How have your finances with your DP evolved over time?

[doyoulikemyyams]

The subject of money came up with my therapist this week, and how I've never had any kind of joint finances with a partner despite several long-term relationships.

My last relationship was 8 years, and although we'd split things like holidays down the middle, we also kept our finances entirely separate, including me lending him money for a relatively big purchase he couldn't afford on his own, and him paying me back on a monthly basis.

For me, it comes a from-childhood expectation that I have to be self-sufficient no matter what, and that someone else (even someone I love deeply) using money I've earned could put a future version of me at risk. I think deep down I have a fundamental expectation that I'll be alone as an elderly woman, and that I have to take care of that future version of her now.

It got me wondering about how other partnerships manage this kind of thing, and specifically when you felt secure enough to blend your financial lives in both the small and the bigger ways.

Did you start fully sharing finances before you got married, or only after?

If before, what was the sign that you were ready to do that with your partner?

If one of you earned more than the other, did you explicitly build that in to how you manage your money?

I seem to have a lot of subconscious trust issues going on, and this was such an interesting lens through which to think about it – I'm curious to know how other people (who maybe aren't as nervous as me!) approach it.

I’ve been with DH since I was 20 and we were students so neither of us had a wage or any assets. Straight away we couldn’t be bothered with splitting things 50/50 and owing money. We would take turns and sometimes an individual thing would be
more but it would all work out in the end. By the time we’d graduated and got jobs paying marginally above NMW we’d been together for 18 months and we’re living together so it just become one pot. There wasn’t one sign for us, just a gradual building of trust over time. We took turns on dates, then took turns doing food shops because we were eating together anyway, then split a holiday, then we were sharing bills. I earned slightly more in the first few years and then DH out earned me and will contrite to do so. We have kids though now so my lower paying job comes with flexibility that allows him to do his job.

It’s interesting because my mum was a single parent and I saw the importance of financial security. It’s why I’ve made sure my salary is good and I have the option of always earning more. It’s why I wouldn’t become a SAHM and why we each have our own accounts that wages are paid into (although we treat it as one pot). However, as I started understanding money (or the visual indicators of wealth) in my teen years, I realised it’s easier to build wealth as a couple than a single person. My dad and step mum were able to afford a lot more because they shared the load. Even if I were the higher earner I would still recognise that.

Personally I would never share money unless I'm married, with the protections that involves. It's fine for one person to pay a little more or take turns treating the each other or what have you, but actually having a joint account or buying a house together? That can go badly wrong.

I think it's quite normal to have separate finances until married so I don't think that you have kept yours separate is necessarily the big epiphany you seem to think it is. It's quite sensible until marriage. To keep doing so after marriage could be seen as financial abuse towards the person who gets less, as all things should be equal in marriage.

We didn't share finances until we were married but we also didn't live together before we were married either. I moved to another country to be with him, where it's very difficult for me to find work so he supports us financially. We sit down everytime he gets paid and we budget, so bills and joint savings are taken out and then we split the rest down the middle for "spending money." Currently this is not a lot at all because I'm pregnant and we're saving for baby essentials! I did manage to find a weekend job eventually and I offered to contribute to our joint savings but I'm getting paid so little that he said I just should just keep it for my own personal savings and extra spending money. He's a good egg.

@WhereIsMyLight that's really interesting, thank you – the way you've blended things with your DP without losing sight of your own security is reassuring to see. It all sounds very healthy!

@Opentooffers I made no reference to a 'big epiphany' in my post, just a new and different lens through which to look at some of my own core beliefs and deep-rooted fears. Your dismissive little dig was entirely unhelpful and unnecessary.

@Missingpotatocroquettes - moving to another country where your access to work is limited is a big step! Says a lot about your commitment to the relationship – and it sounds like it's working out for you (congratulations on the pregnancy!) Do you mind me asking: did you look for a weekend job mostly as something to do and a way of building community in a new place, or was it driven by wanting to contribute financially?

We started sharing finances when we moved in together when we were mid 20s so would pay halves on bills and both buy food. We got a joint account when we got married and started putting the same amount in a month to cover bills and food shop.
Holidays and big purchases we usually go halves. We both have a car so keep finances for them separate.
We both have separate accounts and savings accounts too. I can't imagine not having my own account.
We have always earned roughly similar which probably helps.

@dbeuowlxb173939 that's really reassuring to hear! I've heard so many stories of people doing it the other way around - having a single pot where everything goes for joint needs and savings and then a separate account that they pay into for personal spending money.

Do you make decisions about savings jointly, or do you think about it more as a single unit for the future?

Moving countries was definitely a big step and, I guess, that shows how much I trusted him that he wouldn't leave me high and dry. Weekend job was for both reason, gets me out of the house and I do sometimes feel a little guilty about him supporting me. Plus stops there being any major gaps on my CV as we're not staying in this country forever so I will be able to get a job in the future.

Yes and no, for our DC we decided on savings accounts for them together and how much to pay in to them. Our own savings are separate but yes I suppose are all for joint future spending.
We both have our own workplace pensions too.
If one of us needed some quick money like needed a new car etc we would help eachother out. DH paid for my car tyres last year for example.

We both came into our relationship with savings, no mortgages or debt so have always just gone 50/50 or thereabouts with daily spending and bills. We're married but I don't feel the need to add DH's name to my bank account or assets and nor does he. Ultimately, if either of us dies it would pass to each other anyway. It's swings and roundabouts with treats and splurges. We earn similar. Nothing is hidden, we use each others banking apps to book/buy certain things occasionally.

My reasons are similar to yours @doyoulikemyyams for being like this. It definitely works for us to just carry on this way so I wouldn't worry or think that if you're in a relationship it's paramount that you have joint finances, it definitely isn't.

We've always shared finances. I was still in Sixth Form when I moved in with DH and he was working in a very low paid job (pre-minimum wage days). When I left sixth form and got a job we just kept throwing all of our money in together. I've never known any other way.

Thank you, @Meadowflower2023, that's helpful to read! Do you think if you both earned differently, you'd feel differently? Not an easy question, I know, but since you seem to understand what's driving some of my choices, I'm curious...

@C0rdeliaChase really interesting to hear the other side! I was wondering if the age you get together has an impact, and you and your DH were just pups when you got started, so that's interesting too. Perhaps if you're 'in it together' before you have time to build up solo finances, maybe it's less of a question...

@doyoulikemyyams Yes, I think that's very much the case. We've both never known any different and because it's always worked for us never questioned it. I'd imagine if I'd met him later when I was already independent and had my own income we'd have separate finances.

We started out 50/50 when we moved in together despite him earning 50% more. I was struggling and paying for a car, DH had a company car and more disposable income.

We combined our income before we married, it was the best decision for us, our savings increased and we made better spending choices. It saw us through periods of redundancy and SMP where we were both the higher earner at one stage.
Now, 22yrs later, we earn approx the same and still have combined income and savings and separate personal spending accounts which receive the same £ every month.

We had separate finances when first living together in my house, we split bills 50:50, paid our own personal phones cars fun money and I bought the food shop as I had 2 kids.
We then moved into a house owned together and had a baby so we started pooling money and we have equal personal spends for fun, Everything else comes out of the pot otherwise it wouldn’t work. I’m the higher earner now, but he does 2 days childcare. We’re not married And no intention to.

Similarly to PP, I was 18 when I moved in with DH and when we got our own 'grown up' bank accounts we just got one joint account. Everything goes in one pot and all money is considered family money. When we make financial decisions we have a chat about it and do whatever we both agree on.

Whatever savings we decide to put away each month gets halved and 50% goes into a savings account in DH's name and 50% into mine. My mum worked in family courts and always told me to make sure I had money of my own somewhere.

Gosh, this is fascinating to read... thank you all so much.

@LaWench were you just completely sure and comfortable that he was 'the one' and you weren't going to split up when you started combining your income?

@HippeePrincess I'm guessing buying a house together was the first big choice you made to pool money – was that scary for you at all? I know some of these questions might be a bit personal so apologies if it's too much to ask – I'm just imagining myself making that choice and noticing all my self-protection mechanisms kicking into play!

Not too scary no because I made sure we never borrowed more than I could manage to pay back on my own if required, and I protected my equity legally which is 1/3 value of the house. We’re tenants in common too.
i would be terrified to get married (again) and wouldn’t risk my capital for anything.

I married my first husband in my early 20s and he was extremely abusive. Because we had completely combined finances, I couldn't leave. Finally did when I was 28 but with literally a suitcase and had to completely start my life over.

When I met my now husband when I was 31, I told him I'd never combine finances. I did also tell him I'd never get married again but I changed my mind on that one! We do now have a joint account that all our bills go out of but we pay into that separately each month. My wages still go in to my own bank account. I trust my husband with my life but I still can't see me ever allowing myself to be in that position again. We are completely transparent about our finances and we split things fairly, but it's a security thing for me to know I've got "my own money", an escape fund I guess, although I'm certain I'll never need it.

If I'm being honest @doyoulikemyyams I do think if there was a big difference in earnings then the higher earner would pay the lions share. It is difficult sometimes as I'm fiercely independent particularly around money so when DH gets a decent bonus, the 50/50 slips because he insists on contributing more and I do struggle with it.

When we moved into our house together we set up a joint account. We both earn similar money and set up a standing order to pay an equal amount into the account each month. All the bills are taken from this account. It's worked brilliantly throughout, if the account ever needs topping up we do it equally. This also means that we have our own accounts for our own individual spending which is a win win.