Struggling with the break up

[Oli22]

Hi. So me and my ex were together for a year. He was the kindest man I have ever been with, treated me the best way, made me feel like I’m the only girl in the world etc. Whilst being together I feel things were wanted very quickly for him, he asked me to be with him quickly, said he loved me quickly, wanted our children to meet quickly, but I had a boundary of him meeting my children for a year as I had previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I wanted to make sure that we knew each other properly before I did that. The year came. He met my children a few times. He had some insecurities surrounding my children’s father, and would voice them even after the day of my grandmas funeral he told me “I was waiting for you as you said you wouldn’t be to long. I didn’t have my tea or have a shower. (This was the day of my grandmas funeral. But I kept telling him as I was staying a little longer to be with my family). Basically he admitted he was feeling a bit rubbish that my children’s dad was there, as he has a relationship with my grandma.) it hurt a lot and I do feel that my walls went up, he knew how sad I was about my grandma and I felt he made the day about him). But I carried on and kept on trying. We were happy majority of the time and have a lot of lovely memories together. It was very I felt one rule for me and my children’s dad and one for his and his ex as he then went on family days out with his ex and children. He didn’t like that I rang my ex for something to do with my children whilst we was eating at one point.

We have ended. And since ending he has made me feel like he gave everything to me and I gave nothing back to him, he told me in the relationship I was kindest person in the world, I’m amazing and perfect and he loves me so much. Now he’s made me feel like I’m a bad person and I think because of the boundary I had for the year that I didn’t love him enough and honestly that wasn’t that case. I’m now questioning the boundary I had in place and it’s making me feel really down. I genuinely did that as a protection the my children to ensure that history didn’t repeat itself. Not sure what I’m looking for on here but I feel so down and I feel like I’m going crazy with constantly overthinking of everything :(

I just feel like I wish I did things differently he told me I didn’t give him enough affection; but I didn’t know that’s how he felt at the time as he always told me how happy he was. I didn’t think I had to change anything at all :(. I feel like I’ll never find anyone as kind as him again

Don’t doubt yourself - he’s just deliberately trying to make you feel bad, that’s all. Don’t fall for it.

Thank you. I just can’t wait to heal from this

OP, do not doubt yourself.
This was NOT a good man.
Your boundary was a good one.
He is a selfish, controlling, manipulative twat that I absolutely believe would have abused you long term.
You never saw the real him clearly, just glimpses on the day of your grandmother's funeral when his mask slipped a bit.
One rule for you, one rule for him.
Trying to control your relationship with your ex whom you co parent with?
Definitely not a good man.
He is now trying to punish you for seeing through him.
Be SO proud of yourself that this man hasn't had the chance to fxxk up your childrens lives......because he most certainly would have......to your bitter regret.
Cut him off.

OP - I don't think you are a bad person at all. And I don't think any of what you did was unexpected or unreasonable. He sounds impulsive and immature. He takes no responsibility for the impact of his words of affection and commitment to you. It is easy to say those words. It is easy to have strong emotions. But all these elicit a response and emotions from the recipient that the person who says it has to take responsibility for. And he obviously has no such sense of responsibility. Wise up - he seems like a narcissist which you should be glad has gone away. Years later, when you look back at this, you will wonder to yourself why you were ever even sad about him leaving.

Thank you. That means a lot 🙂

Thanks so much x

Try not to overthink it because there are not always answers to everything. You have missed a bullet !

Don’t doubt yourself. I think you were very wise - history would have repeated itself. That had already started.

Echoing what others have said.

It wasn't you, your boundaries were reasonable, sensible and any decent man would understand and respect them.

He's now just trying to make you feel bad, or, conversely, is so emotionally unaware that he's actually trying to make himself feel better by running you down.

But none of that is your problem, so as much as you can, stay strong, ignore, and move on with your head high. You are not the problem here, and you never were.

What's happened here is that you learned from your abusive relationship and you didn't let this carry on.

If a guy wants to move things this fast - RED FLAG.

From what you've described, he's toxic and he needs a therapist and not a girlfriend. He needs to grow up.

You have a backstory and that includes your kids dad, end of. If he can't handle that now, it would only have got worse over time.
The guilt tripping is deliberate manipulation, that would have also only got worse as well - 1 year isn't a long time at all, it would have got FAR worse in time and I think you knew that.

You haven't thrown anything away except bullshit. I'm sorry you are heartbroken right now, but you need to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and realise that actually, you're a woman who is prepared to walk away when things aren't right, when someone is being toxic and when they are projecting that toxicity on you.

This forum is FULL of women who can't do that, who won't do it because it hurts too much. You aren't one of those people though, no slight against the ones who stay, but be really really fucking proud of being one of those rare people who actually has that strength. The strength others wish they had.

He wasn’t the kindest ever OP maybe your rose tinted specs stopped you seeing his red flags.

Your boundary was absolutely fine and much better to have that rule than the women you see on here who move cocklodgers in with their kids after 5 minutes.

The way he acted the day of your grans funeral showed you what happened when his mask slipped and revealed the true him and it’s not pretty. He sounds like an immature jealous controlling bully - not the actions of a kind decent man.

Completely agree.

Be really proud of yourself that you have learnt valuable lessons from your former abusive relationship.

YOU have not walked yourself and your children into another one.

Well done.
Don't mind his empty words which are cheap, look at his actions.......they were of a nasty piece of work that would have caused chaos in your life and your childrens lives.

Abusive pricks HATE when potential victims see through them and run.👏👏👏

Well done OP.
Red flags on your grandma’s funeral day.

Block him if he keeps sending these self-pitying messages.

You’ve dodged one here.

💐

Yeah I completely agree. Block him. He'll keep banging your door down over this pleading begging and crying until you break. Don't give him that opportunity. He'll tug on you until you cave.

Red flags galore with this one. You are much better off without him.

Thank you so much
Really needed this today x

Thank you so much 🥹❤️

Yup - I'm super impressed that you realised this and have ended it.

Here's how it would have continued (if this wasn't already happening and you just didn't recognise it)... you'd want to go out to meet some friends for dinner. He'd insist on fetching you (so you don't have to walk home in the dark) but then be twitchy about when and where. He'd be worried you were out with your friends and that men were hitting on you (he just loves you so much you see, and he's terrfieid another man might turn your head). Perhaps he'd think that your friends/family aren't really a good influence on you and might suggest you spend less time with them or be unhappy when you're with them becuase he "misses" you.

Then there would be the nights at yours with th ekids. He'd complain that you are too busy with them and why aren't they in bed by 7:30 so you can have an evening together? And he'd be unhappy because you're discussing birthday gifts for them with your ex - makes him feel left out when all he's done is try to be part of your family, don't you see?

Yeah, you dodged a BIG bullet here.

I'm sort of surprised he wasn't pushing to move in.

He pressured the conversation a few times. But he knew I wouldn’t budge any time soon x