What do I do?

[Workingmum89]

How do I know when it is time to leave? I have been with my husband for over ten years and in that time he has suffered from depression, changed careers then left jobs, started jobs, left again and is now without a job. He has a temper without all of this going on and seems worse at the minute. We argue badly at least once a month when something little I say turns into something huge and he blames me! I am on edge all of the time as trying not to upset him as his temper is one that scares me. He has never physically hurt me but what he says and how he says it are so upsetting, he shouts at me, swears at me, hits and throws things and I just dont know how much more I can take. I love him and we have a child together, I have supported him through everything over these past ten years even though he says I'm not bothered because my job is demanding but when do I give up? Why can't we just be happy like other families? He wants another child but I can't if we keep arguing and he loses his temper.

Have you suggested anger management or marriage counseling? X

I think that wouldn't go down well if I'm honest.

May I pm you? X

The time is now, OP. No doubt about it. Can you start to see a way forward?

You can't be happy like other couples because he is an abusive bully of a man.

For god's sake ensure pregnancy is not a possibility.

Couples counselling is actually dangerous in an abusive relationship, @Bennym8019.

I always think it is getting better then an argument comes, the things he says are awful. When it's good then it's good but he blames me for little things and says if we split it will ruin our child's life.

I suppose I've never seen it as abusive before.

I tried suggesting he has a temper and it resulted in an argument that was my fault and he said I provoke him so that's why he gets mad.

He shouts, is emotionally abusive and throws things to make sure you know that he is capable of violence and that you could be next to receive one of these blows. Don’t wait for him to hit you. You are already being abused. Emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse and can be more damaging psychologically. Please leave for your sake and that of your child. Do not have any more with him. Speak to women’s aid. They will help you with an exit plan. If you want to stay in your home and you have the legal right to, apply for an occupation order so that you and your child can remain in the home and be has to leave. If you need help with money until you get on your feet, women’s aid can help you apply for benefits should you need them. If he frightens you again before you have the chance to escape the relationship, call the police. Have him arrested for threatening and abusive behaviour. Once the relationship is ended, learn the grey rock technique and only communicate via a parenting app for childcare arrangements. That’s it. Keep a diary of everything. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is a better life available and support is there if you need it. I hope you have a good social support network too. Ask for help. People want to help.

Also, read, “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It might help clarify things for you. Don’t let him see you reading it and don’t tell him you’re thinking of ending the relationship.

he shouts at me, swears at me, hits and throws things and I just dont know how much more I can take.

And how much more do you think your child can take?

'I suppose I've never seen it as abusive before.'

Start now.

He wants another child? Madness.
He's scared of you leaving and trying to bully you into staying for the sake of your kid. He's depressed and unhappy, but he's just dragging you down to the same place.
Bottom line is you can't carry on as you are: You know that.
You say you don't know when to leave - so you know you have to. And if you have to, the time is now, it's sooner rather than later.
I'm afraid one of you needs to pack their bags - so please take advice and make plans as to how this can happen.

What you are describing is the cycle of abuse. Abusers aren’t awful all the time. They have moments/cycles of being nice and even love bombing to keep you hopeful and prevent you for leaving. It puts you off balance emotionally and makes you behave in order to try and get the nice side of the abuser.

You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is. You do not provoke him. Sharing your concerns or feelings is not provocation is communication and healthy. His response is unhealthy and abusive. Read the book I mentioned before. There are free copies online. I would also suggest you join one of the domestic abuse pages on here and speak to others who are survivors or are in a similar position to you atm.

please reach out to friends and family and tell them what is going on.

Is he doing all this in front of your child? I'm assuming your child can hear him shouting and banging walls.

Your husband is an abusive bully. It sounds like you're the breadwinner so at least you know you can support yourself.

No one has the right to shout at you and call you names. You are never responsible for someone else's behaviour. He's a grown man and chooses to act like this. It's not going to get better.

Get some legal advice regarding divorce, get some advice from a domestic abuse organisation on how to leave safely.

This isn't your fault, you aren't making it up. Look into the cycle of abuse. Contact women's aid. Do not get pregnant under any circumstances.
Get professional support and advice and take it, and get out. If not for yourself for your child.