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Original poster

Rant about abusive (narcissistic) wankers here

19 replies

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 15:23

Hes not even MY abusive, narcissistic ex but SIL is constantly in a state because of his behaviour and we are picking up a lot of the pieces, including a lot of childcare as he doesn't turn up for contact time and she doesn't work locally so can't do school run.

The latest? He is absolutely LIVID right now and sending her streams of abuse. Why? He thought it would be fun to "surprise" the DC by turning up unexpectedly at football practice. He did not tell her about this plan in advance. He has not been seen or heard from in 3 weeks except a couple of texts justifying why he had not turned up for pre-agreed contact time (these texts come AFTER he doesn't turn up and usually only after she contacts him).

She did not take the DC to football this week because, wait for it, it's finished for the summer now.

He is absolutely furious. According to him he has now wasted a lot of time and effort coming to see them. She should have told him they wouldn't be at football. She is the reason he can never see the DC and this is just a classic example - she is so controlling that she has purposefully kept him in the dark re football.

You couldn't make this up because it's so irrational but he really truly believes every word coming out of his mouth.

She's in a complete state because he just won't stop harassing her and she's terrified he's going to turn up at the house.

On plus side, she's very close to going to the police to log all the abuse so this might push her over the edge and finally do it.

Most of the time I can ignore his shit and be sympathetic to her without getting involved. But this one has really frustrated me because she did seem to finally be in a slightly better place and now it's just another step backwards.

Tell me your irrational abusive/controlling/narc ex stories so we can laugh together? Please?!

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 15:36

awful

is he your brother? or your partner’s?

cupcaske123 · 19/07/2024 15:39

There's nothing to laugh about. She needs to block him and download a co parenting app to communicate about the children.

She needs a doorbell that records and to do drop offs/pick ups in a neutral place away from her home.

Why is she terrified? If he's been threatening her, then she needs to take that evidence to the police and look at getting a non molestation order. If he turns up then she needs to call the police.

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 15:43

including a lot of childcare as he doesn't turn up for contact time and she doesn't work locally so can't do school run.

she needs to stop even remotely thinking this cretin is going to keep to plans

so you have had to do the school run for the children for the last 3 weeks?

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 15:48

cupcaske123 · 19/07/2024 15:39

There's nothing to laugh about. She needs to block him and download a co parenting app to communicate about the children.

She needs a doorbell that records and to do drop offs/pick ups in a neutral place away from her home.

Why is she terrified? If he's been threatening her, then she needs to take that evidence to the police and look at getting a non molestation order. If he turns up then she needs to call the police.

I meant laugh at the ridiculousness. Because your'e right, it's not funny really.

I am trying to convince her to start using an app or something, or consider letting someone else deal with him (although he hates everyone so that probably wouldn't work). It's hard because he manipulated and controlled her for a very very long time and also managed to convince her for years and years that SHE was the problem so she's still dealing with that fall out and still hasn't fully realised that she is the victim and HE is a bad person.

I think the being physically scared of him thing is relatively new and is the result of his behaviour spiralling really badly a couple of months ago, coinciding with her dating someone else for a bit, which is why the ONE almost good thing about all this is that she's now seriously considering going to the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 15:51

@quickoffthemark it's DH's sister.

We do school runs a few times a week, whenever he disappears (or, pre to his habit of disappearing, whenever they had a fight and he'd just announce he wasn't doing it) for the last few years. it's not a huge hardship - his school is close and we can drop him at a friend of hers who acts as a sort of emergency babysitter for her (doesn't drive and has kids at another school so can't do the actual school run part). It does annoy me though because he's so useless.

And yes - she absolutel has to stop being surprised by how useless he is. But as I said in my last post - for YEARS he convinced her (and, to be honest, many other people, most notably DH's family) that SHE was the problem and that he deserved a lot of sympathy for his "trauma". It's hard for her to adjust that thinking now. Although I do get frustrated sometimes. But I try to be sympathetic - abused women don't just bounce back.

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 15:55

how long ago did they split? how old are the children?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 19/07/2024 15:57

There's nothing to laugh at.

My advice to you would be to step back a bit from all the drama, and just continue to quietly and constantly advise her to report any abuse to the police.

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 16:00

TwattyMcFuckFace · 19/07/2024 15:57

There's nothing to laugh at.

My advice to you would be to step back a bit from all the drama, and just continue to quietly and constantly advise her to report any abuse to the police.

This is what I do 95% of the time. This latest one just really got me because she's been doing a lot better, feeling a lot better, getting on with her life and starting to come back to the person she used to be and suddenly it was all upset again (which, of course, is probably partly why he did it)

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 16:03

To clarify the laugh - honestly, the only way any of us got through the trauma of their initial break up was to laugh. So to him, it was all grey rock as much as possible. But we'd remind each other of some of his most outrageous statements and take the piss out of them for a laugh over a drink as a way to relieve some of the tension.

Our favourite was when he had a meltdown because she was going to work and he was not working and he said, "So you expect me to look after the children because you're working?".

DH and I used that line on each other every time one of us walked out the door for at least a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 16:08

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 15:55

how long ago did they split? how old are the children?

2 years.
5 and 7.

I don't really need advice. I KNOW it's batshit. I try to keep out of it as much as possible while still supporting her.

But I was hoping others could tell me their eye roll moments! Ideally from after they'd stopped being affected by the batshittery.

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 16:12

your SIL is no doubt on mumsnet and has posted many times sadly

OhBumBags · 19/07/2024 16:15

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 16:03

To clarify the laugh - honestly, the only way any of us got through the trauma of their initial break up was to laugh. So to him, it was all grey rock as much as possible. But we'd remind each other of some of his most outrageous statements and take the piss out of them for a laugh over a drink as a way to relieve some of the tension.

Our favourite was when he had a meltdown because she was going to work and he was not working and he said, "So you expect me to look after the children because you're working?".

DH and I used that line on each other every time one of us walked out the door for at least a week.

honestly, the only way any of us got through the trauma of their initial break up was to laugh. So to him, it was all grey rock as much as possible. But we'd remind each other of some of his most outrageous statements and take the piss out of them for a laugh over a drink as a way to relieve some of the tension.

So you're not the only one involved in the drama, the rest of her family are involved too?

Look, couples break up all the time and the behaviour leading up to it and afterwards, is rarely pretty.

But there does seem to be an unhealthy level of over involvement here, in your husband's sister's life.

Even spilling all her private business on a public forum is a bit strange.

Sunshineafterthehail · 19/07/2024 16:15

My exh many years ago had me sent a letter via solicitor demanding I take down my new blinds as he could no longer see into my new home...
Surprisingly the judge didn't order I do so. He was most fuming..

He once had me taken to the police station on an assault charge. He had his foot in my back door and I shut the door on him after asking him to get out. He claimed a scratch on his face was my doing.. At the time I had those huge gel nails. I told the policeman if I was going to assault him I would have grabbed a big pan.. No charges were made against me. He fumed again.
Was a shock to hear he had died of a heart attack and not spontaneous human combustion..

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 16:17

OhBumBags · 19/07/2024 16:15

honestly, the only way any of us got through the trauma of their initial break up was to laugh. So to him, it was all grey rock as much as possible. But we'd remind each other of some of his most outrageous statements and take the piss out of them for a laugh over a drink as a way to relieve some of the tension.

So you're not the only one involved in the drama, the rest of her family are involved too?

Look, couples break up all the time and the behaviour leading up to it and afterwards, is rarely pretty.

But there does seem to be an unhealthy level of over involvement here, in your husband's sister's life.

Even spilling all her private business on a public forum is a bit strange.

Show quote history

i am inclined to agree

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 16:29

@Sunshineafterthehail that's INSANE!!!! I can see this man being similar - he did get sparky when she wouldn't guess him a key to her new house.

@OhBumBags sadly, don't think irs particularly outing as its pretty common. As for being in involved- would love not to have been. But he never stopped. Ranting abusive messages to everyone in her family and most of her friends - we have all blocked him now so that helps but itmdoesnt happen overnight. But then he does take it out on her. And yes, we have to pick up pieces when she needs help.

OP posts:
OhBumBags · 19/07/2024 16:33

Well maybe step back a bit and fill your time with something else?

It doesn't mean you all can't be there for her still, but the level of detail makes her sound like a family project or something.

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 16:34

GingerIsBest · 19/07/2024 16:29

@Sunshineafterthehail that's INSANE!!!! I can see this man being similar - he did get sparky when she wouldn't guess him a key to her new house.

@OhBumBags sadly, don't think irs particularly outing as its pretty common. As for being in involved- would love not to have been. But he never stopped. Ranting abusive messages to everyone in her family and most of her friends - we have all blocked him now so that helps but itmdoesnt happen overnight. But then he does take it out on her. And yes, we have to pick up pieces when she needs help.

oh come on op

the level of detail to which you have gone is very outing

quickoffthemark · 19/07/2024 16:38

you want to hear about people’s narcissistic exes to make you feel better about your SIL’s narcissistic ex

isn’t that a little… narcissistic! 🤭

onhols81 · 21/07/2024 09:28

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