Argument that escalated

[Venu]

My partner of 15 years can be very childish and tends to hold a grudge, even after apologising.

One the flashpoints is around whenever I might spill something, burn a pan etc. I am a little careless and impatient at times and recently a put some whites in the coloured wash without thinking. It wasn’t a disaster except in pillowslip looked a bit blue! He thinks I don’t care when things like this happen and as soon as he accuses me of this kind of thing, I just come across as I don’t care because he is going on so much. I joked it looked better and I said I didn’t do it to piss him off. He goes in and on and I then I take ages to apologise. He brings up all my other dismeaners from years ago and it is tiring! We were putting out the washing and he was berating me so I left the room. He proceeded to throw some of my wet clothes in the floor and then he said to piss off. He has said F off when we had an argument over driving and I drew the line at that.

Now he has sworn again! He has a high pressure job and he gets very stressed but we are about to move into a new home soon from the flat we have lived together in. So I am concerned this behaviour may continue. I have had family staying for a couple of days so haven’t broached it but do I say something? Or leave it. He was lovely during their visit and I’ve since chipped a cupboard as the screws gave way weirdly!

I would say that if he ever does something like this again or swears at me, he can live on his own life in the lovely house we plan to move into.

I wouldn’t move in with him at all, he’s showing you little snippets of who he really is. He sounds verbally abusive if I’m honest, and if he can be lovely to others and like this to you then he has control over his actions and he’s choosing to speak to you like shit and treat you badly.

Thanks. I already live with him. We have some great times together most of the time, but there are times like the one I have described that make me feel concerned that I will end up living with a grumpy old man. I have spoken to him about these times, but things are great then as I said, he will be stressed etc and this irritable behaviour emerges. It’s such a shame as I want to look forward to moving into our lovely home but I don’t want to walk in egg shells constantly in case something like this happens again!

Bloody hell! It would be a little more understandable if you had made his favourite white shirt blue but a pillowcase? I would have just laughed.

Sounds like when other people aren't around he uses you when he wants to as an emotional punchbag.

Sounds like you are going to move in with him so my advice is to make sure whatever equity in the house you have is legally drawn up and always, always, always have an escape route.

Yes he will be a grumpy old man because he is a bit of a bully now.

Will he change? Unlikely only way to tell is to live apart for a while, say a year, until he knows you won't put up with this boring bullying. But it sounds too late for that.

So yeah, legally bind what's fairly yours, have an escape route and try to not let it affect you.

You are in an abusive relationship which will only get worse.
Do not have children with him as he will abuse them too.
You are wasting your time with this relationship.
Get organised and get out.

I live with someone like you. It's demoralising to live with a person who constantly ruins things. We are in the process of splitting up, I suggest you do too.

Stop apologising, it just puts you in the wrong when you are not. Bet he doesn’t apologise for being an angry fuck.

Thanks for your advice. He has a daughter and never displays any angry outbursts whilst she grew up. He is a very kind father. To be fair he is incredibly generous with money and we have had the most incredible holidays. He has bought the house and I have my own flat I am renting out. I don’t plan to sell it as it is there just in case I need it. He has lots of admirable qualities but there are times during stress that he can lose his temper. He has a very stressful job and struggles to sleep. He has really bad back ache at times. I will put it to him that he has to manage this. I will no longer listen to any more negativity coming my way. I plan to leave the room or house next time. I will put a line in the sand in terms of the swearing and throwing clothes on the floor like a two year old. What next? That is a concern.

I’m more than happy to listen to issues he has with something I’ve done but only if the tone is appropriate. I will
leave if I am sworn at again. This is the second time. There won’t be a third.