In need of reassurance

[Flossy3]

I've told my husband of 18 years that I want to separate, I'm dreading telling our 3 children (16, 13, 8yrs) and the impact this will have on them, although I don't think it will be a total shock, particularly to the older two.

I work 30hrs, he works full time, earning considerably more than me. The disparity in our wages is used against me on what feels like a daily occurrence. When we go on holidays or do nice things, he says we are there because of his income.

He goes out drinking every Friday without fail, usually at around 5pm and often doesn't get in until 3am. He is then verbally aggressive to me the day after, and is usually back in the pub/ having a drink by the following afternoon. He has a terrible temper, he has never hit me but shouts and has thrown items of furniture etc and thinks nothing of belittling me in front of our children.

Over the past 18 years he has told me repeatedly that he wished he never married me and on numerous occasions has said he should go out and sleep with someone else - I've oftened wished he would, so that I would have no choice but to leave him! Whenever I go away for a weekend he relishes telling me the house feels better when I'm not there.
He hates my parents and feels they are too involved in our lives. His mum lives 2 hrs away and makes very little effort to visit, and sadly his dad died 12 years ago. His parents had a very messy divorce, his dad was a abusive alcoholic and I can see that my husband has similar traits.
He is over weight and unhappy with his appearance and projects that on to me.
I am by no means perfect, but I would not dream of saying the things he says to me to my worst enemy, let alone my partner.

I feel like over the years I have been worn down by his attitude, and don't really know who I am anymore, yet inspite of all this I am finding it so hard to actually walk away. I suppose 18 years is a long time?
My sister has said I can stay with her, however she lives 40 minutes away, unfortunately my parents who live 10 mins away, recently downsized and don't have any room. The practicalities of this are really worrying me. My husband works from home and has a lot of equipment there, so it would be more difficult for him to leave.

He doesn't want us to separate, he says if I show him more attention and make him feel more valued and do more around the house, then he will feel better and therefore be nicer. I just don't feel like I have anything left to give.

Thankfully I have wonderful family and friends who I know will support me.
I guess I'm just after reassurance that throwing this grenade into my family will work out best in the end?

Hi Flossy, I’m not able to give you any proper advice but I am in a very similar situation. It sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing.
I haven’t told him yet, but will do any day. Just need a moment without the kids around (school holidays 2 weeks in here!)
I am terrified though! And then even more scared to tell the kids. Every time I wobble I remind myself of all the things I’m looking forward to down the line and if I’m happier then the kids will be too. And I’d like to set an example for them I want to show them that happiness is worth pursuing.
I think they’ll thank me for it one day, I think your kids will understand too xx

I've read so many posts on here like yours @Flossy3 and the men always, always seem to want to behave as badly as they like but 1) it's all your fault and 2) they'd stay (even though you didn't ask them to) if you paid them more attention, which usually means they want you to have more sex.
One of the nicest things about long term relationships is being comfortable with each other, not always feeling you have to be at your best, but that can go too far and just move into disregard for each other and then it's all downhill. Would he listen if you had a serious talk or do you think you're past that?

Please leave this absolute waste of space. I'm so glad you have support. You and your children will flourish away from this horrible man. You will wonder why you stayed so long.

@furryboots12 I'm really sorry to hear that you're in this rubbish position too. I've really been swaying back and forth this week, which is why I wrote the post, I suppose. But once I see a very trimmed down version in black and white I know it's the right thing.
If I ever thought my children were being treated this way by a partner or they were treating someone this way, I would be absolutely devastated. I keep telling myself that I need to break the cycle and set a good example.
I really hope all goes well for you xxx

@Daleksatemyshed Thank-you for your message. He suggested counselling, but we have had that twice in the past. The first time being after our first child was born and the second after our third.
I dont think I can do it to be honest, I feel mentally exhausted and don't have much faith that it would have a long term impact.

@kittybiscuits thank you, I really do hope so. 😔

Hello Flossy, sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful. I sincerely think your life will be better without this dead weight. He doesn’t sound like he has much to offer in terms of making you feel loved and wanted, taking care of you. The children will he better off too as it seems this is not a great example for them. I wish you courage you will get through this. Sending hugs x

There’s a wonderful thread on here from dozens of women describing their, much happier, lives post divorce

Let me see if I can find it and link it

I’m so sorry I can’t find the thread

But I thought when I read it how much comfort and even inspiration it offered. In summary the respondents cited lovely clean and calm homes, better relationships with their DC, more energy and better health and, interestingly they pretty much all commented on how better off they were financially even when they had been the low earner.

i hope someone else comes along who remembers the thread and can link it

Good luck OP.

It doesn’t matter whether he wants to stay together. You don’t. You’ve tried counselling and you’ve put up with years of abuse. He hasn’t even said he’ll stop being so horrible to you “unless you give him more attention”!! Who would want to give someone rude, mean and abusive more attention?? Leaving him would be a great example to set your children.

My friend is currently divorcing a similar type of man after 40 years and he absolutely thinks the family pot is his because he’s been the bigger earner. From the moment she started divorce proceedings he has been hiding money and documents for all he’s worth. So try to screenshot as many financial documents as you can, and get yourself a great lawyer as soon as you can. It will be a bumpy ride for the next few months, but at the end of it you will be independent and undoubtedly so much happier. You deserve a better life than this. Go get it!

So he doesn't want to stay together because it's actually your fault that he behaves poorly, and if you would just behave better, the marriage would be a success?

Amazing.

How much do your kids know about the difficulties in the relationship? Splitting up will be the best thing you can do for them, you know. It might be hard to make a big decision that involves them, but modelling healthy relationship behaviour is invaluable. Show them how to walk away from an unhealthy relationship, and that's what they'll do, when the time comes for them. Stay, and that's what they'll do.

You are most welcome to my message @Flossy3 because I'd like to help if I can. He really doesn't sound as if he loves you anymore, sorry if that's blunt, but two lots of councelling have done no good and after 18 years you've got stuck because this unhappy marriage has become your normal. Do you know the boiled frog analogy- if you put a frog in boiling water it would jump out but if you put it in cold water and gently heat it up it will be lulled into a false sense of security- you are that frog- after all those years gradually things have got worse and worse but it takes a lot to make you look and see just how bad things really are.
He likes the house better without you, he goes and gets drunk regularly, he holds you in no respect but he doesn't want to leave? It's just easier for him to say it's your fault and blame you for everything but neither of you are happy.
I don't know how old you are Op but hopefully you have a lot of years ahead of you still, do you want them all to be like this? There's a much better life for you out there somewhere, in your place I'd leave and go and look for it

@CLEO42 that thread sounds amazing. I'm also curious to know how divorced women are financially better off post divorce.

I am definitely not better off! Not least because of my ex squandered our family money.

Also op, don't bother getting counselling with an abusive partner. It's pointless. But I guess you know that already.

I hope you can leave this creep. He sounds vile.

The impact it will have on them will be good. He sounds awful to live with, and ultimately allowing them to witness this dynamic is really bad for them. Sometimes parents breaking up is the best thing for the kids.

Well he can fuck off. You sound lovely and he’s an absolute pig.

He's not taking responsibility for his behaviour. He is abusive. There are never excuses to treat your partner that badly. I bet he doesn't behave like this with other people - he is choosing to do it. "If you are nicer to me, I'll be less abusive," is classic DARVO.

To quote Lundy Bancroft:

"The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation."

Splitting up is awful for the kids intially, particularly if both partners are not on the same page with the kids, but it's always better in the long run. You are lucky you have strong family support.

But you really do need to plan for this and get legal advice particularly on the financial and housing aspects before you make your move

Please get some legal advice (discreetly) and take copies of all your accounts, assets, mortgage, pensions before you leave the house. As soon as he realises that you're serious, the gloves will come off. You will see a whole new level of nasty. He sounds utterly vile. This is nothing to do with how nice you are to him, he's an abusive husband, end of. Your kids will be so much happier without all this going on in their home. Good luck