How would you compute a situation where a parent acted abusive because they suffered trauma as a child?

[Whatdoyoucall]

If the parent is not aware that the behaviour they do is because of trauma they experienced as a child. But the outcome was damage to the child. The reason doesn’t take away the damage. How would you feel about the person in this instance? Would you just accept but stay away? They obviously suffered something terrible as a child.

A child should not be around an abusive parent, blaming childhood does not excuse it

I forgave him, but that was posthumously and after a lot of therapy. I understand why he was the way he was and it doesn't excuse any of it (I have managed to break the cycle, so he could have too), but I have forgiven.

I would do what's necessary to protect the child. You can't make excuses for child abuse.

Firstly i'm not sure how you're gauging that the reason for them doing it is due to trauma - is that an assumption or a fact.
It's a fairly accurate assumption probably, but the bottom line is that everyone has a choice and they are choosing to behave this way.

There is no excuse for abuse, i'm hard line on it. I don't care what happened to them. It is now their responsibilitiy as an adult to deal with it. No excuses, not now, not ever.

I mean, context is everything. If there's a reaction one time (when toddler starts having tantrums for example) and they seek help to deal with it and it doesn't happen again, that's very different to hurting someone over and over and saying, it was my bad childhood and not taking responsibility

I’m talking emotional abuse. The children are adults now. The mums parent died very young and the dad went with another women and child was abandoned really. Went on to have children and in the need for control and fear of abandonment have affected them quite badly. I’d say it was the trauma that’s caused the mum to parent like this.

You can only forgive if the parent accepts that their behaviour is wrong.

If they don’t see that their behaviour is wrong then your only choice is to move on as soon as you can. My mum is abusive (but can’t see it- she’d pass a lie detector test if you asked her if she was abusive ) and the only way to deal with it was to move out and go NC. NC is the only way to ensure that the next generation (my kids ) go unscathed. Ending the cycle of abuse with me is probably the best thing that I’ve ever done. It’s painful for me but I am delighted that it’s a pain that my kids will never know.

Depends if it was continued/extended bad behaviour from the parent, of a couple of brief one off blips.

My DM has trauma from her childhood that has affected me all my life and I'm still in therapy for in my 40s. Knowing why she behaved as she did doesn't make my childhood any less traumatic.

It's incredibly common. Especially with emotional abuse. The abused parent doesn't realise they were abused so parent in the same style as they their own parents.
Its actually easier to break free of sexual or physical abuse cycles as most people see that this is/was wrong and try to avoid harming their own children in this way. But lot's of emotionally abused parents do not even recognise that the shouting or lack of affection etc then received as children was in any way unusual.
You are lucky to have this insight and to be able to break the cycle of emotional abuse that has probably been plaguing your family for generations

I think this is really common. I see it in my own family and it is heartbreaking.

@Luminousalumnus I don’t think in this situation the parent was abused but I think the trauma must have had a significant impact on their emotional development.

I think it's common and I don't think people realise they are doing it in many cases.

I do think when you look back at how hard previous generations had life, it's not surprising.

I've had to put a hell of an effort in to break the cycle of my family. My DB doesn't feel the same or see it as I do. There was an interesting thread the other night on the impact of parenting on behaviours.

I look back now and see I was exhibiting some behaviours and I have worked hard to eliminate them.