Big argument

[Platypussss]

I am wondering if we are incompatible.

We have been together for two years and differ on quite a few things (we are early 30s), namely whether we want to have children and our political opinions.

Otherwise we get in really well and generally have a good relationship, but I am starting to have my doubts around how we argue / communicate.

we used to rarely argue but have had a couple of big ones over the last two months - about children and politics actually. The latest one was about making an effort with loved ones..

i am deliberately not going to say who is who so I can a more balanced understanding. Person A’s family live close by and person B doesn’t have family locally. They both make an effort with each other’s families.

Tonight both had plans to see Person A’s friend (who B has met several times) and Person B complained about having a bad muscular pain which they have had on and off all the week. Person A said they didn’t have to come if they weren’t up to it, to which Person B said they would push through. About 15 mins before they were due to leave, Person B said they were actually feeling really rough and could they please sit this one out; of course Person A should still go.

Person A has said that Person B has “really let them down” and that “this is not the first time”. This comment has come up again and again. In the first year of their relationship Person B had a toxic job that took up a lot of their waking hours and once had to pull out of a social event due to that. They have since met the friends involved and all went swimmingly. B sent a gift after to thank them for the weekend.

Person A has said there seem to be frequent logistical issues meeting their friends but won’t give any further examples. Person B feels hurt and frustrated because they go to parties with A’s friends, bring gifts, attend all occasions they are invited to (other than this evening and the work incident) and feels this is unfair. Person A does all of this too.

A won’t discuss things further and while they have apologised for the “you let me down” comment, has said they don’t want another argument and can they forget it. B feels slighted and like all the effort they have put in isn’t acknowledged.

it has since emerged that A’s friend persuaded their partner to come on the basis that B was coming (they wanted to meet) which is why A was so frustrated, but this wasn’t actually told to B.

It is probably obvious who I am but I’m really not enjoying things being brought up in arguments and never spoken about again. The work incident was out of B’s control and feels unfair. I kind of want to leave things here.

please can anyone advise?

Sorry I totally lost my way with all the Person A, Person B stuff - can you repost honestly as to what has happened without the pseudonyms? Then I can answer. When you read a post that long with aliases it gets very difficult to extrapolate behaviours.

My boyfriend’s family live close by and I don’t have family locally. We both make an effort with each other’s families.

Tonight we both had plans to see my boyfriend’s friend (who I've met several times) and I complained about having a bad muscular pain which I have had on and off all week. My boyfriend said I didn’t have to come if I wasn’t up to it, to which I said I would push through. About 15 mins before we were due to leave, I said I was actually feeling really rough and could I please sit this one out; of course, my boyfriend should still go.

My boyfriend has said that I have “really let him down” and that “this is not the first time”. This comment has come up again and again. In the first year of our relationship, I had a toxic job that took up a lot of my waking hours and once had to pull out of a social event due to that. I have since met the friends involved and all went swimmingly. I sent a gift after to thank them for the weekend.

My boyfriend has said there seem to be frequent logistical issues meeting his friends but won’t give any further examples. I feel hurt and frustrated because I go to parties with his friends, bring gifts, attend all occasions I'm invited to (other than this evening and the work incident) and feel this is unfair. My boyfriend does all of this too.

He won’t discuss things further and while he has apologized for the “you let me down” comment, he has said he doesn’t want another argument and can we forget it. I feel slighted and like all the effort I have put in isn’t acknowledged.

It has since emerged that my boyfriend’s friend persuaded their partner to come on the basis that I was coming (they wanted to meet) which is why my boyfriend was so frustrated, but this wasn’t actually told to me.

It is probably obvious who I am but I’m really not enjoying things being brought up in arguments and never spoken about.

Thanks btw!

he is generally really nice in everyday life and has always been there for me. I try to do the same for him and for example cook for him a lot to show my appreciation!

but it leaves a sour taste when he makes comments like that especially when they come up again and again. Basically I don’t know whether I still want to be together so I need to decide and I don’t know how.

i feel like fundamentally we are quite different and even though there are no red flags as such I am struggling with the fact he clearly holds resentment.

I think if I were early 30s and I differed considerably with a partner regards politics and children , I'd leave.

I don't think some silly argument about muscle pain is crucial here

The children/politics is/are, imo

We have been together for two years and differ on quite a few things (we are early 30s), namely whether we want to have children and our political opinions.

I should have stopped reading there, because that's all that needs to be said.

You're not suited and wasting time at your age, if you are the one who wants kids, is a fool's errand. If you are the one who doesn't want kids, it's cruel of you to string him along.

Either way, it won't work, and your relationship sounds tedious at best, honestly. Move on.

@Aquamarine1029 why tedious at best?

They had one in early June. Is another due?

You are early 30s and have different desires for children. Nothing else matters. The relationship needs to end asap.

you could have been fighting about whether or not to have children at all. That is a fundamental incompatibility.

could have been fighting about number of children. That isn’t worthy of a fight. That shows really bad communication skills. You can talk through the pros and cons of that and both need to realize that even if you have a plan, with each child, you will have to reevaluate.

you could have been fighting about how you are going to raise your children. Honestly, finding someone who shares your values and wants to raise children in a similar way is incredibly important. Even couples who have different political parties or different religions often have fundamentally similar values, they just express them differently or b piece different methods best reach their same shared goals. Without that commonality, raising children as a team is going to be a huge challenge.

@TheFlis wrong thread?

B sent a gift after to thank them for the weekend.
Yeah... it was bloody obvious which one you were with this comment. This is why it's silly doing A and B stuff.

He won’t discuss things further
He will never change as this is part of his character. He might try to hide it by pretending to discuss, or lying, or DARVO but this is essentially him. Do you want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years with someone who stonewalls you? Try imagining having children and juggling childcare, chores and work with someone who refuses to discuss. Your self worth will hit the floor and you will end up a broken mess by jumping through hoops that aren't real.

Throw this one back. It's faulty.

If you don’t want the same things regarding children then the relationship won’t work. There’s no compromise on that one, only resentment and misery for the one who ends up living a life they didn’t want.

Cut your losses and move on now.

Children or not is a much bigger issue. Politics I'm not sure without knowing how big the differences are. My political opinions and my ethics are related so if someone had very different values from mine I might not want to have children with them.

Yes 🤦🏻‍♀️

‘My partner and I can’t agree on children and we have different political views, and my partner doesn’t really like meeting my friends while I always make the effort with their friends and family. We are also poor at communicating with each other. Are we unsuited?’

Yes.

wanting different things re children is the dealbreaker. The rest is just noise.

Don’t stay in a relationship you’re not happy in. The years and children (if some come along) will magnify, not diminish your differences. Strive to be happy.

Dh has in the past pulled out of events due to illness. I’m not talking man flu here but severe illness. I would not dream of criticising him for that.

The person A and B nonsense makes things so difficult to follow. People lose me when they do that. Just describe what happened without that whole extra layer.

I think I got the gist in the end. You're not compatible.

If someone doesn’t have any caring for you when you don’t feel well and need to cancel, they won’t improve. It is a BAD trait that may very well get worse.

im sorry, OP, that’s a hard thing to live with, and I would not stay in a relationship with someone like this.

I wouldn’t wait to have children. Things tire you out a lot more as you get older and kids take so much energy.
If you want more than one and you want a certain age gap, best to have them now.
If your partner isn’t on board then don’t waste anymore time in this dead end relationship unless kids aren’t really that important.