Is this gaslighting?

[yestoanother50]

For context... my relationship has been very bad for a while and we are in the process of separating. I think the phrase is that the scales are falling from my eyes. I'm coming to realise that I have spent 25 years with a selfish man who does absolutely nothing for me and has never loved me in a healthy way - although he will say "what we had was special - and has never been a partner in my life. Zoom forward today..

On Wednesday I came back with the kids after 10 days away visiting family. He was at home whilst we were away. He's not working, which isn't unusual, with the main difference being that this time he is officially diagnosed with depression and is being treated for it with meds and therapy. All that seems to have done is given him the energy to pursue more of his own interests - and spend most of the day on Twitter. He will be moving out in a month and has a long to do list so I stupidly thought, with him sounding happy and optimistic when he spoke to the kids whilst he was distraction free, that he was getting himself organised. However, when I got back there was no food for us, the house a total and utter mess, laundry everywhere, the sofas a mess, washing up in the sink, not an empty surface in sight. He also moved his mattress into the attic space where I was sleeping before, forcing me back onto the sofa and into the middle of the chaos. He pointed out that he had cleaned the bathroom and washed the kids bedsheets, however, he didn't make the beds and then stropped off partway through doing it because he was "too tired" so the kids and I fixed them up.

Obviously, I have been pissed off since I came home, gradually restoring order. He knows I'm disappointed that the house was a mess when I came back but he has done nothing to try and rectify any of it. When I have brought it up he accuses me of "having changed" whilst I was away and "sounding like my mother" and in no way engages with the issue, which is the state of the house and the fact that I am overwhelmed, as I also work freelance and am flat out with client work. In any discussions about things like this - balance of work, money, household responsibilities, etc. - he will always say that I'm being horrible to him, that he's depressed, has done xyz, for example a couple of loads of washing in 10 days. It's always been this way.

Help me see clearly, please.

It's going to be a long month until he leaves,I would stop doing any washing ,cooking,tidying up for him,throw all his mess into his attic where he belongs.Try and concentrate on your children and the new life you will have without this man,he's too wrapped up in himself to care about anyone else.

It's going to be a long month until he leaves,I would stop doing any washing ,cooking,tidying up for him,throw all his mess into his attic

Yes, this. Totally. I am still cooking because he eats with us and I don't want to start a fight with his lazy ass in front of the kids. They know he's going and they see what's happening. Counting down the days.

Hang on in there, OP. What a prick he is. Good luck and keep looking forward x

I can't believe I've put up with this for so long!

No that's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is deliberately behaving in a way to make you question your sanity.

Okay, so basically telling me I'm turning into my mother or being deranged and unreasonable when I challenge him about is overall shitness in the house/life/contributing department is something else? I'm trying to understand the dynamic in this relationship so can make better choices for myself once I'm on my own.

He sounds emotionally abusive. Sounds like he's enacting DARVO - Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. You might find the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft insightful.

The dynamic is that he's a lazy shitbag who can't take responsibility for himself. You don't need some kind of psychological phrase for this to understand what's going on, but if you want one it's "deflection".

"I may/may not have done ABC, but you've done/you are XYZ!"

Hi. I would tell him that you agree with him that you are turning into your mother, and tell him that he is regressing into being a stroppy teenager. When he stops acting like a child then you will stop treating him like one. His choice.

He sounds a nightmare.

Why will it take a month?

He has a flat lined up but it's not quite ready to move into yet.

OP you say it’s not quite ready… time to take some steps to make sure he is ready! Otherwise this will drag on.
If someone is really bad with depression they may pay little attention to their home but they tend to be very subdued in every level. Giving nasty responses to simple requests doesn’t fit. If you are really depressed you feel guilty about what you are not doing, and apologise profusely, even if the apologies are mumbled or muted. You have no focus, certainly not enough to spend all day on Twitter!
Your DH may be going to therapy and receiving meds but at some point with that support you have to take small steps to recover. Even if you’d come home to a bit of disarray, if you’d seen your DH had made some efforts, that would have helped.
But he has made none because he knows you will come and he will actually expect you to be his mother!
Once he has his own place he can free to live in a tip - although I’m sure his DC won’t want to be around it there either.
There is a big difference between supporting a loving partner with depression and putting up with someone who is lazy and makes everyone miserable.

My partner is a depressed addict. I am intending on ending it from today as his depression is killing us..well its killed us. He is boring, selfish and since not working hes been sitting home all day. Got back on drugs and hes told his therapist im always at him!!
He does tidy up. But he does not clean. He has no desire to do much so our relationship is fully neglected. I am also not allowed to bring up my feelings.

Keep strong and hopefully when hes gone you will feel lighter.

Literally count down the days. Don’t get angry- what’s the point? Do what you ca, maintain cordial relationship until he’s gone

It's going to feel like such a relief once he's gone. Your life will be so much better without this joy sucker xx

This is good advice but I am struggling to keep it together tbh. Since having an end in sight it's like all the emotions I've bottled up over the years are just spilling out of me. I was walking in the woods the other day and had to sit down I was sobbing so hard. I cry before meetings, in the car... everywhere.

To top this off we have just had a row about having a young friend we both know, who needs support, to stay for a couple of weeks. xP thinks it's a great idea - and of course it's what this friend needs right now so why wouldn't we do it? I think, you have to be fucking joking, look at the state of the place, I can't cope with another adult lolling around the place "on holiday" whilst I run myself ragged with work/school holiday demands. The dryer that was in the middle of the living room with his clothes on when I got back on Wednesday is still there ffs! But I'm the bad guy, apparently. Jeez.

And breathe.

Thank you. I just wrote on another post that since agreeing to separate the emotions are literally bubbling out of me every day. They take my breathe away! They have been bottled up for so long with it all being about him, what he needs, what he's going through... I'm really annoyed with myself for letting it go on this long. I hope you make your escape to a brighter future too.