What have I done

[LostHeartBroken]

Let me start this thread by stating that I divorced from a 26 year marriage in 2019 after failed attempts at a consensual combined poly lifestyle with my husband at that time. I couldn’t handle the lifestyle and sought comfort elsewhere while my husband continued. Then divorced him. We went back and forth in trying a relationship until recently where I caught him talking to women from his past. However, I was seeing another man up until we got back together. These behaviors have not changed for me. I get depressed and bored then look for attention from others. I have recently been seeing the man I was seeing before goi g back to my ex this last time. I want to add my ex never comes after me, I chase him down and convince him to work on us. The other man I’m seeing treats me well, although has health, financial, and family issues. Well recently I received a call from an old lover stating his dad had died. I immediately went to see him in a different state to help him. I did know his dad quite well, too. I lied to the man I’m seeing stating that I was staying with a female friend and going to this man’s funeral. There was no funeral and I stayed with the old lover. Now I think I want to be with the older lover and he wants me. I’m 52 years old and quite obvious a narcissist. I also up and leave relationships out of the blue and go back. I repeat this step often. Help me please.

You need to follow your heart x

Why not get divorced and have a different lover in every town if that's what you want? Just be honest with people and say you're not looking for anything serious. Make sure you're using protection and stay safe.

TY for the input. It is because I am attached to all 3 of them.

Not sure what that is

You sound like a mess. If I were you I'd stop seeing men completely for the time being, and focus on how you can find nourishment outside sexual and romantic relationships. See a therapist.

It seems that you like the attention from these men. Do you have a lack of self confidence and esteem in yourself that you look for a man to boost yourself up? Do you have other hobbies and things that you like to do apart from these men?
I was busy chasing men after losing my Mum and Dad and didn't have anyone else to love me and made some not great choices. I decided to take a year off men and it did me the absolute world of good. It made me realise that I was ok by myself and my confidence improved dramatically. I realised what qualities I wanted in a man and those I didnt. I did buy myself a lot of vibrators! But when I came back to meeting men, I knew exactly what I wanted and dated wisely.

Therapy is not cheap and I don’t want to be alone. I do think you are correct though.

This is what is needed yes. I have no self confidence.

Therapy isn't cheap
That's a pretty shitty excuse though.
I've been going to therapy for years. Never mind the cost. I'm a whole new person now. It's helped me see what the patterns are that I keep holding on to and how these patterns are affecting me and others. It also helps make you accountable for your actions.

The good solutions are never the easy ones. Being a good person is hard work. The sooner you come to terms with that, the more you can become someone you're actually proud of.

She needs to follow the road to a therapist.

Therapy. Long term. You are not only hurting others but also making mess out of your life.

Look up Love Addiction. It can stem from childhood neglect.

The problem is your behaviour impacts on others and causes hurt - that isn't on. I don't normally recommend it but I think some professional help would be a really good thing to help you unpick all this. And stop mucking around with lots of different men!

To add...I have similar patterns. I'm in therapy trying to figure it out. There are many possible reasons to explore:

Are you not really cut out for monogamy?

Do you actually want to be monogamous?

How is your self esteem?

May you have a condition that impacts impulsive behaviour for example ADHD or manic depression?

God it all sounds like hard work. Where do you get the bloody time? Get some other interests.

Comments like this aren't helpful. Behaviour like this usually stems from something.

You don't want to be alone, but until you're okay with being alone, I'm not sure you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else. Being alone is fine. Any man should be there to enhance an already good life, not make up for the gaps.

Your ex - you say you're doing all the chasing, so leave it, move on.

You said you lied to one man while you went to see another - that's not okay. It's okay to have more than one lover - if they know about it and are making informed choices about wanting to see you if you're also seeing others. (If nothing else, they should e aware of increased STI risks - when did you last have a test?)

I'm with those who say you should give up on men for a while. Focus on yourself, meet up with women friends and men friends where there is no chance of romantic involvement, go to exercise classes, evening classes, take up dancing or knitting or hiking or something that you want to do for yourself. Take therapy if you want. But be fair to other people - stop lying to them. Don't get involved until you are clearer about what you want.

You really need to get therapy to help with this.

Is it only men you want?

I think there's something going you need to figure out (with help of a therapist if possible). Maybe you are scared of being hurt again, you say you don't want to be lonely but having several men on go is not leading to anything meaningful, you protect yourself by having one foot out. Whatever it is you should work on yourself first before going for a relationship. Or just casually date several men at the same time as long as you are open about it to those men. You say counselling is expensive but at least where I live we can have referral from GP or contact the counselling services directly and it's all free.

OK
Since you are not happy with this lifestyle, or rather it isn’t making you happy, plan A, long view needs to be to get to the bottom of what you crave but why it doesn’t meet your emotional needs when you get it. Therapy, good self help books, whatever.

In the meantime:
Do not lie to anyone. Not under any circumstances.
Accept that this means they may make choices which make you sad - e.g not choosing to stay with you.
However painful, it will be honest, honourable and fair.
That is a position of strength.
Give yourself credit for being honest, and taking responsibility for whatever that brings.

Rather than hating yourself for chaos and hurting people and hiding things.

Do you mean you have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder? Therapy probably wouldn't help much if that is the case. Most therapists won't even take patients with cluster b personality disorders on because they don't respond to treatment.

If you just have narcissistic traits but not the full blown disorder, you can change, but it will take years of therapy and work on yourself.
I'm pretty sure your life is going to continue to be chaos for both yourself and the people in your it if you don't. So those are your choices. I suspect you wanted an easy answer that doesn't require much work on your part. There isn't one. You lie and betray and follow your ego wherever it leads you, heedless to the consequences to others. That's not an easy fix.