This will be a long post- my apologies in advance for this.
My parents married abroad (we are Arab), and came to the UK with 2 kids in the early 90s with the plan to return home after a few years. 2 kids later, my father, without discussing it or considering my mother's opinions, decided that we would stay in the UK. He told her he was staying here with or without her and that she was free to leave with the children back to our home country. She ended up staying. They never registered their marriage legally in the UK. When my father purchased our home in the early noughties, he did so in his sole name. He worked, and my mum was a SAHM until we were all at school. She then started working low paying jobs. Her first job, my father forced her to give him her salary in its entirety for 2 years (she actually had her pay cheques addressed to him). Thereafter, he had her set up a monthly standing order to his account. This is in addition to forcing her to pay for household bills. He was earning much more than her and didn't need to the money. This went on for 5-6 years. When my mum found the courage to stop the standing order (without discussing it with him), he fought with her and left their marital bed for a week or so.
Growing up, he'd always demonstrated very little respect for my mother. One time, he'd accused her of working with prostitutes (she worked in a school). Another time when she suggested he didn't spend too much time with overly friendly single female student (he worked at the university for a time), he threw the tray of food my mum had prepared for him onto the floor. A vivid childhood memory for me is my mother on her knees picking up pieces of pasta of our living room floor. Another time, he had invited a lady neighbour in to his office at home to fix his computer. The lady was very scantily dressed and me and my siblings were home. When my mother suggested she wasn't entirely comfortable with the lady entering our home wearing so little clothing, he told her that she was free to leave if she didn't like it. My parental aunt once joked to my mother about the rumour of a baby girl, born of an English mother, my father (he had lived in the UK for a time before he married my mother) had left in the UK (such was the disrespect his family also demonstrated to my mum).
He did the basics when we were growing up, as in food, clothes, shelter, and we do have some happy early childhood memories of outings etc. But he was never too invested in our wellbeings or futures. He never know how and what we were doing in our studies for example, or showed much concern about our health. I had a chronic orthopaedic complaint since childhood which he used to claim benefits for, but he never demonstrated any concern about my treatment etc. And the money he kept for himself.
When my elder brother reached his mid to late teens, my father started viewing him as a threat. He told my mum that she would no longer be needing him now her son is a man. He started doing everything in his power to emasculate him. He prevented him from studying away at university, stopped him from taking a work placement after he finished his degree. My brother started suffering mentally (anxiety, depression, OCD), and my father started getting violent with him. He pushed my brother down the stairs (my brother broke his collar bone), and would get physically violent with him infrequently over the years, pushing and shoving him, one time he kicked my brother while he was on the floor on a public street. He'd tell him that he wasn't a man. He sabotaged my brother's numerous attempts at marriage. He used my brother for 10-15 years to build up his company (my father's written English is not too good, and my brother effectively singlehandedly managed the company's admin without seeing a penny in return). My brother's mental health has deteriorated to the point now where in his late 30s he is unable to live a functioning independent life. He is unable to maintain relationships, or work. In recent months he's become deeply psychotic. I tried to get him reviewed for sectioning but he's still deemed as having capacity. And he's refusing to acknowledge he has an issue.
While he wanted to keep my brother close, he was happy for his daughters to leave home (contrary to our cultural norms- I imagine to be relieved of the financial burden). At 21 I supported myself and my 19 year old sister for 4 years while my sister was studying for her degree. We moved 300 miles away from home. I had asked him to help one time (we had issues with landlord/agents and faced the prospect of being homeless) but my father refused. During my time away, I had also started supporting my mum financially (supplementing her small income), and paying for my elder brother's medical treatment (dental and other private medical costs). I remember one time, my father mananged to trick me into visiting the bank with him so that I could open a savings account. He came into the room with me and when the bank employee asked me what I was here for, my father responded that I wanted to get a mortage to purchase a house (he wanted me to buy him/the family a house- it had been something he'd alluded to previously).
All of us have suffered psychologically. Self harm, suicide attempts, drug abuse, anxiety, depression, PTSD. But thanks largly to my gracious and loving mother, we've all (apart from my elder brother) been able to carve a life for ourselves. Me and my mum and siblings travelled a lot. We have 2 masters and 2 PhDs between the 3 of us, good jobs, me and my sister are married.
Fast forward to 2022. Our house back in our home country sells making my father very very rich. He has other property there too which is generating a rental income. While me and my mum (who is now medically retired and supported entirely by myself) and siblings are on holiday, my father, following an altercation with my eldest brother, leaves the family home. He takes with him the property deeds, our birth certificates, my mums marriage certificate, and cash (he had a substantial amount in the house). My mum comes back to the UK to find all this gone. We don't know where he went. This was 2 months before my wedding.
I made a grave mistake at this point. I should have gone to the police and advised my mum to file for a civil divorce. But she didn't want to be divorced in her old age, so I sought the mediation of a religious body and together we agreed on certain terms (including money owed by my father to my mother, and addressing his behaviour/abuse of my elder brother). I just wanted not to have to worry about my mum after I got married. I had no assets or savings, just good earning potential which has allowed me to support myself and others. But I wanted to take time out from working when I married. So an agreement is reached and my father returns home.
December 2022 he leaves again but unexpectedly. He and my mum were seemingly on good terms. This time he starts emptying his bank accounts and moving all his assests abroad. He's also purchased a mansion (with an annex and swimming pool) back in our home country. My sister was due to be married Oct 2023, and we needed my father to be present (we couldn't find anyone to officiate the ceremony in his absence). I reach out to his friend and again my father returns in time for the wedding. He returns to the family home and we try and devise a plan to keep him here long enough to get my mum's ducks in row. I am in my final month of pregnancy at this point.
November 2023 my father leaves again. Expect this time, he calls all the energy companies and informs them of the house's "new occupants". My mum and elder brother have no way of settling what turned out to be thousands of pounds of unpaid bills. His sole remaining asset in the UK remains the house (which I must add is in an utter state of disrepair- he deliberately left works unfinished for decades). My thinking is that he knows my mum cannot afford to live there and he wants to get her to leave so that he can eventually sell it.
We have an appointment with her GP to support her claim for legal aid next week. But we need a copy of her marriage certificate to use in divorce proceedings in the UK. My father took both copies and we've since learnt that he managed to steal the original copy from the civil offices in the city they got married in (with the help of a militia contact- this is a criminal offence of course). We also need proof that he owns property abroad which we are struggling to obtain. We've all gone NC with his apart from my sister and elder brother who remain very much trauma bonded.
I have applied for social housing for my mum (she refuses to live with any of her children and is insistent on having a place of her own- she's very proud and remains incredibly dignified despite her misfortune) but I'm getting no where. She isn't entitled to much welfare support. I've contacted charities and the local council but I'm hitting a brick wall everytime. The only option seems to be she and my brother declare themselves homeless and get sheltered separately in a refuge. I've stopped working since having my daughter. My other brother has a huge student loans to pay off and is struggling to buy a house as most young adults his age. My sister has had a career change but she's looking at starting a family soon too.
What do I do now? Is it worth going to the police? Is a no win no fee claim against my father a waste of time? Please please advise.
Thanks so much if you've read to the end. There's so much more to say, I could write an entire thesis about my father 😔