What am I doing with my life? WHY?

[Loopylou20230]

Hi,

decided to come on here and broadcast my bad bad decisions :/ I went out with my best friend tonight for drinks and my tolerance must have gone down cos after 5 I was pretty drunk. Definitely on the high end of tipsy. My ex’s best friend was out cos my best friend invited him to drink with us. She usually does this and it normally has no detrimental effect on me- he fancies her so it makes sense and he is a very nice guy. He is good company.

me and my ex were on and off together for years like since 2021 and he never really left me alone. We broke up in November last year over stupid stuff as usual and him acting like a bit of a tw@t.
I started seeing someone else from march and was with him almost 3 months. That relationship ended cos he cheated and all other stuff but it’s not really relevant. Anyways in November through to march when I met the rebound I was most depressed in my life over said ex (call him D). I was extremely suicidal couldn’t function etc basically worst depression ever.

me and my ex had a long history of on and off. A few weeks ago his work colleague invited me on a night out with her and he was there. He was back to his old tricks smirking and winking and being sexual like how he always does after spells of no contact. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Anyways we ended up in bed together after 7 months pretty much of No contact. He fell asleep drunkenly and looking at him I was disgusted and left in the night- I crept out. He texted me next day but then he began ignoring me and I blocked his number. Anyways fast forward to tonight and his friend was mentioning him- I decided to drunkenly call him like twice. No answer. Texted him telling him where I was and to come out. No answer. He replied when I got home saying he had his friend round I played it off and said no worries I’m home now.

i don’t understand this is only since I got drunk. I always make bad choices when I’m drunk and get very silly like when I turned up pi55ed as a parrot at his home early hours of the morning when we were over. When I’m sober I honestly feel I’m over him (he has a woman living at his who is just a friend apparently lol and he’s a saint who doesn’t wanna see her on the street LOL) she’s paying rent as a lodger. I just don’t understand it- I’m over him 99.99999% and love being single and focusing on myself, friends and just having a good time like with family and just life but when I get drunk I always pine for him. A few weeks ago when we saw each other after the longest no contact he was kissing me and saying “I never went on a single date since you and you know we have always been more than friends”.
it tugs on my heart strings as we have so much history and met in my local bar. Every time I go there I just remember all the times with him. It absolutely kills me but only when I’m effed up.

Am I a loser? I know I’m an idiot but why do I do this? He doesn’t surely still want me? Please someone knock some sense into me. I used to think it was funny but it’s actually quite pathetic and sad :/ why does he mess with my mind like this? He will text then ignore me for weeks. 😒
it’s over and I only do this when I’m drunk. I guess I just need advice and someone to say their bit- I know I’m stupid 😂 is anyone else like this??? Idk why he has such a hold over me

He picks you up and drops you because you let him, he knows he can, whenever he likes. Why ?- sex, that simple. How? - by feeding you classic schmultsy BS that you are dim enough to fall for every time.
So that's where he's at, it's for you to work out why you are a doormat and why any man, to you, would be worth considering suicide over? Your MH needs a lot of work.

Simple first step, stop drinking so much. If you are surprised by 5 drinks getting you more than tipsy, you drink too much in general, as you should be feeling it after that much.

Smirking and winking? YABU for being seduced by some slimeball from a Carry On film!

Is this toad the only man you've had sex with? I can't understand why you'd keep falling for his minimum-effort inducements. Sleep with someone else, for god's sake. And then work on your self-esteem, so you know you're worth the best even when drunk.

Sorry but yes I do think you’re treating yourself like a loser. This man has complete control over you. Also 5 drinks is a lot - I’m not surprised you were tipsy and making bad decisions. Not to be horrible but perhaps you need to review your habits

Stop drinking so much!!

In answer to your question, you're drinking your life away, vulnerable when drunk and have such low aelf esteem, you're someone's booty call when you're blotto

Stop drinking

Can you delete his number do you aren’t tempted to contact him? Maybe look for a nice guy to be with so your focus moves elsewhere.

You are not over the relationship drunk or sober.
You are telling him in a loud voice that you are not over him and he is playing along with it and with you.
He is a ex for numerous reasons.
Don't follow and don't get yourself in that spiral of drama and crap, just move on.

IMO you’re not over this man and you’re using drink as an excuse.

He knows when he says jump, you’ll ask how high and run straight into his bed. It’s easy zero effort sex for him - it means nothing.

Delete his number, block him and spend some time being single and sober working on your self respect and boundaries.

Just avoid alcohol - simple! Do you really need other people to tell you this?

And establish standards and boundaries - 'signa et terminos' as the Romans would have said

When you are drunk your brain doesn't work properly, that's why it can be fun, you don't care you look stupid dancing or worry about the overdraft fees as you insist on ordering a round of cocktails. Long term planning/thinking doesn't work when you are drunk.

Simple as that. You get drunk and you're brain can't think properly, only remembers the lovely oxytocin etc etc. and I can only assume winks and smirks become the highest form of flattery🤷

The fact pepe le pew has you non functioning and contemplating suicide is the main issue here. This is not a man who should affect you like this. Your response to the split, as a grown mature women, should be sadness but acceptance that yeah this toxicity is bad for me and also a good bit of "fuck you" anger.

You need to figure this stuff out. How on earth can such an arsehole of a man make you feel so bereft? What is going on? You keep going back to him because............... That's what a good therapist will help you figure out.

I was thinking this, I think if someone smirked and winked at me my vagina would emigrate to Australia.

OP your self esteem is obviously very low, which is rubbish. If I were you I'd stop drinking altogether for a while, block this idiot on EVERYTHING (you shouldn't even know who he's got living in his house, you should be paying him no mind at all), and try and do some work on your self worth. He's messing with your mind and using you like a blow up doll because you're letting him. You need to get yourself to the point where the next time he smirks and winks at you, you can dry heave into the shrubbery like the rest of us would.