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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling just stuck and don't know what to do

5 replies

endofmytetherandlost · 18/07/2024 12:13

Anyone else been in this situation? Things haven't been right with my husband and I for a long time. We have tough patches and then things settle down for a while and we're ok for a bit. We are arguing a lot of the time. Any time I raise anything (even just the smallest things that would just require a yeah sure) he always has an answer back for EVERYTHING. He never takes any ownership of his mistakes or apologises for anything. I appreciate I'm not an angel in all this. I'm exhausted all the time and my patience is low. I don't get any break whatsoever, have no help and feel quite isolated. I just can't take it anymore. We have three children (one baby) and I can see it is affecting them which I hate to see and it's that that's breaking me more than anything. I know it would also break my older children's heart to be away from their dad if we did split up. He is great at being the 'fun dad' but I predominantly do all the 'caring' and hard parts of being a parent. If one of them is doing something they shouldn't, he may or may not say something and then just gives up if they don't listen which leaves me to be the one to sort it out/be the parent who guides them through what is/isn't the right thing to do etc. If we didn't have children we would have broken up by now. I just think we are existing and going through the motions. There's no good conversations and he never makes me laugh. It's just not the life I pictured for myself or my children. I just don't know what we'd do. I don't see how I could afford to be on my own and it would break my heart to be away from my children. At the same time I know it is damaging for them to have a poor relationship as a role model. Is there any way back or how do I navigate out? Helpful guidance would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2024 12:31

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You've stated that if you didn't have children we would have broken up by now - it is for them that you should start planning your exit from this marriage with due care and attention. These children cannot and must not be used as some sort of glue to bind you and he together.

I would seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce. Knowledge here is power. He may well start on about him having the kids 50-50 but that is but a starting point after all. He will probably remain as some sort of Disney Dad to his children and see them every other weekend (if he can be bothered) as he is now because you're doing all the difficult scut work associated with raising them. I doubt as well he would ever entertain counselling because he has an answer for everything. You may well want to consider counselling on your own and besides which you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Divorce is not failure, living in such unhappiness is.

endofmytetherandlost · 18/07/2024 13:12

Thank you for your honest and helpful answer. I don't have a clue about getting legal advice and I have no savings to be able to pay for legal fees but I know deep down that I need to find out and begin to plan for it. I just don't know how I'm going to navigate through it with no support. I've already had a pretty awful few years - family illness, bereavement etc. It's going to be just awful to put my children through this but at the same time I know it's awful to stay in the same scenario I am currently in. I want my children to grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm just devastated to be in this position and that a healthy relationship is not what they're seeing right now.

OP posts:
FloydPink · 18/07/2024 13:20

Disagree slightly. A good lesson for the kids is to try to fix a problem before walking away.

relationships drift and get stuck in a rut. You have 3 choices

stay and put up
leave
put effort in to try to work it out

both need to be on board for the last one. Understand what you dislike and love about each other. Do you both want to make a go of it?

my ex wife didn’t give me that option. In some ways I wish she had as it could have worked and could have been the reset we needed.

endofmytetherandlost · 18/07/2024 14:37

@FloydPink I don't know how much of it comes down to circumstances- children with no support/time for us so we've drifted apart or if things have just reached a head. He's not really been there for me when things have been hard which hurt. I'm probably not that easy to live with I admit. After months of broken sleep, no time to myself etc. hormones, being the one to do all the organising and sorting out - I do get annoyed too easily, I know I do. I just don't know how to break out of this viscous circle!

OP posts:
FloydPink · 18/07/2024 14:44

endofmytetherandlost · 18/07/2024 14:37

@FloydPink I don't know how much of it comes down to circumstances- children with no support/time for us so we've drifted apart or if things have just reached a head. He's not really been there for me when things have been hard which hurt. I'm probably not that easy to live with I admit. After months of broken sleep, no time to myself etc. hormones, being the one to do all the organising and sorting out - I do get annoyed too easily, I know I do. I just don't know how to break out of this viscous circle!

Similar to me and ex wife. All of a sudden a small disagreement turns into ww3 and it’s not good.

i would get some quiet time with him. Explain how you feel but you really want to work things out. How does he feel etc. then say there a 3 paths. Current one is. It happy so that’s out. Then either let’s work together or call it a day. What would he like. If both on the same page it could work.

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