How would deal with this (dh)

[Twotimeslime]

Sensitive in that dh lost his df (quite elderly) who was his dm carer (dementia) so I have been in the background to the situation in that dh does his night with her every second or third day

sister in law (via marriage) lives near as does his brother (brother farms and is to ‘busy’)

but dh comes home to eat dinner, messes about with his bike and I hardly see him (still has all his hobbies) and comes back at 10.30 and on Fridays goes from 4pm until late (that used to be the only evening we did something but I respect he wants to be in his parents home rather than with me)

so now I resent making him dinner just to get a few breadcrumbs of company at 10.30 as he falls to sleep and leaves after six so he can cycle to work

but I have to tread carefully - he is now not taking to sil as she said she is doing too much for their mother and they all bitch she only cooks eggs for her but he only gives her tea and a bun. I’m not probably going to say anything but next weekend he’s taking our ds camping and doing a cycle this Saturday

there’s never anything for me 😭

I want to leave but I don’t want to mess our children’s lives up for something that seems so selfish. I went to bed early last night to avoid him and I don’t really want to be around him anymore. 15 years of marriage and it’s all about him

Well if you're not going to leave or speak to him I'm not sure what other advice you want? Short of accepting this is how it is now and go and carve your own life out in your free time, there's not much else to it!

I think I’m going to just have to make my own life until kids get older (I can’t do anything as he is still grieving but there were problems before in that he’s quiet and reserved and all about work, but most of the time we get on good) it’s just the lack of thought for me or romance if you want to call it that

This isn't making a lot of sense OP. Where is he on the days he's not at his mother's? He's not there every day, but leaves at 6 and is back at 10:30 every night.

If he's doing 'hobbies' every night then he's not having much contact at all with his children. Then on Friday he's with his mum for six or seven hours.

Has he always been incredibly self absorbed? He seems to have completely forgotten that he has a family. Have you spoken to him about this at all and tried to carve out some family time and one to one time with him?

That does sound difficult for you. Though is he being totally selfish, if he's giving up a lot of time to spend with his mother who has dementia and needs support? I think your only option is to speak to him. He may not realise how you're feeling or may not see it as a problem himself. You could try to set a night to have a date night once a week and the focus is the two of you instead of his hobbies.

Sorry I see this doesn’t make sense written down. I am a teacher on holidays and the days he is not home he comes in, eats and goes out to do diy or something with the kids

it’s me he doesn’t spend time with not the kids. Last week he did as his dm was away and I enjoyed having him around. I’m not saying for one moment I resent his mother (horrible disease) but when we first married he stayed with his parents a lot of the weekend until I nearly left him and now it’s like he’s all about his original family than being married to me. Sorry

when he comes back he talks a lot about his own family and problems and issues. Lot of legal stuff and that sort of thing. There is no fun for me anymore but I know this is real life is suppose

This situation is very difficult for all involved.

When my fil died me and dh were going through a difficult time but I felt unable to address it due to his grief. So I do see where you are coming from.

Your dh wants to look after his mum and that is understandable. He must be exhausted doing that and working and I can see how that leaves you and dc alone and resentful.

Part of me wants to assume that things have not been great between you before this because jumping straight to divorce seems extreme given his df has only just passed away and if things were good between you I feel you would find this period easier to accept.

Another assumption but how is your relationship with your own parents? I only ask because if it came to their care how would your dh and you deal with that. Is it perhaps that your relationship with your own parents is not what you hoped and so part of your feelings are that of being left out or not quite understanding dh need to give so much to his mum?

It's worth you exploring your feelings a bit more before making any decisions. Ultimately you can leave your dh whenever you want for whatever reason you want and if you are seriously unhappy life is too short but if you are normally ok and a good team it's worth considering counselling. Your dc will adapt whatever you do. Plenty of parents separate and dc are not destroyed.

In the immediate can you and dh look at care for his mum to reduce the burden on him. Even if carers could come in a few times a week to cook and put mil to bed? That would free up some time. I don't know what finances are involved so you would need to get advise on this.

How recently did his dad die - is he still in first throws of grief?

And how old is his mum? Is this situation with having to sleep over possibly to continue for another 15 years, or is there any plan in place? Live in care, either full time or part time? Nursing home? Her moving in either to your house or SILs, or splitting time between both?

Does he talk to his children? Do you talk when you get into bed at night?

I’m not sure why you’re so reluctant to talk to him. Has this been going on for years and you’re at breaking point, or do you generally not communicate?

He's taking you for granted. You need to sit down with him and go through your calendar and carve out some time for just the two of you. He surely doesn't need to be with his mum for seven hours in a Friday so maybe he can come back a bit earlier and spend time with you.

What happens at weekends? Family time together is better than nothing and you have at least one evening free if he's not at his mother's then. His hobbies will just have to be less of a priority.

You seem a bit lost in all this. Do you work? Have hobbies? Meet friends? Exercise? It might be an idea to become more self absorbed yourself.

She was in a home and they took her out even though some of the family live two hours away (but they do a Saturday night )

funny you brought up my parents - we are estranged for complex reasons (mothers mental health and other things) so I do think my hurt is bigger.

I have a great career, one brilliant friend and I do have a hobby and dh has no issue with that. Plus I like doing gardening and stuff I can do if he’s with his mum

he has shut me down very quickly and he has changed a lot (it’s six months since this happened his df was 87)

He told me this will completely change him. They didn’t eat for two weeks as they knew he would not live, they are angry with the hospital (the man was very frail and it wasn’t a surprise to me) but they were inconsolable so I have to be compassionate to how much regard and that they had for him.

Update

thank you all for responses (appreciate it)
i spoke to dh (he knew something was wrong)

I was very open about how I feel and I do feel emotional and sad still about it all but he has massively stepped up, took half a day from work and we went out as a family. I feel I had to get so upset to get my message across and I put in on the line that I can carve out a life for myself if need be - I know he was shocked but he understood (his brother wife left and I know he grew up in a home where his mother did what was expected and so does his sister but times have changed)

Sorry just want to get it all out

we dated years ago when in our 20s and he doesn’t take alcohol and was only really into sport and his job back then and I ended it. But he’s a very decent man - just very ‘proper’ for want of a better word and he had got emersed in his own family rather than our relationship. It’s never going to be perfect, nothing is but now I’ve let him know I won’t be automatically here forever without effort. I do feel very sad though - like a light has gone out but we’ve 15 years together and a perfect house, careers, kids so do I need romance ???

I know he is hurt now too as he asked me did I love him , I said I did but I don’t feel any real joy with the relationship when I sit on my own or have nothing to look forward too. He jokingly said ‘ah you know what I’m like’ I said his behaviour was rude - eating then going straight outside and then to his home house and only getting in at 10.30 but I said we’ve young kids I will make it work. I suppose i should have said I love you I want to make it work 😭

Two separate issues here

He has to look after his parent thats just life

The hobbies. So you eat together then he does DIY (for the household) or does something with the kids

What would you prefer? He ignored the hobs that need doing , ignore the kids?

Sit down with you ignoring everything else and watch Coronation Street?

Sorry. You sound rather exhausting he sounds like a good dad and husband

What you are missing is some attention which is easily lost in a busy household.

Plan some together time. Weekend away without the kids,
Romantic meal for 2
Etc
You need good babysitters

we don’t usually sit down until 9 which I was happy about and it’s normal

maybe I am exhausting

but I don’t know too many women who don’t see their husbands until 10.30 at night and they fall asleep and that’s that .. when the weekend comes no fun either .. for six months

I don’t watch tv and hate coronation street

Not the point OP. It’s an example/starting point to jump off.

You've spoken to him but what's the plan going forward? How are things going to change?

With all due respect it doesn't seem like he wants to be around you either. You would both be happier to separate.

I think we are two very different people but compatible in some ways

I don’t know what will happen - I have told him now how I feel and see what happens

if I am exhausting because of one conversation after six months of supporting him I’ll take that. Marriage shouldn’t all be one sided.