Does your partner ever get things wrong about you

[Goingbacktothemoors]

If you've been in a relationship for a long time, does your partner ever get things wrong about you? I've been married 30 years and in the last couple of years DH has said a few things which are wrong. The most recent example is he was planning an order for a takeaway and he said he would order prawns for me as he said I prefer that to chicken. I don't. I tend to avoid prawns unless I've cooked them myself. Another example is he said during a family conversation with others that I used to do the Times crossword. I have never done the Times crossword.
Another example is that he made reference to a conversation we apparently had about sex very early on in our relationship. I cannot remember this conversation at all but because it was so long ago I accept that it may have happened, although it didn't sound like the sort of thing I would have said when I was young.
I've decided to start making a note of every time he gets something wrong about me.

I have a first name I never use, a second name that I've been known as since I was born (thanks, stoopit parents, that hasn't been a problem at all ever... 🙄).

Anyway, he bought airline tickets in my second name only - didn't match my passport - that took some sorting out, I can tell you...

Are you worried about him OP? What are the notes for?

Making notes of them will help me to see how often they occur and if there is anything which might be triggering them or if there is anything in common with them. Having been married for so long this is a new thing which is happening so it is slightly concerning.

They are quite specific things he has got wrong.

My DH jumbles things up sometimes, so it’s something that’s basically happened but with a few tweaks. Like he might say we went somewhere last year, but it was actually a couple of months ago or that something I told him he thinks someone else told him, when he retells it. But he has always done it.

Is it new for him to get things wrong? Do you think he could be unwell or mixing you up with somebody else?

I've just remembered another example while I was typing. He was adamant recently that we went to a particular place years ago but I have never been to this place. I told him I've never been but he was so adamant we did, that I started to question my own memory that time.
I did think afterwards that he might be mis-remembering taking someone else there as we did split up briefly early on, so he could have gone there on our split.
The examples do feel like he's mixing me up, yeah. With someone who eats prawns and who used to do the Times crossword?!

I think we all generally forget more things as we get older, don't we? After all, we have more years' worth of stuff to remember. It's ages since you were 'early in your relationship', and part of what you're saying yourself is that you don't remember it clearly yourself.

If he's routinely putting 2 sugars in your milky tea when you asked for a black coffee without sugar, that's different, but this just sounds like a handful of one-offs. Is he more stressed since it's started happening? That can have a huge impact on recall.

He once told a policeman I had brown eyes..I don’t they are green…

Annoyingly, no. My DH remembers every tiny detail about me. I’d be concerned if he suddenly started getting things like this wrong. Could there be a medical issue? That would be my first thought :(

Occasionally. 18 years together and from time to time brain farts happen. I do the same thing. For some reason the other day I thought his middle name was Nathan. I have no idea why. It's like my brain rebooted mid thought.

Last week he asked me if I wanted a pepperoni pizza, knowing that for our entire marriage I've hated pepperoni. He looked at me like I'd just fallen out of a tree, said "I've definitely just transported to a parallel universe", and then ordered the right pizza.

I don't think it's a big deal if it's not constant. The human brain is a mysterious and sometimes very stupid thing and it will muddle details sometimes. I wouldn't consider it a cause for concern if it's not a daily occurrence.

I wondered if it could be early dementia. There aren't any other signs of it but keeping a note of these things might help further on if it is dementia. He's not forgetful generally. I've just realised that several of the examples relate to a time early on in our relationship.

Agree, my DH can be like this and I’ve noticed stress can play a part.
What is your gut feeling OP? Do you think there’s something wrong with him, as in forgetting things, or do you think he’s doing it on purpose?
Oh and I get the taking notes thing. You can feel like you’re going mad and the notes are something solid to refer back to.

Yes. Last week he has put his ex-wife’s birth date instead of mine on a hotel registration form. He has just given me a mug of white coffee when I drink it black.

I have just asked him what colour my eyes are. He hasn’t a clue.

It’s nothing new.

Thanks @augustusglupe I feel like the note taking will help.
I don't have a gut feeling. There could be something medically wrong but I suppose only time will tell. He's definitely not stressed. Ashamed to say that I did consider the idea he might be doing it on purpose but I can't think of why he would do that so I have rejected that idea. The closest explanation I can get to is that he's remembering another version of me, if that makes sense, maybe an idealised version. Not sure where the prawns come into that!
A further explanation is that he's remembering another person and the compartmentalisation in his brain is starting to break down. Who that person would be I haven't a clue.

Yes! One recent example that comes to mind is when my husband went to buy me a big tub of raisins as a kind gesture. I've hated raisins my entire life, even if I eat something chocolate chip I scrutinise it to make sure it couldn't be a raisin, at buffets I get somebody else to try first to ensure it's definitely not a raisin. I hate raisins and my husband was like "What, you love raisins". Baffling, he's 27 so can't be dementia yet.

DH and I do occasionally think that we have done things/ been somewhere together, but was actually with a previous relationship. It's almost as if we slotted each other into our entire lives.

I have a friend who I remember lived in Camden. I remember the front door. The walk from the station. Everything. He never lived in Camden. It's a joke between us because I remember it vividly and I've clearly put his face on that property and deleted the other memory, they have fully merged.
I'm pretty young but it does happen.
Maybe it's happening to him, the convo, the trip etc you've been together so long it's just merged and it's become a memory (however wrong).
The prawn thing, I think is just couple stuff...does he like prawns? Or like because you like them at home surely that means you like them? ... I don't think that's as deep unless he's suddenly convinced they are your favorite and you always eat them etc.
Keep a log, but try and not over worry 🙂

My husband asked me about the time we went to Bournemouth on the train, and I said he must be remembering when he went there with an earlier girlfriend, he disagreed, and I got quite pissy about it, I'm afraid. He went quiet and said no more about it. About a month later I was going through some packets of photos, and guess what I found pictures of? Yup, the time we went to Bournemouth on the train.

This sounds like long term memory problems rather than short term, isn’t that generally the first to degrade with dementia? I know it was that way with my mil- she could remember her first car but not where she put her purse half an hour ago, that kind of thing. I could be wrong though so definitely keep an eye on this. The mistakes do seem oddly specific like why would he think you would want prawns when you’ve been clear on your preference in that regard? Are you sure you have? Sometimes we think other people know things about us but we haven’t actually made it as explicit as we think. Or could it be that he is actually not that great at listening.
My mum regularly forgets that I don’t like eggs and my sister doesn’t like icecream. She gets our preferences mixed up sometimes but she always has, I thinks it’s fairly normal?
My husband doesn’t forget things about me as such, but there are one or two things about me he disregards that I feel he should be more mindful of. I can’t stand being teased, i think it’s mean and I hate not being able to read whether someone is being funny or passive aggressive. I’ve told him this countless times and when he teases me he gets a straight face every time. I promise I’m not devoid of humour, it just makes me anxious to be the subject of it and I wish he’d be more considerate.

No he doesn’t really. But he did tell mutual friends a story last night about a time we visited a posh restaurant in London - gave so much detail. What it was called etc. I can’t remember at all. So I don’t know if I’ve forgotten entirely or it wasn’t me he went with.
My dad has spelt my mums name differently to her for 40 years… with a y instead of an ie.

sometimes men can just be a bit oblivious

Oh yes. Got a book one Christmas that we had discussed in some detail having both read. Been together for decades but he doesn’t retain knowledge of a food that everyone I’ve ever met, even work colleagues, knows I cannot stomach. The level of disinterest and self absorption it takes for him not to retain this stuff is mind blowing. I could name all his extended family. He could name my parents and sibling, and nephews and that’s it.

@Emmz1510 If the teasing feels mean it generally means it is mean. People dress it up as having a GSOH if you can take teasing but the same people that dish it out can never take it, have you noticed?!

I've been with my chap for over five years. We don't live together. He holds some really random and incorrect 'beliefs' I suppose you'd call them, about me. Despite evidence to the contrary. One is that I kill every plant I own. I have a small but thriving garden, which he sees every time he comes to my house. The other is that I not only 'never cook', but that I can't cook at all. Despite the fact that he eats food I've cooked, and I have a freezer full of batch cooking. It's really bizarre and it's started to piss me off to be honest. He's started to tell other people these 'facts' now.

Not quite the same, I know OP.

I've been known by my middle name since birth and I have had this too. I agree that it's infuriating and at least my parents have since admitted that using my middle name wasn't the wisest decision. I've had a lifetime of having to explain it and whenever I hear anyone else saying that they want to do this to their new baby I really want to scream "NOOOOO! DON'T!"

DH also got my name wrong on airline tickets once and we had to pay an admin fee to change it so that it would tally with my passport. We have to double and triple check this now every time one of us books something like that. To be fair, I could hardly blame DH for what he'd done there. These muddles were caused by the decision of my parents when I was born, although they wouldn't have appreciated the extent of it at the time and wouldn't have intended it to cause any problems.

He gets things like my date of birth muddled (always has) and those of the DDs. Even got his own wrong once (also on a holiday booking). 🙄We're both getting more forgetful as we get older but with him it seems particularly pronounced and worries me slightly.

Do you think your husband may have memory issues/the start of dementia? Making notes would be helpful if so. Equally it may of course be you having memory issues!

Do monitor and raise any concerns with your GP. You may need to gently play this back to your DH and see if a visit to a memory clinic might be helpful to allay any concerns.

I think you may be right, in that he's remembering instances from someone he was seeing when you split and it's all been attributed to you. It probably is age related, somehow long ago memories do come to the front as we age. Being unable to tell the difference an more of what he did with who, I suppose you could say means the other person has been lost to the background somewhat, which may be just as well from your perspective.
Might be wise to keep an eye on it and see if other things creep in. How old is he? It could be expected for age, but if he's still in his 50's it might be the start of something, although extra life stressor could cause memory lapses too. So if something stressful is going on in his life presently, it may be that.