:40

MumChp · 19/07/2024 20:37

Ask him to do the laundry? It's not that hard.

I don't think I should have to ask a grown adult who has run out of boxers to do laundry. I don't have to ask DD 13 to do hers, she just does it.

A grown adult should use this logic; I have no boxers, there is a washing machine, insert boxers into washing machine.

ChaiTeaOrTaiChi · 19/07/2024 20:42

Tell him you're no longer doing his washing. You'll do yours and the kids' (until they're old enough to do their own).

When my partner and I first moved in together over a decade ago, I automatically started doing his laundry... I suppose because I grew up seeing my mum do my dad's? Only recently did I stop doing it. It's like I gave myself a slap to wake up.

DisgruntledPelican · 19/07/2024 20:42

It doesn’t sound like passive aggression @cupcaske123 , just a simple answer to a stupid question!

MumChp · 19/07/2024 20:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2024 20:40

I don't think I should have to ask a grown adult who has run out of boxers to do laundry. I don't have to ask DD 13 to do hers, she just does it.

A grown adult should use this logic; I have no boxers, there is a washing machine, insert boxers into washing machine.

Show quote history

Then ignorere it. Works the same I guess.

WhereAreWeNow · 19/07/2024 20:42

I'm in the same boat @confusedlots
Mine isn't even any good at DIY. There's literally not a single aspect of family life where he's the one who's responsible.

Original poster
confusedlots · 19/07/2024 20:44

I know I'm being a bit passive aggressive and I know it's not healthy, but I'm just feeling pissed off with the situation. Why should I have to explain to him that if he has no clean boxers and I have not done the washing, that means it might be a good idea if he goes and does some laundry? I don't expect someone to tell me that because we have just finished dinner I need to load the dishwasher and turn it on so we have clean dishes for tomorrow?? That's sort of my point......an adult shouldn't need to be told this!!

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 19/07/2024 20:46

DisgruntledPelican · 19/07/2024 20:42

It doesn’t sound like passive aggression @cupcaske123 , just a simple answer to a stupid question!

Comes across as passive aggressive to me.

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/07/2024 20:48

Remind him that neither you nor the DC wear them. The person that wears them needs to clean them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2024 20:49

confusedlots · 19/07/2024 20:44

I know I'm being a bit passive aggressive and I know it's not healthy, but I'm just feeling pissed off with the situation. Why should I have to explain to him that if he has no clean boxers and I have not done the washing, that means it might be a good idea if he goes and does some laundry? I don't expect someone to tell me that because we have just finished dinner I need to load the dishwasher and turn it on so we have clean dishes for tomorrow?? That's sort of my point......an adult shouldn't need to be told this!!

PA isn't working. So go with assertive.

When, I feel, because, please:

"When you ask me if I've done laundry because you have no clothes, I feel sad/angry/frustrated. Because we are supposed to be a team and we both work outside the home. Please take up your fair share of the housework."

Then sit and have an adult conversation about chores. No you won't remind him, no you aren't the household manager, no you can't do everything.

You may have to learn some DIY and I think that's a great idea anyway. Share everything.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 19/07/2024 21:15

I think I'd go with
Right that's the kids stuff finally done. The machine's empty if you want to chuck your stuff in. It's supposed to be nice tomorrow so you will be able to hang it out on the line.
Whilst you're out there empty/fill the dishwasher.
I'm shattered so going to have a nice soak in the bath then go to bed.
And just go. Have that soak with the bathroom door locked, early night & enjoy.

Then later/tomorrow have the discussion that you've had enough of doing it all yourself & it's time he did more.
That damn housework fairy keeps missing you out so he has to do his share.

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 19/07/2024 21:49

Please go on strike

JamSandle · 19/07/2024 22:00

Youre totally right that a grown adult shouldn't need to be told. I think some men just play dumb. Also some men would live in appalling standards if single and alone.

AnneElliott · 19/07/2024 22:37

Stop doing it - it's really liberating. I do mine and DS washing (although even he puts a wash on if he's running low on pants!) and just let him figure it out when he needs clean clothes.

Begsthequestion · 19/07/2024 22:53

Did he ever live on his own before?

Anyway he should be embarrassed by his childish behaviour. There's nothing passive or aggressive in not assuming a caretaker role for someone who definitely doesn't need it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2024 23:00

You're as passive as the day is long and you've enabled him to be a useless man child for years. Why would he change? He has zero motivation to change because you do everything for him. He's fine with that because he doesn't respect you and he sure as fuck doesn't value you.

You are both responsible for allowing your relationship to get to where it currently is. You can't change him, but you can absolutely change how you respond to him and what you do for him. Cut the cord and drop the rope. He either steps up, right now, or he can fuck off, because that's where this is headed. Your resentment will grow until it's untenable. It is a 100% guaranteed marriage killer.

Begsthequestion · 19/07/2024 23:05

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2024 23:00

You're as passive as the day is long and you've enabled him to be a useless man child for years. Why would he change? He has zero motivation to change because you do everything for him. He's fine with that because he doesn't respect you and he sure as fuck doesn't value you.

You are both responsible for allowing your relationship to get to where it currently is. You can't change him, but you can absolutely change how you respond to him and what you do for him. Cut the cord and drop the rope. He either steps up, right now, or he can fuck off, because that's where this is headed. Your resentment will grow until it's untenable. It is a 100% guaranteed marriage killer.

Amazing isn't it how some men can make washing their own pants into marriage breaking situation.

Almost as if they're actually weak af