Co-parenting with narcissist

[Holibobby]

I have a 9 year old and co-parent with her dad (been separated 5 years). My DD has a best friend and its her birthday and her uncle (my friend) is taking her to Alton Towers as a treat and they want us to come along. We agreed today to go as DD was super excited about it. I've just had a huge text of her dad ranting saying that he is taking her there for her birthday 1 week later. And he wanted it to be really special (even though she's been countless times before) and he said that its going to take the shine off him taking her as he goes one week later.

The problem is as my friend is a male (He's really good family friend who I've known most of my life) - i think thats the issue! The thing is I have taken her to lots of theme parks with my family (one quite recent)and he's never had a problem with it.

The thing I'm worried about the most is my DD (I put up with his control and abusive behaviour for over 10 year). As he said he's asked DD tonight and she doesn't want to go with us now. My DD would literally go theme parks everyday of the week if she could! I can imagine he's said somehting along the lines of 'but daddy wants to make it really special for you - and it's going to ruin it going a week before'. She's really sensitive and I'm so angry that he's putting adult feelings of 'guilt' etc on her. I'm worried she's going to be upset in school tomorrow (as she's with him overnight) and if he's saying hes upset or whatever bullshit its going to play on her mind!

I was going to cancel the trip and just pay my friend the ticket price anyway (as he's paid as his nieces birthday present), but then I thought he controlled me for a decade of my life from the age of 18 why the hell should I cancel something. The funny thing is he has a girlfriend and my DD spends time with them both, does things I don't agree with (paranormal ghost hunts), but he still continues to do these things.

I'm not sure what I want from this post, I'm just concerned about DD. He's so up and down! It was my daughters birthday party last week and he was nice as pie with everyone, but I'm always waiting for his to turn in some way or another.

Does anybody have any advice about co-parenting with a narcissist?

Grey rock anything he says. Google it as there’s great advice that’s better than I can write here.

Just keep communication factual. Take her to Alton Towers. If it’s a day she’s with you, stop telling him in advance your plans - give him the info he needs and nothing more. Respond to comments with things like “noted” or “oh, right” or ignore his comments completely. He has no hold over you or your decision making unless you allow it.

I would say

'Darling I'm really sorry that daddy's made you feel guilty about this. It's not fair for grown ups to make children worry about what they're feeling, grown ups feelings are their own responsibility.

We have agreed to go to Alton towers with uncle x and he's already bought our tickets, we do not change our mind after we have accepted invitations. It would be extremely rude.

Mummy makes the rules on weekends your with me and daddy makes the rules on weekends you're with him. So I've decided we're still going and daddy might be upset with that, but he'll be cross with me, not you. You haven't done anything wrong. You're allowed to enjoy this trip and it won't harm daddy or anyone else if you do.

If you want to save one ride to go on with your daddy only you're of course allowed to do that.'

This takes the pressure off it being her that makes the decision- she won't feel guilty if you've forced her to go, and if she wants something special with her dad she can go in a special ride with 'just him.' Perhaps she can save the expensive gift shops to visit just with him too!

IF you want to respond at all to the dad you could say

'Hi there, sorry but the tickets have already booked. Next time if you have a special plan please give me a heads up as soon as possible in advance and I'll avoid doing the same thing if that's possible. I hope you have a great time and she'll be delighted to go there with you and make great memories with you there.'

^^ this

To your dd I would tell her repeatedly when it fits conversation that she isn't responsible for her parents feelings parents are the ones responsible for the child. Phrases like "it's your decision" etc. I do it with little things like holiday spending money my kid may choose sweets and I will say "I personally would have chosen a toy but it's your decision" or if I give a budget for a new top and she chooses some hideous pink thing I say it's not to my taste but it's your decision. Stuff like that. Then when her evil father plays mind games with her because I've gone grey rock and he can only hurt me via the kids it's not weird for her when I say "don't worry about hurting my feelings or daddy feelings it's your decision what do you want? It's working for us.

Another thing I'm very firm in is "my rules at my house and daddy rules in daddy house". I do also make her aware that if ever mummy or daddy hurts her or makes her very unhappy she should tell the other parent or a teacher etc (i ensure i say mummy too so I don't look like I'm encouraging her to grass her dad up) so she knows if it's safeguarding i will act but minor stuff it's different house different rules. I trot this out to avoid the inevitable childish attempts to manipulate me into allowing stuff I don't agree with but also for things like where her dad won't allow her chewing necklace for anxiety and she gets upset trying not to use it at mine I can firmly say daddy can make the rules at his house but in my house and when you are with me I allow the chewey

Absolutely do not cancel. Or he'll be running rings round you for years!
We let my dh ex wife get away with that and we've only just broken free of it all.

I'd go. Enjoy the day and maybe if some rides have massive queues and the other girl is happy you could say why don't you go on that with daddy next week?

Yes my advice is - tell him nothing.

take your dd on this trip but mention it the night before - he is not in control and it’s non of his business

You cant co parent with a narc. You parallel parent. You do what you need to do on your time. Grey rock is excellent advice. Keep contact to the bare minimum and only what is needed.

When domestic abusers lose their victim they tend to replace them with the eldest/only daughter.

This isn’t about his co-parenting, this is an abusive parenting issue.