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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the verge of leaving, DH is ill....

11 replies

isitmyfault · 12/04/2008 08:25

We have 2 DC's. Last night was a pretty horrendous night. As far as Im aware when we actually went to bed things were okay. Been going through alot lately, long drawn out pregnancy loss (probably blown my name change now) but it has gone on since end of Jan.

DH lost it last night, he got up with youngest DC, gave him milk, got back into bed and kept trying to make conversation with me, I was half asleep, I admit I snapped. Spent quite alot of time in hospital lately I am exhausted emotionally and physically. He lost it. I was quite scared, he threw the covers back and said all he wanted was a cuddle. (which i did give him) he was frightened throught he whole preg loss he was gonna lose me and i guess it all finally hit him at 3am this morning. I tried to be sympathetic but as he threw the covers back he hit me. Pretty sure he didnt mean to, keeps saying sorry about it.

We went downstairs, he kept saying, all he wanted was a hug. It was the way he went about it. Tried to intiate sex, did stop when i told him to (still bleeding pretty badly from mc)

we was up for a few hours arguing, talking, crying, he is mentally ill, his paranoia, depression and anxiety is wearing me down, he told me I was a heartless witch maybe I was last night, I told him he was turning into his mother and he needed to get help before it got the to stage where he would trust no one like her.

Thing is ive tried the nice approach, he keeps promising me he will go to the doctors and see if meds are the way to go but it hasnt happened. I am about to walk out on it all. My eldest DC was woken up by his outbirst and sat in his room, he must have been scared, i know when i sat in my room when i was DC's age listening to my parents argue it was the most horrible feeling. I dont want that for my kids. I dont want to leave DH but i really cant see no other way.

I am at the moment deciding whether to pack a bag for me and DC's and heading off to my mums till monday but I am worried to leave him alone. I tried to call emergency doctors last night and he wouldnt let me. He does seem fine this morning but then I havnt spoken to him, hes downstairs with the DC's

In lots of ways hes the perfect partner, its just every 3 weeks or so he has an "episode" and im really not strong enough to deal with it right now, its getting to the point where i know exactly what hes gonna say next each time we go through this.

He says he'll never forget that I never hugged him (i did whilst still in bed but once downstairs I was angry at him for putting us through this without getting help)

I dont know what else I can do, his mum and dad have screwed him up so much he thinks th eminute he walks into the doctors they will lock him up

OP posts:
isitmyfault · 12/04/2008 08:31

been up pretty much all night so will check back in later, gonna go for a bath and a rest

he does keep telling me its all me

OP posts:
HereComeTheGirls · 12/04/2008 08:31

Not sure what to say, except ..hugs..it sounds terrible for you.

I think you must BOTH be depressed and hurting emotionally, not just him. You are probably needing someone to support you just as much as he is, and don't have the energy to just give give give to him.

It does seem to me that you need to pull together at this difficult time, and not apart. I am not sure how you will do this though, maybe someone will be along soon with some experience of this situation.

HereComeTheGirls · 12/04/2008 08:32

I'm sure he doesn't mean that, he is just crying out for help.

HereComeTheGirls · 12/04/2008 08:33

I think definitely that it would be a good idea to talk about this when he is NOT having an episode - tell him how it makes you feel when he DOES have one. He won't listen to you or see sense when in the middle of one.

HereComeTheGirls · 12/04/2008 08:42

I'm so sorry I just realised you said he hit you..have just got up and am half asleep. That does change everything!! I think if you do believe he just hit you because of his mental health problems at the moment then you DO have to leave if he doesn't sort them out. Perhaps you SHOULD go to your mums and tell him why, and say you will return if he gets help. And only return if you are 100% sure he will never hit you again, noone deserves that. There is no way you can allow yourself to be hit again!!! Please ignore the other stuff I said

NotQuiteCockney · 12/04/2008 09:20

But it sounds like her DH hit her by accident, which isn't really the same thing, is it?

It does sound like he needs help, but I don't know how you can convince him to get help ...

HCTG makes a good point about talking to him when he's not having an episode.

HereComeTheGirls · 12/04/2008 09:23

True...it's difficult..if he hit her by accident then what I said at first does hold..if she thinks it was more than that then he has crossed the line at which he has to get help IMHO ....

chocyholic · 12/04/2008 11:40

So sorry you're going through this. My dh has chronic depression and has regular rages, I know how hopeless it can feel. Don't think I'm the best to advise really, cos I've given it all I can and we're divorcing. But I'm sending positive thoughts, though - you've got enough to cope with, yourself, at the moment.

babalon · 12/04/2008 11:56

Oh poor you!
Maybe going to your mums might be a good idea to put space between you time to think. Tell Dh he has to go to doctors on monday or you won't come back. Go with him if you can.
Hope you get some rest

isitmyfault · 12/04/2008 12:35

we keep talking, going round in circles.

Ive decided not to go to mums DS needs to be in school on monday. He says he will sleep elsewhere tonight....

OP posts:
littlewoman · 13/04/2008 02:53

Sleeping elsewhere is avoiding the issue. Waiting for it all to calm down, only to repeat the same old same old is going to destroy your feelings for each other if you don't get help. You must both make a positive step forward.
If your dh is capable of holding down a job, it is unlikely that he is in a bad enough state to be locked up. Even if this was the case (and I'm sure it is not) would he rather spend a few weeks in hospital, or a lifetime without you and the dc's? Because that is what it is heading for, and in a 'cruel to be kind' way, you must make this clear. I feel very sorry for you both. But with a little intervention, it could all be made so much easier for you both.

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