How to stop having feelings for abusive ex

[gettingbacktobeingmeagain]

We've been apart for nearly three years, I have to see him because of the DC. I grey rock most of the time, but just occasionally I forget (because I'm a normal nice person) and slip into chat about the DC...and then he's the lovely man he was some of the time, and I have to fight so hard not to fall straight back in.

I'm not going back to him, not ever, and DC are just starting to get settled after a lot of upset...but I hate that I still have feelings for him. I make myself list all the nasty things he did, the lies, the bullying, the financial abuse, the gaslighting, the coercion, the sex pestering...all of it. And I succeed in staying away...but that feeling of what we once had (or at least what I thought we had) is still there. Will it ever go away completely or do I just have to keep ignoring it?

I can't offer any advice, OP, but i wish you all the best.

If it's any consolation, I think this is normal. Abusive men only get to be abusive because the good times are good enough that you put up wit ha great deal and you spend a lot of the time desperately hoping the good person will be back.

I think that we are drawn to people for a reason. Sometimes we don't really consciously think about that reason.
But if a man is vivacious and you admire that because it contrasts to your shy side (for example)...

or he is big and strong and that speaks to a vulnerable side that wants protection...

Or he is calm and that balances out your loud party animal side...

Etc etc you get the idea... So I think that the magnetism still has power while those aspects of yourself to which he speaks, remain an unmet need...
So if you can figure out what that is, you can fulfill yourself some other way and that reduces the pull.

As @ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews says: first off, all the best.

"How to..." - IMO, by getting another life.
I assume those three years have been hard. How much opportunity do you have to socialise? Build new friendships? Get under someone else and over him as they say? (the latter's not compulsory, but... among ways to turn this around)

Check this story: https://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/rat-park
The science there is simplified somewhat, but: what would make you see the world as your park?

Have you had any therapy or done the Freedom Programme? Do you think you're trauma bonded to him? There could be a kind of addiction to the rollercoaster of the abusive relationship and life may feel a bit flat without it. It's worth exploring.

Write yourself an ick list.

What did he do to you? Write it down. All of it.

Read it every time you feel sad and miss him.

Thank you for that wish, and it is a consolation that this is normal, thank you, as I have been giving myself a hard time for not being further away from him emotionally. And yes the desire for protection (I am a strong independent woman, but sometimes it would be nice for someone to look after me for a change...).

I have wondered about trauma bonding, but actually it's good to be away from the chaos (therapy and Freedom Programme both done), it's the companionship I am missing I think, so I definitely need a new life - I can barely imagine what that might be like, as for the last three years it's all been childcare, work and survival - and there's a long ick list so I'll keep it with me at all times as a sort of talisman.

Thank you everyone, yesterday was a difficult day but today I feel brighter thanks to your support and advice.