Found My Husband Messaging His Ex - Feeling Betrayed and Lost

[AngryAndrea69]

I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for ten years, and we have three wonderful children. For the most part, we’ve had a strong relationship, though it's been strained recently. My husband works long hours, and I stay at home, managing the household and taking care of our kids. I love being a mum, but lately, I’ve been feeling neglected and unappreciated. My needs—emotional and physical—aren’t being met.

A few days ago, while I was tidying up the living room, I found his phone buzzing on the coffee table. It was a message notification, and the name on the screen made my heart drop: it was his ex-girlfriend. For context, she and my husband had dated briefly before we met, and though I’ve never been insecure about their past, seeing her name felt like a punch to the gut.

Curiosity and fear got the best of me. I unlocked his phone (yes, I know his passcode), and what I found was devastating. There were dozens of messages exchanged between them over the past few weeks. Their conversations started innocently enough, but then they became more personal. They reminisced about their past, laughed about old memories, and shared details about their current lives. What troubled me the most was the clear emotional connection they seemed to have.

I discovered that she is a dwarf, which I didn’t know before. This made me feel even more confused and insecure. Not because of her condition, but because it felt like he was drawn to something different, something outside of our life together.

I confronted him that evening after the kids were in bed. He didn’t deny it. He said he was feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, and reaching out to someone from his past was a way to escape. He swore there was nothing physical between them and that he never meant to hurt me, but his words felt hollow. I don’t know if I believe him.

Now, I’m left trying to navigate this mess. I feel betrayed and lost. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family, and this is how he repays me? I’m not sure what to do. Should I try to rebuild our relationship or is this a sign that it’s time to move on? How do I explain this to our kids if it comes to that? I’m heartbroken and confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hello OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm going through similar. My husband of 17 years had an emotional affair with his ex. It's devastating and heartbreaking. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you, I'm navigating this disaster myself. Always here if you need a chat xx

What exactly is in those messages op? Do they say they have feelings for each other or are they sexual? Perhaps I’ve read it wrong but it sounds like they were chatty and friendly, but not affair territory? Yet at least? Or have I got that wrong?

I wouldn't describe it as an emotional affair. It's 2 people chatting. For now. Perhaps this is the wake up call you and your DH need to try and get your marriage back on track. Good luck.

Unless the messages contained something much more incriminating than you've mentioned, it is absolutely too early to just walk away (IMO).

You're both feeling disconnected and unhappy, so work on it. He didn't deny the messages, he didn't gaslight and lie, this is not the end. You have a wonderful family and a life together, you should do what you can to find your connection and happiness.

Again, IMO.

I’m so sorry @AngryAndrea69. You don’t need to make any decisions right now but I really think you should ask him to leave for a while so you can gather your thoughts. He needs to understand that he could lose you and feel the full consequence of his actions. Some space will give you time to think things through, maybe start getting info about financial situation etc. so you can make a fully informed decision. It can feel tempting to do the pick me dance and engage in hysterical bonding but this will only muddy the waters.

I wish you peace of mind and clarity whichever decision you come to

Edit to add, I read your op as if the messages are of a sexual nature but reading pp, I might have that wrong? Only you know if the messages crossed a boundary for you though and if you’d be able to restore the trust.

I would take this as a wake up call that you and your DH have started to take each other for granted.

Since it's not an emotional affair as such yet (though it was likely on its way to that) the WORST thing you can do in this moment is overreact. You'll make this ex sooooo much more appealing.

Play it cool. Smile. Act undisturbed. After a bit, Tell your DH you've been thinking about what he said and you agree that you both need to work on your connection to each other (drifting is easy to happen with small children in any case, you're definitely not unique in that).

Start making firm arrangements to spend more time together. Get a sitter once a week or leave kids with relatives and go away. Get new underwear/perfume/etc become a bit unpredictable. Start articulating your needs much more forthrightly if you don't already. Request things you want. Romantic gestures.

(Her being a dwarf isn't indicative of a fetish by the way, he just was attracted to the total package, as he was with you, so don't start reading unnecessary stuff into that).

Oh and if she knows he's married she's not a nice person. So I wouldn't feel threatened by someone morally beneath you. The cheek.

Yes it's the fact that as his wife it should be you who he turns to for emotional support when he is feeling low. Not someone outside your relationship.
That must feel like a real betrayal.

I agree that it has all the signs of becoming an emotional affair if the issue isn't addressed.

I also agree with pp that you and your DH need to sit down and have open discussions about your relationship and where you go from here.

Hi OP
youre in a really rubbish situation, I’m sorry.

I agree with other posters that it doesn’t sound like an emotional affair …yet. I think ex’s connecting after a period of time is very common if they didn’t end on bad terms. especially now with social media etc making it easier to keep people in your life for longer

its horrible to have heard directly from him that he was feeling disconnected but ultimately it sounds plausible to me, I don’t from my reading think he’s lying about his reasons for being in renewed contact with her

I don’t read him saying that he is disconnected/overwhelmed as being a pop at you/your life together however not having got full details of your conversation I don’t know what else he said

I feel it’s time for boundaries, both in terms of contact with other people (especially exs!) and in how you work to spend more quality time together

best wishes OP x

Is he willing to cut her off and never speak to her or contact her again? And when he has that conversation is he willing to do it in front of you? If my husband said no to either of those two questions I'd be asking him to leave the house and if he refuses I'd walk out and leave him to take care of the kids for a few days. Let him really think this over.