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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it over now?

12 replies

Twinboymum2010 · 18/07/2024 14:08

Me and my partner/ex/I don’t even know what we are anymore have hit a bit of an impass. We are both mid thirties, been together over 2 years now. He stated in March he wanted us to live together, so we started looking, getting the ball rolling etc, got all excited etc. that was until last night, I could tell he’s not been right for a few weeks well last night he broke down saying he’s not ready, okay that’s fine? Well then proceeds to say he doesn’t ever want to live with me…
up until now we have been so ridiculously happy, I was 1000% convinced we would be together for the rest of our days. Now he says he wants to go no contact and will come round mine on sunday to tell me what he’s decided. I’m ashamed to say I was pathetic, have been pathetic, I havent stopped crying since. I didn’t sleep last night. I have been in a dire mental state recently and genuinely think this might push me over the edge. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can I save this relationship? I’ve told him I can’t imagine my life without him and that I don’t need to live with him if he doesn’t want that. I’m so so low. I’ve come to work but spent the whole day fighting back the tears. Help me

OP posts:
snowballsintheoven · 18/07/2024 14:08

There's another woman on the scene.

There always is.

StormingNorman · 18/07/2024 14:11

I’m really sorry. I think you need to give him the space he’s asked for. It’s a long few days though for you. Do you have anyone close by who can come over?

roses321 · 18/07/2024 15:17

My opinion - you don't need to fucking deal with this.

He's made his decision already no? He's told you he doesn't ever want to live with you. Ok then, see ya later.

I know it's really hard, and i know you're heartbroken, but how are you going to feel if he comes over and he's like "well i thought about it and maybe i will". It's not going to make you feel any better, you'll worry he could do it again at any moment.

People are sure, or they are not. He's not. Don't hang around giving him a chance to "think about things" and as for going "no contact" - what the fuck? Why? So he can sit in a candle lit room with his hand cradling his chin staring into the flame and considering things? Pah.

It's utterly ridiculous. Tell him to kiss your ass and fuck off.

SummerDayPicnic · 18/07/2024 15:38

as @roses321 said - even if he now changes his mind you will always be worried that he will do it again.

My best mate was due to get married and about a week before the wedding, the groom cleared out his flat and vanished without a word. He even took the light bulbs. She turned up for a night out they arranged to find an empty flat without explanation. She was understandably devastated and his family were shocked and upset.

8 weeks later he reappears and tells her he had a crisis of confidence that he wasn't good enough for her and he would spend the rest of his life proving to her that he was committed. His one goal in life was to make sure she was the happiest woman alive.

For three years he did and they had a lovely wedding (which he paid for as an apology) His wedding speech was wonderful where he referenced his disappearance, sincerely apologised and took responsibility for his actions.

She got unexpectedly pregnant (she had been told that with her endometriosis and removal of a fallopian tube she was unlikely to conceive without assistance) and poof he vanished again. He was gone longer this time and he arrived back during her final month before giving birth.

Yes, she took him back but he did it again after a minor argument a short time later after the baby was born and she divorced him so damn fast.

roses321 · 18/07/2024 15:41

SummerDayPicnic · 18/07/2024 15:38

as @roses321 said - even if he now changes his mind you will always be worried that he will do it again.

My best mate was due to get married and about a week before the wedding, the groom cleared out his flat and vanished without a word. He even took the light bulbs. She turned up for a night out they arranged to find an empty flat without explanation. She was understandably devastated and his family were shocked and upset.

8 weeks later he reappears and tells her he had a crisis of confidence that he wasn't good enough for her and he would spend the rest of his life proving to her that he was committed. His one goal in life was to make sure she was the happiest woman alive.

For three years he did and they had a lovely wedding (which he paid for as an apology) His wedding speech was wonderful where he referenced his disappearance, sincerely apologised and took responsibility for his actions.

She got unexpectedly pregnant (she had been told that with her endometriosis and removal of a fallopian tube she was unlikely to conceive without assistance) and poof he vanished again. He was gone longer this time and he arrived back during her final month before giving birth.

Yes, she took him back but he did it again after a minor argument a short time later after the baby was born and she divorced him so damn fast.

Edited

Yes... a crisis of confidence does tend to drive you to remove the fucking LIGHTBULBS.

If he'd have come back i'd be tempted to say "hey you know what, i've had a LIGHTBULB moment...fuck off please".

Some of these men have more issues than vogue.

SummerDayPicnic · 18/07/2024 15:54

@roses I know, right!

But to be fair to her, he was very very convincing to both her and everyone after. He said the right things, walked the walk and talked the talk. For the next three years he didn't put a step wrong so we all felt like it was just a mistake he made and who doesn't make mistakes right?

The thing is she got a little more up uptight each time he stayed out later than he said he was going to be or wasn't where he said he was going to be. So it obviously played on her mind.

When he left the second time I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. Baby, bills (when he vanished his money did too) and not knowing just made her so stressed I thought she was going to snap.

To this day she blames (jokingly) the amount of stress hormones her daughter was subjected to in the womb caused her to not sleep throughout the whole of her baby years.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/07/2024 15:59

Tell him to fuck off, he’s already broken your trust and broken your heart. The cruelty of needing a few days to decide if you’re worth it or not! What a bastard.

Take your power back and tell him you don’t care what he decides, it’s over for you.

PrincessMee · 18/07/2024 17:20

You're not pathetic. It's natural to feel the way you do. I do suspect he has been thinking about this for a while though and you have to play catch up. Once they start like this it's time to get them the heave!

IShouldNotBeSurprised · 18/07/2024 18:10

It's natural to be upset, but I'd be done. I'd let him know not to bother to contact me on Sunday, his waffling has made MY decision clear.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend break up with me and I made a big fool of myself crying and asking what he needed for it to work. I was blind-sided as I thought things were great and we were looking at a future together. He wasn't interested and a clean break did me a big favor. I met my husband soon after and we've been married 42 years. You want someone who is all in, not who has to be convinced to stay with you or regards you as a backup plan.

LauraKnows · 18/07/2024 20:11

Do either of you have children ?

TamingofShrews · 18/07/2024 20:24

All this talk of lightbulbs reminds me of my ex who took all the Duck toilet discs. He was moving back into his mums 🤷🏻‍♀️

Everyone is right in that even if you get back together you’ll always be waiting for it to happen again. I think when he rocks up, let him know you’ve already decided you’re done.

solice84 · 18/07/2024 20:51

Don't let him make the decision
Take the power back
There will 100% be someone else involved in this and he's making sure she's not going to bale on him before he makes his 'decision '
What an arsehole

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