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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Close friend ghosted me

62 replies

Usuallywearsdungarees · 17/07/2024 18:36

First time poster. I have a close friend in the same town who has been a constant in my life for a decade-ish. We have met most weekends for a run, swim or cycle followed by coffees and chats. We’ve been on loads of holidays and cycling adventures together. We laugh a lot. She was there for me through my divorce, selling my home etc. We have children of similar ages who left home at similar times. In short, a great buddy. About four months ago she stopped making arrangements to meet. My texts were answered with one liners, and then not at all. I left it a month, then put a note through her door, saying I hoped everything was alright, that I noticed she wasn’t responding and I was sad about that, but I hoped it wasn’t anything I’ve said or done. No response. I asked a mutual friend to contact her, and that friend reported she responded to them as normal and made an arrangement to meet. So I figure my friend is actually fine, but has just decided to pull back from our friendship, without telling me why. I have wracked my brains and cannot think of anything that might have sparked this, other than I recently met a new boyfriend and have had a very happy six months after a decade or so of being unhappily married or single. I miss my friend. And I feel bewildered and sad. Does anyone have any advice for me?

OP posts:
FuzzyStripes · 17/07/2024 18:39

I’m sorry. Being ghosted can be so cruel. It’s not the thing that a true friend does so perhaps your version of your friendship just isn’t how she has seen things.

I think you just have to accept her decision but I would be cautious if she tries to make a come back because I don't see how you can overcome something like this. After all, if your theory is right it suggests she doesn’t like you to be happy or to share you with someone else. That’s also not the reaction of a true friend.

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/07/2024 19:11

Much the same has just happened to me, except I'm now single having recently split op with exDP. I'm confused and bewildered too.

WonderingWanda · 17/07/2024 19:15

Has she met your new boyfriend? Is it something to do with him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2024 19:17

How upsetting. It’s got to be your new man given the timing.

Usuallywearsdungarees · 17/07/2024 19:20

No. I tried to arrange a meeting a couple of times, but she was less than enthusiastic, so I let it drop.

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 17/07/2024 19:39

Are you still making time for your friendship?

BarraNayk · 17/07/2024 19:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Usuallywearsdungarees · 17/07/2024 19:51

I know what you’re saying, ruethewhirl, it’s true I have been a bit more busy at weekends, but I also tried to make plans with her. Probably I have been a bit less spontaneous as I have less free time now. But she has a busy family life too.

OP posts:
Usuallywearsdungarees · 17/07/2024 19:56

I feel I need to know, even if just to be able to move on. If you were trying to dial down a friendship and your friend just turned up at your house without messaging first wanting to know why, would you be angry/freaked out about that?

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 18/07/2024 12:24

Usuallywearsdungarees · 17/07/2024 19:51

I know what you’re saying, ruethewhirl, it’s true I have been a bit more busy at weekends, but I also tried to make plans with her. Probably I have been a bit less spontaneous as I have less free time now. But she has a busy family life too.

I think if you have been continuing to make an effort it's quite shitty of her to ghost you tbh. A good friend should understand there has to be some redrawing of the parameters when a previously single friend meets someone, and it shouldn't be a problem provided friendships aren't being totally neglected. If she's feeling a bit sidelined she should have a conversation with you about that imo, ghosting is childish.

Catoo · 18/07/2024 12:43

Have you tried ringing her?

lokomoko · 18/07/2024 12:51

If you have a mutual friend, can you ask her to enquire what is going on?

TemuSpecialBuy · 18/07/2024 13:21

I have been ghosted….
it sucks.

time heals all wounds.

my friend let me buy two expensive tickets to Aladdin which I didn’t even want to see only to announce the day we had agreed on didn’t work.
she just ignored me and I ended up taking my mum. It was truly awful and the jasmine was sooooo nasal.

my ghoster then reappeared with no explanation just a “sup” type text.
my then dickhead boyfriend encouraged me to meet up and give her a chance.

we went for lunch and drinks then to see an American in Paris which was also fucking awful.
i sort of knew I’d never see her again… and didn’t!

it was very very hurtful at the time…
8 years or so later and I’m over it.

Laura if by a small miracle you read this you were a bad friend and you have lame taste in musicals!!! 😅

Mary46 · 18/07/2024 16:27

Its awful op. Ghosting not nice. Im not sure would you send a final text you finding it hurtful and see what she says. I find people desperate lately no return calls or texts. Then I got told on here nobody is obliged to make contact!! Was ghosted before its lousy

Danbury · 18/07/2024 16:32

I would be tempted to try to speak to her directly. I always catastrophise ghosting, usually thinking the person has died! It has never turned out to be the case but you never know. I think ghosting is rude and completely unnecessary. A simple, 'I do not want to see you again' would suffice.

smallmountainbear · 18/07/2024 17:09

I was once kicked out of a friendship group I had been in for a couple of years. I have absolutely no idea why. One of them would still meet me occasionally, out of pity I think, but I let that tail off as the unspoken elephant in the room was horribly awkward for both of us.

I decided not to ask her what had happened as there was no explanation that would have made me feel better or made a difference.

I realise the situation is worse for you but at the end of the day, she's made her decision and clearly does not want to communicate this. You need to put it down to a 'her' thing and not a 'you' thing and move on.

I once heard a programme on radio 4 whose husband ghosted her. Just moved out one day whilst she was out and she never heard from him again. He refused to ever speak to her again or communicate why. She said they had been happy, or she thought they were, right till the end. They'd played a board game together the night before he moved out. Its a horrible thing to do to someone. But it happens.

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 18/07/2024 17:13

I’m mortified to say I have ghosted friends.
it’s my mental health that cannot cope with friendships. I feel a burden and a strain on people. So it’s better for me to disappear.
they are genuinely lovely people. I just can’t do friendship anymore.

im sorry you’ve been on the receiving end, it’s more them than you.

WLGYLMLAAG · 18/07/2024 17:27

Usuallywearsdungarees · 17/07/2024 19:56

I feel I need to know, even if just to be able to move on. If you were trying to dial down a friendship and your friend just turned up at your house without messaging first wanting to know why, would you be angry/freaked out about that?

I don’t think I would just turn up in your shoes. If she’s ghosting you, there is a high chance she is telling others why she’s doing it. If you turn up unannounced it could add more fuel to her fire. You say you have put a note through her door and heard nothing from her, I think this is a clear message in itself that she has ended your friendship.
Is there anything about the circumstances you met your boyfriend? Or something about him that stands out (like much younger or much older, very handsome etc) that she might not like or feel jealous about? Have you forgotten an arrangement with her or dropped plans with her in favour of your boyfriend? Is she in a relationship herself? Given the timing I definitely think it’s due to you having a boyfriend for whatever reason.

rainbow126 · 18/07/2024 17:56

Is your friend single? I met someone after being single for years and two (single) friends dropped me shortly after. Some people only feel comfortable being your friend if they think they are better off than you in some way.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 18/07/2024 18:06

I was ghosted by a friend. She invented some reason to ice me out for weeks after 10 years of very close friendship. I remember one thing I did which she had the right to be annoyed about but she went nuclear for reasons known only to herself. A mutual friend asked her several years after what happened between us and she genuinely couldn't remember. She told her it was something to do with an event that happened after the ghosting. That hurt TBH!

Edit my point was it hurt me at the time but she had done it to others before me and in time I realised it was a her problem not a me problem.

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/07/2024 18:17

I ghosted a friend of 20 years; she had been single after a divorce but as soon as she became involved with a new boyfriend she resumed treating me like a low priority. I don't need to be a second class citizen in others' lives.

Emmz1510 · 22/07/2024 07:54

Is she perhaps jealous of your new relationship?
Are you sure you haven’t been neglecting her?
You could ask the mutual friend to talk to her.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 22/07/2024 07:57

TemuSpecialBuy · 18/07/2024 13:21

I have been ghosted….
it sucks.

time heals all wounds.

my friend let me buy two expensive tickets to Aladdin which I didn’t even want to see only to announce the day we had agreed on didn’t work.
she just ignored me and I ended up taking my mum. It was truly awful and the jasmine was sooooo nasal.

my ghoster then reappeared with no explanation just a “sup” type text.
my then dickhead boyfriend encouraged me to meet up and give her a chance.

we went for lunch and drinks then to see an American in Paris which was also fucking awful.
i sort of knew I’d never see her again… and didn’t!

it was very very hurtful at the time…
8 years or so later and I’m over it.

Laura if by a small miracle you read this you were a bad friend and you have lame taste in musicals!!! 😅

Edited

😆

NarnianQueen · 22/07/2024 08:00

I recently met a new boyfriend and have had a very happy six months after a decade or so of being unhappily married or single.

I tried to arrange a meeting a couple of times, but she was less than enthusiastic, so I let it drop.

I think you have your answer. She liked you unhappy.