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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me carve out my own life

20 replies

Nools24 · 18/07/2024 17:59

I’m married a very long time. I’m in my 60’s. I’ve had a severely mentally handicapped child who is now an adult. My husband is a very angry and unreasonable man. I stayed through the years because I didn’t trust Dh on his own with our son who is non verbal and has also got severe autism. When son went into care home I realized Dh would not visit our son but is happy if I take him home only on e a month. We broke up and put the house for sale. Both my parents died after a few months and then he got cancer. We took the house off the market (no interest anyway) and just drifted along for the last 7 years.

he still has outbursts over nothing. Blames every mistake he makes on me. Tells me I’m wrong. We have no relationship and he never goes anywhere.

I need to carve out a life for myself now that I’ve left work. Can people here help me to do that please

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/07/2024 18:12

If I were you I'd start with some wellbeing, eat well, excercise, perhaps join a walking group or yoga. This is important because you need to be at your physical and emotional best to start your new life. After that I'd start introducing some mental stimulation and fun and entertainment. Go out to events and places you enjoy, try a new thing every month to see if you like it. Try and develop friendships. As you do this, leave your H mentally and emotionally. Treat him as a house mate. Polite but superficial. Engage as little as possible, be out or in another room as much as you can. Minimise his importance in your life and live around him. In time if/when you take the plunge and leave him physically you'll have done a lot of the groundwork. Good luck! You have it all to play for.

user1471538283 · 18/07/2024 18:17

Oh this sounds awful. You could do incredible things without him! You and your life is worth so much more!

I'd get the house up for sale right now and start decluttering and removing myself emotionally from him. Get some time with a solicitor to see where you and your son stands financially.

Nools24 · 18/07/2024 18:46

user1471538283 · 18/07/2024 18:17

Oh this sounds awful. You could do incredible things without him! You and your life is worth so much more!

I'd get the house up for sale right now and start decluttering and removing myself emotionally from him. Get some time with a solicitor to see where you and your son stands financially.

I’m a coward. The thoughts of that is huge for me. That’s why I thought I’d carve out a life for myself first.

OP posts:
Nools24 · 18/07/2024 18:46

5128gap · 18/07/2024 18:12

If I were you I'd start with some wellbeing, eat well, excercise, perhaps join a walking group or yoga. This is important because you need to be at your physical and emotional best to start your new life. After that I'd start introducing some mental stimulation and fun and entertainment. Go out to events and places you enjoy, try a new thing every month to see if you like it. Try and develop friendships. As you do this, leave your H mentally and emotionally. Treat him as a house mate. Polite but superficial. Engage as little as possible, be out or in another room as much as you can. Minimise his importance in your life and live around him. In time if/when you take the plunge and leave him physically you'll have done a lot of the groundwork. Good luck! You have it all to play for.

Thank you. This is what I’m looking for, just till I get strong

OP posts:
stayathomer · 18/07/2024 18:51

I always think the best place to start to get ‘you’ back is listening to your old favourite music, reading a newspaper/ magazine/ book, getting out for a walk or a swim, treating yourself in the supermarket to a dessert you’d never buy. The tiny fab things that you let slip when you’re on edge/ busy/wrecked with life

cupcaske123 · 18/07/2024 18:52

Perhaps a volunteer job, yoga or some kind of exercise, a walking group, book club, a local society, film club, cooking class, new language, drawing - try meetup.com for stuff going on in your local area.

If you want to go travelling there are group tours and trips for singles. I recommend counselling to discuss your feelings and to help rebuild your self esteem.

Look up 'grey rock' on how to deal with him. Perhaps a book on assertiveness would also help.

perfectcolourfound · 18/07/2024 18:55

That's a good way of looking at it. Start doing things for yourself, build yourself up, and you'll become stronger (and maybe make some new friends and contacts) such that leaving doesn't feel like as big a deal as it does right now. In the meantime, you'll have built up a life and interests that will mean your life after divorce will be great - and much less scary to imagine.

When I realised I had to leave my DH, it gave me strength just to know in my own head that I was going to do it. It was my own secret for a while. I was able to make small plans, and celebrate small victories on the way, and to celebrate milestones (this time next year I'll be single...).

By biting this off in small chunks, they each feel more managable and therefore achievable, and also the milestones come along more often, which in itself helps to show you're making progress.

One of the first things I did was to see a solicitor. Just to see what I'd need to do when I'd finally decided to take the plunge, what information I'd need in order to start divorce proceedings, and roughly where I'd stand financially. I didn't then do anything with that information for a few months, but just knowing it felt like I was closer to doing it, plus it meant I could start to picture what the process would look like, which in turn dimished its scariness in my head. And when the day finally came that I could stand it no longer, I was prepared. I knew exactly what I needed to do.

You can do this. You deserve a happy life and it will come, just as soon as you're ready.

SallySunrise · 18/07/2024 18:55

What did you used to enjoy? Before marriage and children. What made you happy?

SallySunrise · 18/07/2024 18:56

I feel like i phrased that wrong, not that children won't have made you happy. We lose ourselves a bit though, with the responsibilities that come with parenting. Especially with a disabled child.

PashaMinaMio · 18/07/2024 19:03

Do everything quietly and systematically. Keep cards close to your chest;

See a solicitor first. Most offer a minimum of 30 mins advice free of charge. Sometimes it’s in a lunch hour or after business hours. Ring around a few. I saw 3 and went with the one I liked best.

Don’t use your legal adviser as a counsellor. Keep to the facts. Every minute spent with her/him is £££!

Start de cluttering. Subtly pass items to charity. There is no rush. Will I need it? Do I love it? Get rid.

After legal advice, put house on market, gather as much financial info together as possible. Get copies made. Store elsewhere if you can.

This is a journey you need to start with small steps. It will build your confidence because it’s a steep learning curve. It’s like gathering ingredients together to make a cake! The outcome is powerful.

You’ve waited a long time so take it easy, then, ta da, zap him with it!

Good luck OP. Just think with luck, preparation and a following wind, you’ll have a better life next year this time. Embrace the challenge. Many of us have in later life. You go girl!

Nools24 · 18/07/2024 19:09

SallySunrise · 18/07/2024 18:55

What did you used to enjoy? Before marriage and children. What made you happy?

I enjoyed traveling and eating out. I was very sociable. These days I am quieter. I like crochet, reading, movies, walking, beaches.

OP posts:
parietal · 18/07/2024 20:23

See if you can find a group to join - a walking group or crochet group. Anything that gives you contact with other people will give you strength and support.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 18/07/2024 20:40

5128gap · 18/07/2024 18:12

If I were you I'd start with some wellbeing, eat well, excercise, perhaps join a walking group or yoga. This is important because you need to be at your physical and emotional best to start your new life. After that I'd start introducing some mental stimulation and fun and entertainment. Go out to events and places you enjoy, try a new thing every month to see if you like it. Try and develop friendships. As you do this, leave your H mentally and emotionally. Treat him as a house mate. Polite but superficial. Engage as little as possible, be out or in another room as much as you can. Minimise his importance in your life and live around him. In time if/when you take the plunge and leave him physically you'll have done a lot of the groundwork. Good luck! You have it all to play for.

This is lovely advice. Good luck OP

user1471538283 · 19/07/2024 12:34

You are not a coward, you sound ground down by it all.

Pick up your life and find things you enjoy. When you are stronger you can do the rest.

It might be good to still declutter though. Just keeping what you want for your new life when that happens!

jay55 · 19/07/2024 15:56

If you have a library pop down for a few hours in the day, see if they have any groups.
Might not be so good now it's school hols but it's an easy place to escape the house and clear your head, while you sort out your next move.

NoraLuka · 19/07/2024 16:07

Look up events/groups/clubs in your area and try stuff, even (especially) if it’s not something you’d ever thought of doing before. Facebook groups and local newspapers are good for finding things to do like concerts, sports, craft groups, charities looking for volunteers, etc. That will shake your life up without needing to go very far or spend too much and will help if you feel a bit stuck in a rut. The more you do, the easier it gets to just get up and do things.

Then at the same time think about what you’ve always wanted to do. If that’s travel, plan how to make that happen so you have something to look forward to.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/07/2024 16:24

Could I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.

OriginalUsername2 · 19/07/2024 16:30

I don’t believe it can be done living with such a man. Get yourself out and life will begin immediately. Your very own life where you can relax in your own home. No-one causing an horrible atmosphere. You’ll feel such a weight off your shoulders.

Cantabulous · 19/07/2024 16:43

The first poster nailed it, except I would add in making absolutely sure you know where you are financially right now, then start picturing where you want to be when you’ve got rid of him. Then you can start thinking how to get from A to B (a solicitor will help tremendously with that).

It’s exciting OP!!

JamSandle · 19/07/2024 16:48

Nools24 · 18/07/2024 18:46

I’m a coward. The thoughts of that is huge for me. That’s why I thought I’d carve out a life for myself first.

You aren't a coward at all. You sound very strong.

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