Destroyed my relationship

[Em24S]

I recently told my ex fiance who I was with for 13 years that I cheated on him 4 years ago with my boss from work. I have held in so much guilt and shame and now I can't cope with how much I've hurt him and how disgusted I feel with what I did. We have a beautiful 7 month old and it's been hard going through a messy breakup while being a new mum. We still live together but he is now dating a women who sounds amazing and I really want to support him but it's hard as I love him so much. He deserved to know the truth even if it's destroyed everything, I am worried about the future but I need to stop being selfish and let him go. He said this woman makes him happy and it's killing me but I have no right to be mad. I wish we could just be a happy family but I've wrecked it and now I can't cope 💔

He's moved on pretty quickly then.

There's not a lot you can do regarding the relationship so you need to start moving on. Perhaps get some counselling to help move past your feelings of guilt and process what's happening.

That sounds really difficult, OP. Must have been hard telling him that. Can I ask why you ended up telling him? Do you feel any relief now? You are allowed to have ugly feelings at the same time as someone else is hurting. Let go of the shame and gulit, what's the point of those feelings. You are human, we make mistakes. Cheating is horrible and life is complicated and you are allowed to forgive yourself too.

Sounds very difficult having to live with him when he appears to have moved on with someone else so quickly, that must be very painful. I get you feel like you deserve punishment, but you are allowed to not be enjoying this situation too! Be really really kind to yourself. Being a mum, and a new mum, is a challenge at the best of time. This moment in your life won't last forever and you do deserve happiness too, regardless of mistakes.

Regardless of the reasons behind the split, you are not obliged to support him in his new relationship (which can't have been going on very long anyway). It would be easier if you didn't live together so I'd focus on that. I appreciate that might be really hard to arrange.

When you're not living together any longer, you can deal with your feelings of guilt and shame and focus on yourself. It was four years ago. Do you think you're a better person now? Do you know the reasons for your actions? I'd pool all my energy into being as good a person as I could and as good a mother. Everything happens for a reason and you can come out of this stronger!

I think it was after we had our baby I was truly happy with my life and had everything I ever wanted, but after blocking out what I did for years this guilt grew stronger and I couldn't handle keeping this dark secret so I had to confess. Even though our relationship had flaws we were in love but I was craving some sort of attention that I felt I wasn't getting, instead of talking about it I did the worst thing I could have done and I'm finding it hard to forgive myself.

It is really painful that he is dating, especially cause I keep asking him questions and needing to know everything. He says this is how he is coping and she apparently is going through a bad breakup so they are helping each other heal. He said he would rather be alone than be with me so I suppose I just have to try and stop loving him but it feels impossible right now. Thank you, that message has helped me feel like one day I can move on

You're just torturing yourself by asking loads of questions. I'm not sure why you're still living together but you need to separate your lives while you are.

I do feel like I'm a better person now. Being a mum has made appreciate what is truly important and that's family. When I was cheating on him I was in abit of a dark place. I got attention and I think growing up without getting the attention I needed as a child made me turn into someone who does things regardless of how it makes someone else feel. I admit I was selfish and a liar but I want to be honest with myself so I can bring up a daughter who will be caring and loved no matter what.

We only live together because he doesn't want to be away from the baby. Apart of me is glad he's still here cause I can't imagine being away from him yet. He was my first love and being with each other nearly everyday for 13 years is all I know. I've been talking to a therapist so I'm hoping I can get through this tough time.

Ah yes, I'm sure getting with someone else right in your face is healing for him. I can understand your want for questions, you are in pain and it sounds like you haven't had the space and freedom to process what's happened. I feel for you, wanting to try and do the right thing once you'd found yourself in a happy place with your life.

Using someone to help heal another relationship is just distraction in my eyes ( maybe something you learned with your exerpience) but that's his business. I know it must be hard right now, but really try and shift the focus onto you and your feelings, needs and how you can meet them. Loads of self care where possible with a baby! Do something really nice for yourself every day...wake up and the first thing you force yourself to say is...I forgive myself, I am kind to myself. Set the say up.

How long are you having to live together? Do you think there is some element of comfort still living in close proximity?

You need to live apart. You're prolonging the agony. And as you've now split up, his personal life is not any of your business so stop nagging Jim about it.

Sorry cross posted, OP. It sounds like you both want to hold on to the comfort elements of the relationship, but is it not like torturing yourself? Is he aware of what he's also doing to do now? Does he think you deserve this? I'm angry reading that- if he still wants to live full time with his child, has he considered working things out? It sounds like you are making way in understanding how your early experiences affected your self esteem and make you behave in ways you aren't happy with.
A clean break or forgetting other people and full focus on rebuilding your relationship sounds less toxic.

You need to move out and move on. Move in with family or friends to start with. He is having his cake and eating it, as he goes out with his new gf and comes home to you and his child. Whoever was right or wrong, this is not acceptable. Don’t let your guilt make you a doormat, or you’ll live in hell forever. Get out and draw a line under it. Forgive yourself! It was 4 years ago and sometimes lovely people do silly things, it’s ok, move on.

This is an unusual set up. What was your relationship like before the offending incident? Were you really happy?

I'm asking this from a genuine perspective: it's never right to cheat, but you've made a mistake, admitted it, and are now being made to deal with his new relationship, which it sounds like he's forming from an unhealthy place.

You said you cheated because you got attention, which does suggest that you didn't have enough attention already.

You need to plan really carefully. This can’t go on indefinitely, living together.

Make sure you are organising a sensible plan for the future.

Otherwise you’ll find yourself being punished for ever, managing the home and baby, with him staying put but sleeping around elsewhere, never reliably home so you can’t date.

You did something unacceptable, you've been honest about it, given him the opportunity to make an informed choice and by the sounds of it have learnt your lesson. There is literally nothing more you can do, punishing yourself and feeling disgusted with yourself forever is not going to help anyone. You've paid for what you did so now you need to start to forgive yourself.

Living with him is going to be very difficult, especially as he is seeing someone else. This has been a long relationship and it's going to take time to get over, and that will be very difficult when he is always around. Concentrate on your baby right now but start thinking about your future too.

How was the sex with your boss?

So shit it wasn't worth it