Going through a rocky patch with DH and we’ve separated. My second marriage, first for DH. When we met I had 3 young children. DH was open about having a history of depression and anxiety for which he took medication. We dated, he moved in and then married. All was well, no issues.
About a year after marrying I fell pregnant (planned) and we moved to a bigger house. At the same time DH’s mental health took a nose dive, he started to have regular panic attacks and couldn’t go into work. He’d worked at the same place for 20years in a public facing role but suddenly couldn’t do it. I’m simplifying it right down but he was very unwell. At one point crisis team were involved and he was under the care of the psychiatric hospital where he underwent assessment and a treatment plan formed. He changed meds several times, had a course of cbt and was followed up for several months. The only thing he didn’t want to do was talking therapy, I don’t know his reasons but that was something he felt wouldn’t benefit him. At home if we ever had a disagreement he couldn’t handle any conflict and would often leave the house, going back to his parents until settled. This didn’t happen frequently. Eventually he lost his job on medical grounds. We decided his health came first so he picked up the role of SAHD and started working from home with a monetised hobby, I have a decent job that covers our outgoings. This all took place over a hard couple of years. Through the worst we had a second child, again planned.
Fast forward to now, children are DD19, DD17, DS15, DS7 & DD4. DH is a lot better and is no longer requiring medication. It's been a huge turnaround for him and he always mindful of returning to the state he was in.
He stopped working from home (work dried up) and has been looking for a job for the past year. Took a part time job over the school exams but that’s now finished. This is where a lot of our conflict comes in, I think he’s not looking hard enough to find another job, he thinks he’s doing all he can whilst protecting his mental health. He thinks I’m not looking after the finances well enough and utilising credit (ie store cards/credit cards/klarna) he doesn’t agree with credit, you can purchase something outright or you can’t afford it. My stance is I took on the burden of managing finances when he couldn’t, I do it on one wage and everything is paid, it’s only recently he’s felt well enough to talk about money without it triggering his anxiety. I resent that now he chimes in and says what a shit job I’ve been doing. We had a big argument where I told him to leave (I didn’t mean it, but what’s done is done), he left to go to his parents. This was as we were to go on holiday in a few days. He hasn’t come on holiday with us, I did ask him to come along and we could put it on ice until we got back, but he refused. Said the space would do us good. He feels he has no agency in his own home and wants to address that before any reconciliation, but feels miserable on his own. I’m pissed off he doesn’t appreciate that for a good few years I’ve shouldered a lot of responsibility, when he hasn’t been well I’ve picked up whatever he couldn’t do. He gives me zero credit for that.
He also feels that the older DCs don’t respect him as a parental figure. I put it down to he was out of commission for prolonged periods when he was unwell so the default parenting fell to me. He also can be very black and white in his approach to things. Overall, they’re well behaved, nothing out of the ordinary, I felt he was being over sensitive as a step parent is always going to have a different type of relationship. Older DS has been more surly around DH but we’d put it down to awkward teen years.
We’ve had several arguments recently but this one has been the worst. I’m not sure what is the best way forward and it’s been complicated further by my DM and her input. I’ll do a second post because it’s too much otherwise.
I’m annoyed that he’s left me to sort the holiday on my own, hurt he didn’t want to try to talk it through sooner.