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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missing him terribly and regretful of my actions

18 replies

TheCoral · 16/07/2024 15:17

DM was diagnosed with a long term illness and DP made a really rotten comment when chatting about it. We were bidding on a house and I pulled out after his comment and went silent on him. Maybe this was manipulative but I was exhausted fighting for us. I fear I wanted too much from him during the illness, it seemed unrealistic to him what I wanted and rather than communicate with him, I became hot and cold (I didn't mean to but I was so frustrated with him). I deeply, deeply regret being like that with him. I let my emotions about DM cloud me.

Soon after going silent he got in touch about a passing in his family. I was there as much as I could be, for both him and his family. I told him I loved him and that it put everything into perspective for me. I so wanted to move on but he wouldn't hear me out. I took a step back trying to help as it just felt strained and we haven't spoken since. No 'official' break up and we were both living separately while bidding on houses so no real dividing of stuff was needed. I kept expecting to hear from him, I left the ball in his court

Today I happened to be near the house we fell in love with and I have felt pretty upset since. I want to reach out to him but I'm not sure that would be best for either of us, but I am missing him so terribly and just want to know he's ok (as well as knowing he doesn't hold it against me)

OP posts:

maudelovesharold · 16/07/2024 15:20

DM was diagnosed with a long term illness and DP made a really rotten comment when chatting about it.

Just remember what made you pull away from him in the first place, when you’re feeling regretful, guilty etc.

80s · 16/07/2024 15:25

Do you think his comment might have been awkwardly expressed and misjudged, or was it plain unpleasant? What did it reveal about him?

You seem very self-critical. Are you sure this is your fault? Were you trying to be manipulative or reacting the way that came naturally to you when he hurt you at a vulnerable moment?

Is/was he also critical about you?

Hatty65 · 16/07/2024 15:25

Look, he's a self centred prick who wasn't supportive when you needed him.

Raise your standards a long way, love. Why would you need to know 'he doesn't hold it against you' for actually having some amount of self respect and expecting basic decency from a partner?

You've lost nothing with this one.

oohyoudevilyou · 16/07/2024 15:28

you could contact him and let him know how you feel, but it looks like you weren't able to support each other when the going got tough. Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? Might be better to work on your own communication skills and how you deal with stress, and move on.

Original poster

TheCoral · 16/07/2024 15:34

I'm beating myself up about the good times and the fact we lost ourselves once life got stressful. It was my first relationship after a bad divorce and we were happy for a number of years

I didn't communicate well and I think I became jealous of the freedom he had in life, while I minded DM. I wanted him to jump to be next to me and I see now how much stress I caused him

He just didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, when I explained I was taking a step away from helping his family as I felt in the way (he clearly didn't want me there)

OP posts:

leeverarch · 16/07/2024 15:34

@TheCoral Did he ever apologise for the horrible comment he made that so upset you?

80s · 16/07/2024 15:36

He should be worried about you holding his behaviour against him. Am I right in understanding that instead, he's criticising you for your reaction? And manipulating you by contacting you only when there was also a serious/ "worse" situation in his family - then cutting off contact when you behaved decently in response?

Original poster

TheCoral · 16/07/2024 15:37

He made a half hearted apology, saying it slipped out when stressed @leeverarch

I think we would have spoken about it more but the circumstances then changed due to what happened in his family

OP posts:

Original poster

TheCoral · 16/07/2024 15:40

@80s I appreciated him letting me know as I was knew the person who passed. I then snapped back into partner mode to help but quickly realised I was like an awkward elephant in the room

OP posts:

80s · 16/07/2024 15:46

Sorry it didn't work out in any case, but maybe it was for the best. Were you together long?

Mildrewish · 16/07/2024 15:49

Have you posted about this before? Feels familiar...

Either way...he sounds very unkind. Also it sounds like he's not interested in getting back together. Please don't chase after someone who is not interested.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 16/07/2024 15:53

You'll be ok OP. We find people who deserve us in the end and your divorce may be affecting your judgement of this man too

FloydPink · 16/07/2024 15:59

100% reach out or it will eat away forever. What if….

yes, he made a bad comment. It sounds like you both failed at communicating then and let it snowball into a big thing. I would revisit and go from there.

Watchkeys · 16/07/2024 16:11

TheCoral · 16/07/2024 15:37

He made a half hearted apology, saying it slipped out when stressed @leeverarch

I think we would have spoken about it more but the circumstances then changed due to what happened in his family

So he's allowed to hurt you if he's stressed, and not really even bother to acknowledge it properly, but I let my emotions about DM cloud me is a cardinal relationship sin, for which you will be eternally shunned?

Can you see the double standards?

He made a horrible comment about your mum's illness, and was unsupportive whilst she was unwell. You were already 'exhausted from fighting for' the relationship. This doesn't look good.

You've made it sound like you've done something awful and unforgivable within a perfect relationship, when really, you had a relationship you were struggling, alone, to hold together, and when he let you down once again, you simply had no emotional energy to keep trying. 'Going cold' suddenly on a partner is very different from being turned off by them repeatedly transgressing your boundaries.

When you say you had several good years, and you 'lost yourselves', why are you also saying that you were exhausted from fighting for the relationship? Those things seem to contradict, in a way that highlights your very bright rose-coloured spectacles.

Original poster

TheCoral · 16/07/2024 16:18

I posted when he made the comment @Mildrewish. Thanks for saying don't chase someone as ultimately, that's what I think I'd be doing by messaging now

@Watchkeys It was good before that. The type of relationship that's maybe too good too fast until life throws a curveball and you realise it wasn't actually strong

OP posts:

LavenderFlowers · 16/07/2024 17:14

You tried OP. You sent the last message and he didn't reply. You tried to be there when he may have needed you and it doesn't sound appreciated

It's either his turn to get in touch or you move past this. You can't keep chasing it and he may also still be mourning and not thinking of relationships?

Original poster

TheCoral · 26/07/2024 15:15

Sorry I didn't check this recently but thank you @LavenderFlowers for commenting

OP posts:

Uricon2 · 26/07/2024 15:21

Op, you find out what people really are and how much they care when the bad times hit, not during a fortnight in Barbados or a long weekend in Paris.

It sounds to me as if he was really, really lacking when you needed him and although you have regrets now, actually you got yourself out of a world of (future) pain.

Don't chase him and consider the dodged bullet

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