I’m having a lot of trouble making sense of my relationship with my mum. She’s done some awful things and made some real sacrifices for me. My relationship with her goes through ups and downs and recently I’ve felt myself simmering with rage every time I speak to her. I’m hoping getting it all out here might help me make some sense of it.
she’s a very odd combination of cruel but helpful. As an example, she was extremely physically, verbally and emotionally abusive during my childhood. When I was very young (under 10) any need elicited a beating, from needing a bath to food to bedtime etc. as a result, I became a very withdrawn child and developed some medical issues which I now believe to be anxiety related (for example I wouldn’t eat, as I was afraid to spend time with her, which caused digestive issues). However, on the other hand she made sure we were fed and clothed, did homework with us and planned elaborate birthday parties etc.
As another example, when I had my DD, she came to stay and took on loads of physical work around the house (cleaning, cooking etc). But she also spent lots of that time telling me how awful I looked, how much weight I needed to lose, creating issues between DH and I, etc.
or as another example, my parents sent me to private school and mum took me to an extra curricular lesson once a week. But on the other hand, never turned up for a single parents evening, I never had a friend over, was utterly disengaged in how I did at school and I moved school every year or two based on whims (moving around the country/ city) so I had no consistency or long term friends.
my teenage years were particularly hard. I remember trying desperately to think of ways to escape her anger and I was so convinced that I was an awful, unloveable child that deserved ridicule and unkindness. Now my DD has entered her teenage years, and I don’t find her repulsive, I still love her and it really is very triggering for me every time she passes a milestone. For example, I remember when I started to smell of BO, she didn’t offer any advice or deodorant (or even clean uniform) but she did take every opportunity to complain to visitors how her younger two didn’t stink. A teacher at school eventually took me aside and helped. Another vivid memory is her getting really angry and hitting me for ruining sibling school photos with my ugliness around age 12. My mum and sisters are all very traditionally beautiful, I take after my dad and it’s been a point of anger for her since I can remember. Another example is continuing to plan elaborate birthday parties but hitting me for not working on party jobs quick enough. again, I was a very very quiet child and she used to justify her behaviour a lot by talking about how sullen and awkward I was.
having said all of this, she went through a very difficult childhood herself, including losing her birth family. She’s struggled with her mental health her entire life and I know she’s tried very hard to be a better mother than her own (for example, prioritising my access to education). I imagine becoming a mother must have triggered her. She’s apologised for her behaviour in my childhood and said that she regrets it severely.
she strongly pushed me to marry my ex DH, who turned physically abusive after marriage. For years, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he was abusive, as I was convinced that it was my fault for inciting abuse (as I felt I did with my mum). It took me years of therapy to end that relationship and I know she’s always been sorely disappointed that I couldn’t make it work and blamed me in part (‘you’ve never known how to manage others’). However, she’s also said that she supports me and my DC unconditionally.
when she visits, she’ll bring lots and lots of gifts for the DC and I And she seeks opportunities to give us gifts and cash. However, she’ll also drop unkind remarks designed to put me down in front of DC (‘oh how lovely you have friends, I must say your mum never managed to make any’ etc) however, she’s a loving grandmother to them and I don’t think she would ever dare treat them as she did me. She tried once with my DD ‘you’re a shy thing, aren’t you?’ and I was so angry at her, and let her know.
the final thing that’s hurting me is how she treats my DF. They had a very difficult marriage and DF was a rubbish, absent husband who did no housework or childcare and probably cheated. My mum has never worked a day in her life and feels very hard done by that she did all the childcare and housework. However, all her DC were in full time private school by 3, nannies before that, so she’s lived a comfortable life but is very resentful that we had neither nannies or cleaners between ages 9-16 (due to private school costs). However, DF was recently very unwell and is losing his hearing and cognition. She’ll often mock or deliberately confuse him. For example, if he calls me and says ‘hello fec, where are you’, she’ll deliberately shout nonsense locations in the background (‘she’s in the Arctic circle’) and he’ll get confused and be unable to follow the conversation. It’s awful to watch, he seems scared to say anything in case she mocks him and that’s exactly how I felt growing up.
but then she’ll go out of her way to help in some ways. When I started a new job, she came and stayed with my DC for weeks to support me. She often expresses remorse for the past, she’s no longer physically abusive and she complements my parenting and says she wishes she’d had access to resources to be a better parent/ break the cycles of her family life. She’s suffered a learning disability and from mental health issues her entire life, unsupported until about 20 years ago.
I go through phases of getting along very well with her and the phases when I find it so distressing to be around her. If someone asked me if I have a good mother or a good relationship with my mother, I genuinely couldn’t answer. I’ve tried to bring up some of her recent behaviours and that ended in a huge fight as she felt I was holding onto the past and looking to find fault.
the final factor is that she was not abusive to my siblings. There was a very clear scapegoat and golden child dynamic. I remember a friend pointing it out to her when I was around 9 and she looked at me and said, ‘well look at her face and look at her beautiful sibling, of course I’m going to prefer the younger one’. This means my silblings also can’t relate to my anger with her and I worry judge me for it. I’ve explored with my therapist, but she keeps saying that my feelings are valid: the problem is I can’t sort out my own feelings.