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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

my boyfriend is unnecessarily mean to me

25 replies

kittttt · 17/07/2024 03:16

so my boyfriend calls me up and i start the conversation by asking a question, something about about shifting my hostel room and he didn't seem to be interested in answering that question and just seemed really distracted. Then I told him that I feel lonely at the hostel sometimes (it's a different city from the one I live in and i don't know many people) and then he replies with maybe you should get a new boyfriend there who'd hang out with you (we're in a long distance relationship). I was like what are you saying are you okay? I get upset and eventually we hang up. It got me really upset and I cried the whole night while having a breakdown. The next day I was prepared for something like a breakup but he seemed to be talking rather nicely to me. I asked him what happened yesterday and he replied that he was just mad that his mother didn't bring him a particular dish he wanted to have and took it out on me and said sorry. I was like wtf? That's it? I honestly can't believe this man. This relationship is getting too stressful and I feel undervalued. Should I leave him? There are a dozen of situations in which I have felt severely mistreated but i somehow let them pass thinking that maybe it was me who wasn't putting the effort it required but now it turns out that even if I did it didn't change the way he treated me. Should I just end it with him?

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 17/07/2024 03:18

Yes, you should.

InWalksBarberalla · 17/07/2024 03:24

Yes.

urbanbuddha · 17/07/2024 03:25

Yes.

LadyMinerva · 17/07/2024 03:28

Absolutely you should end it. I'm just guessing here but you seem quite young. You have your whole life ahead of you with many adventures to come. You should never settle for anything in life. You WILL find someone that treats you right.

kittttt · 17/07/2024 03:29

So I have encountered a pattern in my 13 months relationship with this guy. Since the beginning he was consistently with calls and texts and didn't seem to miss a day to call or text me even multiple times a day. I would even tell him sometimes that it's okay to not call me that many times. It's been like this since then and I rarely have to call him himself since he's alwar the first one to call. Everything seemed to go normal except for this turbulences at times. Often he'd be expressing his inability to maintain a relationship at this point due to college and says he can't handle the emotional burden. At first i tried to make this as smooth as possible but even then we had our problems. Also he seems to be saying this again and again every couple of months. Stuff like i think I am not ready for a relationship, when I met you i didn't wanted to be in a relationship but got in anyway and stuff like that. It gives me the clue that he's finding it hard to be in this. When I try to discuss it with him he brushes it off. I accepted that he's not going to be able to maintain this for long as he takes his emotions out on me unnecessarily sometimes
so i even went out of my way to say that it's okay if he leaves and that there won't be any drama. He didn't want to leave either. He'd still call me up everyday multiple times. Often ending our conversations with love yous. And again out of nowhere he's express his inability to emotionally maintain this relationship. He'd ignore my desire to discuss any problems and brushes it off like don't the issues have to be addressed for the relationship to function? He seems to be not willing to put in the effort to polish the relationship and seems to be wanting to sailing on the calm waves with me. Whenever a storm arrives I am usually the one taking all the turmoil alone as he is usually emotionally unavailable to my distress. He is open to all sorts of other conversations and honestly it's quite insightful to discuss with him about things but that's as far as our conversations go. He has almost altogether stopped listening to me. He seems to be irritated with me often too like he'd take out his frustration on me sometimes which gets me hurt. I have often cried for long hours after a conversation like that but I refrain from telling him that because telling him that he doesn't address my emotions only gets him off and he somehow blames everything on me. I stopped telling him about this emotions altogether. I didn't tell him about me being on Zoloft since he expressed his hatred for depressed people. I am not necessarily depressed but do have anxiety issues hence the medication and they keep me going good. He seems to be expressing his disgust at me crying over something that hurt me. I tend to cry sometimes especially if he says something hurtful. I stopped crying infront of him altogether because he didn't seem to like it. Almost said he hated it. At times I feel like he doesn't even like me but again he'd go from this menace to the sweet caring boyfriend he is changing forms in hours. I honestly am not able to keep a track of his emotional turbulences anymore and it's exhausting to have your hopes high every time only to cry in distress over a potential heartbrake any day. Things are starting to look very bad between us. I used to like being in the boat in the calm waters but the storms never cease to come. I think I am starting to fall out of love with him. He seems to be too but doesn't say it? I don't know it seems to me like he wants it to end and at the same time when I bring that talk he just brushes everything off and refuses to talk with me about anything. I don't know what he wants anymore. It's getting really exhausting now. I don't know how many more of this I can handle. This doesn't seems like solving issues anymore..these are beginning to seem more like emotional abuse to me. What do I do?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 17/07/2024 03:30

Yes. He sounds like a bully and I can't believe he lashed out at you because his mummy didn't bring him the right food. He'll be expecting you to bring him his meals and berating you for getting it wrong soon if you stick around.

iseegulls · 17/07/2024 03:32

What do you do? Leave and don't look back.

AimieDaisy · 17/07/2024 03:34

Hey lady. Listen to me. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

You get one life. Get rid of this man baby who doesn’t seem to bring any joy to your life and invest that energy into yourself. In a year’s time you can be in a much, much better place. You got this…

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2024 04:40

We've already told you what to do. You know what you need to do. Tell him to fuck off and then block him. You've wasted enough time already.

vanimal · 17/07/2024 04:51

Please please please leave this man now, he has nothing to offer you and will end up destroying every aspect of your life. You deserve so, so much better than this.

The advice you are getting here is from women who have already been in this situation, please learn from them (us) so you don't have to experience the same.

HoppityBun · 17/07/2024 04:54

Yes

Luckingfovely · 17/07/2024 04:57

Oh my god he is so not worth all this time and energy.

He doesn't really want to be with you.

He doesn't value you or prioritise you in any way at all.

He's just not willing to give it up completely - so that he can use you when it suits him.

This is not a relationship.

Repeat, this is not a relationship.

Finish it, block him, don't be tempted back by whatever lies he spouts at you.

And you could maybe do with some work on figuring out what a decent relationship actually looks like Wink

MaidOfAle · 17/07/2024 05:11

The niceness at the start is called "love bombing" and it's to get you emotionally invested.

He's now showing his true colours. "Dump the mother fucker already", to quote Dan Savage.

Newnamehiwhodis · 17/07/2024 05:19

you don’t need to figure out all the reasons to leave. Just break up. Your life is too valuable to waste on this kind of unhealthy dynamic. Why is he yanking you around? Because he can, that’s why.
it makes him feel powerful.

I hope you get out soon, and I wish you healing and a lot more happiness than this dreary pattern you’re stuck in with him.

PBandJ111 · 17/07/2024 05:40

Yes, dump him

User016529 · 17/07/2024 05:44

This sounds like an emotional rollercoaster for you OP.
A huge red flag as it shouldn’t be that way in a solid, loving relationship.

He wants the relationship to continue on his terms only.
Taking it out on you because his mum didn’t bring him his favourite food is also something to be very wary of. He will be expecting you to cook for him and will have tantrums if it’s not to his standard.

He sounds like very hard work.And a bully too.

Not much in it for you is there ?

Dump him and find someone who respects you.

Text him telling him it’s not working for you then block him so he can’t love-bomb you to try to get you to change your mind.

unbelievablescenes · 17/07/2024 05:54

So this man calls you up from miles away, makes you cry until the next time you speak to him, then dismisses it like it's nothing. What joy does he bring you? Get him dumped and blocked and get on with enjoying life. You need to get out and make a friend network where you live now he's holding you back from a distance. Scary power over you considering he's nowhere near you. Run girl! It'll be hard at
first but will get easier I promise

auntpanty · 17/07/2024 06:17

He's love bombing you
Emotionally draining you
And being mean to you

You are in a cycle where you are desperate to go back to the kindness so you put up with the nastiness.

End it and move on

NefertitHR · 10/11/2024 09:54

vanimal · 17/07/2024 04:51

Please please please leave this man now, he has nothing to offer you and will end up destroying every aspect of your life. You deserve so, so much better than this.

The advice you are getting here is from women who have already been in this situation, please learn from them (us) so you don't have to experience the same.

100% this. It isn't going to get any better. Please, end it whilst you can. His baggage is not your problem to solve and trust me, you cannot fix him!

Penguinsmum · 10/11/2024 10:10

Dump and move on...fast!

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 10/11/2024 12:40

Dump.

He's playing a game with you, and it's a cruel one.

Don't play with him.

Happyinarcon · 10/11/2024 13:00

It’s abuse. He gets an emotional kick out of abusing you and then reeling you back in and then abusing you again. It gives him a sense of power that he can treat you badly and still have you come back

ginasevern · 10/11/2024 13:04

Why are you even asking the question? If a man brings you nothing but worry and misery then what's the point? This one also sounds like a 10 year old child, only worse. Get rid.

Redcrayons · 10/11/2024 13:15

Sounds like he wants you to dump him, because he’s doesn’t want to do it himself.

this reads like you are both quite young, don’t waste your time with this one.

Ladyj84 · 10/11/2024 13:21

Your either both kids or your older than him but in all fairness he kind of has said he didn't want a full relationship and your hanging on

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