Close friend ghosted me

[Usuallywearsdungarees]

First time poster. I have a close friend in the same town who has been a constant in my life for a decade-ish. We have met most weekends for a run, swim or cycle followed by coffees and chats. We’ve been on loads of holidays and cycling adventures together. We laugh a lot. She was there for me through my divorce, selling my home etc. We have children of similar ages who left home at similar times. In short, a great buddy. About four months ago she stopped making arrangements to meet. My texts were answered with one liners, and then not at all. I left it a month, then put a note through her door, saying I hoped everything was alright, that I noticed she wasn’t responding and I was sad about that, but I hoped it wasn’t anything I’ve said or done. No response. I asked a mutual friend to contact her, and that friend reported she responded to them as normal and made an arrangement to meet. So I figure my friend is actually fine, but has just decided to pull back from our friendship, without telling me why. I have wracked my brains and cannot think of anything that might have sparked this, other than I recently met a new boyfriend and have had a very happy six months after a decade or so of being unhappily married or single. I miss my friend. And I feel bewildered and sad. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Did you talk a lot about how great your new boyfriend is, and how happy you are etc, while cancelling meet-ups with her? This sort of thing can be quite painful to someone whose personal life is not so great. Though it certainly doesn't deserve ghosting.

Same happened to me, right down to the 'is recently got into a new relationship' bit.
I'd been actively aware of not letting the new relationship impact on my social life, so I knew it wasn't that. We worked together and she'd let doors close in my face, and other passive aggressive stuff.

If she won't talk to you, there's nothing you can do. I had to look at why I needed an explanation from her in order to feel closure. It turned out, I didn't: she'd hurt me, and I would reject her if she ever tried to return to the friendship, so that was closure enough.

You've been dumped, and it really hurts, but the closure you need is to dump her right back. It's unforgivable, whatever her explanation, isn't it? You could never trust her again.

She feels replaced?
She liked things as they were?
It feels different and she doesn't like it?
She liked you being available?

Whatever it is, after a decade of close friendship she certainly owes you an explanation at least, so I can see why you are hurt.

I would distance myself now, stop trying to contact her and leave her be. She knows where you are. If she is going to be petty and jealous, she is not a real friend in the first place, it was in fact a friendship of convenience. As sad as it is to realise this - you are better off cutting your losses now. She doesn't like the change, and the new happy you, and that is fine.

Ghosting is very cowardly.

Even just a 'I'm really sorry, but I'm in a bad place and I need to step away from our friendship for a while. So sorry'

Would do so much to take away the unknowing and the grief.
When you're committed to a friendship there is loyalty and attention devoted to that person, for them to just step away and leave you holding all that you offer in your hands wondering what to do with it, is so cruel.

A good friend who wasn't a dick would simply talk to you about this, so it's irrelevant, really. People worthy of strong friendships don't ghost, whatever the reason.
Even if OP screwed up, the ghoster has still wrecked the friendship. And if her standards/morals are so wildly different from OP's that OP can't even see what she might have done 'wrong' then the friendship isn't worth resurrecting.

I ghosted someone. Or as I think about it - stepping back from a hurtful, one-sided relationship.
Too many times she let me down.
Final straw..."I'm just so popular, I've been invited to 2 NYE parties, Tis"
My response, "well it's a good job you already accepted my invite, why not pop to them first ?"
Her: awkward silence.
She then forced me to attend her house pre Xmas by getting food in and telling my DC - all whilst I'd been diagnosed with cancer.
Damn right I ghosted her.
Sometimes you need to protect yourself from people. I thought she was my best friend. I was clearly only good for her when the "clique" she wanted to get into wasn't available.
The same clique she slagged off all the time to me...
Anyhoo, thats me, not you.
A common reason for ghosting is regularly making plans that fall through - although usually the other person doesn't notice as they let people down regularly.
Or someone has said that you've said something about them - not much of a friend if they believed it without talking to you.
I guess I'm trying to say, sometimes you are ghosted quite rightly and sometimes not.
My "friend" knew why.

I wouldn't do that. You've already put a note through her door and she hasn't responded. I know it's hurtful but I think you have to take the hint and leave her alone. It could be that she's envious of your new relationship, it could be that there's something going on in her own life. It's sad but it's her choice to not have contact with you if she doesn't want to.

I must admit I wondered if it was like this? I also dropped a friend of 20 years after months of cancelled plans, ‘Oh I want to see that art exhibition with new boyfriend’ etc and general bad friendship in the event of new boyfriend.

Unlike in this case, I did tell my friend how I was feeling. It was only when nothing changed that I dipped out of the friendship.

For what it’s worth, OP, I would try to see your friend. Ask her what’s wrong, in person.

Ghosting is normal, we used to call it getting dumped, and before the days of mobiles and constant access it was easier to just move on.

People always think they want to know why, but if being ghosted hurts your feelings then the truth would probably crush you.

If you didn't deserve it, they've treated you badly so you're better off without them.

If she has other reasons unrelated to you they're hers alone and nobody owes anyone an exit interview.

I've been ghosted by a close friend, so weird, sent her a couple of texts and an email and then I left her in peace. I'll never know why - such is life. I just had to accept it. I knew I'd done nothing to deserve it, so I let it go.

There's absolutely nothing you can do. If she doesn't want to see you, that's it.

Maybe your friend feels used, she was there for you through your divorce, you spent every weekend together, went on holiday together but now you have a new boyfriend and don't need her like you did. Maybe this is a you problem.

@Usuallywearsdungarees

Even if you didn't 'need her like you did', the onus is on the person who is upset to communicate that they're upset. Perhaps you weren't perfect in the friendship, and that's fine; none of us are perfect. It's not a 'you problem' that your friend decided to ghost you. That's her means of communicating to you, and it's not clear or healthy.

Take no notice of anybody who tells you that being ghosted is on you. You didn't choose it, and you're the only one in the relationship trying to fix it. Even if you hurt your friend, the ghosting is all on her.

Ghosting is normal, we used to call it getting dumped, and before the days of mobiles and constant access it was easier to just move on

Ghosting is only normal like any other unhealthy relationship behaviour is normal: there's a lot of it about, and it hurts like hell. It's completely irrelevant what it used to be called or how we used to deal with it.

Thank you. I've been ghosted by someone I regarded as a really close friend and I really had no idea why - she did tell me during one very curt phone call that I 'knew what I had done'...no, I really did not!

But then I read your last lines and had a revelation - she had done this before to others! I'd completely forgotten her dropping others as soon as they moved out of her orbit, and I now think that this is what has happened to me and I feel a lot better - so thank you!

she did tell me during one very curt phone call that I 'knew what I had done

God, what a weak stance to take. To have the opportunity to actually voice your emotions, and to use a passive aggressive retort like this that not only doesn't address the issue, but also insinuates that if you don't know something SO obvious, you're somehow lacking even further.

It really compounds where the poor relationship behaviours came from, @Vroomfondleswaistcoat . I would imagine that on that call you simply wanted to get the issue out into the open so the two of you could talk it through.

She must be somehow feeling sidelined by your relationship? Could it be she knows your boyfriend from a long time ago and doesn't like him? It seems bizarre and rude to just totally blank you though.
You've done your best. Who I thought was my best friend has ghosted me. She's ignored my messages now for more than a year. I've simply no idea why and I miss her terribly. It happened to me before, a friend of ten years just ceased communication. It is really sad, but it's not your fault.

Ask the mutual friend to speak to her to find out what is going on.

My friend of nearly 30 years ghosted me but not completely. Just avoiding me in person not messaging unless I do so first then not her usual chatty self but still on FB etc. I know it's because of her boyfriend who she took back after he cheated. What I don't know is if it was her choice to drop me or he's isolating her now (I'm not the only friend she's done this to). If I knew for sure it was her choice I could begin to process it and move on but what if he's abusive? It sucks.

Why didn't your mutual friend ask if everything was OK?

Nothing whatsoever unhealthy about dumping someone creepy or clingy via ghosting.

Sometimes ghosting is perfectly fine, and it's not up to you to decide.

The more someone kicks off about being ghosted the more they show why they were.

There's no more to say and you're about to get hysterical and really offensive, so I won't check your replies.

Goodbye.

Bye, HonestyISkind.

Sounds like your friendship was quite intense and she didn't like being number 2 on your priority list. She's probably found someone else to take your place.

Even if you got an answer from her, it's unlikely to be the truth.

Yes ghosting not nice. Not much you can do really. Maybe jealousy. Hard to know.

I was ghosted by a friend who I lent money to. I realised he just didn't want to pay me back anymore (he had a bit).

Well, I don't like dishonest people so I'm glad he's out of my life really.....

The same thing happened to me. She dropped contact after I got engaged. We had been good friends for 15 years! I never found out what happened but had to accept she might have been going through some personal stuff. I ended up blocking her number after a year. Waiting to see if she would message on special occasions had become a bit too painful.

I had a best friend do this to me. She had a baby from a very unhappy relationship, I then had a baby a few months later and she just stopped talking to me and didn't invite me to anything she planned . Eventually got back speaking a few years later and she told me she couldn't deal with me being in a happy loving relationship and her being a single mother . Needless to say she did the same thing again a few years later . I'm well rid