Is it normal to feel this way?

[Teacherwifemumandmanyotherthings]

I met my husband 8 years ago, and been married 6 years. We have two children (who are 3 and 6 years old). We both work full time as teachers. I am extremely thankful for my family, jobs and life but I just feel so down at times and really not sure if the reason is my husband. I have tried to summarise a few points below.

1. When we go for meals we don't have a huge amount to say to each other. I am almost trying to think of conversation topics.
2. When we put the children to bed we often just put something on the TV and go on our phones.
3. I definitely do more than him when looking after the children. He very rarely takes them both our by himself.
4. He is SO lazy. He doesn't exercise and would be happy to sit inside all day. I am the complete opposite. I hate being in all day and way prefer to take the children out.
5. He is eating so much recently and it is actually making me less attracted to him (shallow, I know).

Are all of these 'normal' and just part of being in a long term relationship?

I think you’re getting the ick and as you are changing as we all do you’re growing apart and not together

Have you spoken to him about your relationship and how you feel? Do either of you do anything apart like a hobby or meet up with friends? Do you arrange babysitters and go away or go to the cinema? Is there any intimacy like kissing, handholding, hugging? Do you think he might be down re the eating?

Hi OP! Sorry you're feeling this way. I've been with my OH about 14 years, one DD, we're here's what's normal for us..

1. Totally normal to have comfortable silences sometimes, though we do both wfh so spend a lot more time together. But if you're finding yourself trying to think of conversation topics it's maybe not a comfortable silence? But yeah - some days we'll have plenty to say, sometimes not so much
2. This is normal with kids I think, we're pretty shattered by the time little one is in bed. We always choose something to watch together though. Sometimes spend a bit of time on our phones. But again we wfh together so chat plenty in the day - do you get a chance to catch up on how eachothers day has been?
3. We've found setting out clear jobs is best. I do morning drop off, he does evening pick up, I do food and dishes, he does clothes and hoovering, he does pj's and teeth, I do bedtime story. And we both take a few evenings to ourself each week for the gym. And we each spend time with kiddo whenever the other needs a break.

4 &5. Honestly we're both quite athletic outdoors people anyway. But if one of us is getting lazy or looking a little tubs we tend to just say something (in a kind way), we're quite thick skinned though and can take a few backhanded comments as motivation to get back in the gym

As PP mentioned above though, we've grown together over the years, not apart, so we tend to do activities together, or find similar interests and throw ourselves into those, we set similar goals, so we're always moving in the same direction... my partner got into kickboxing recently for example, and encouraged me to try the ladies session, and now we both go a few times a week, or I've been enjoying a particular podcast - so I'll ask him to listen for a bit so we can discuss it, or we find days out that eachother will enjoy and plan a trip for us all.

Could you find some similar interests to lean into? Especially of they're active ones to stop the laziness? Could you have a conversation about responsibilities for childcare and set some clear 'jobs' for him to take the load off you? Do you get time to yourself - can you leave him with the kids if you want to have a day out? Would your husband respond well to you being direct about his eating and staying in? Is it a change in behaviour for him? Would he tell you if he was down or depressed or needed help with anything?

And it's not shallow to want a partner who looks after themselves! I want my partner to be the best he can be for me and DD, and he wants the same for me - so we'll always call eachother out when we're not quite hitting the mark and encourage eachother as best we can.

Sorry - bit of a long response but hopefully of some help!

A lot of this sounds pretty normal, but you both need to put a bit of effort in to stop it getting worse.

With number 4 I think you're being a bit unfair to him. Maybe he's just more of a homebody rather than someone who likes going out a lot - I don't think that necessarily makes him lazy.

With number 1, can you do things together rather than just going for a meal, so that you have stuff to talk about (ie you talk about the thing you're doing)? Eg going to a gig or something.

To be honest you don't sound very compatible...that can work for some couples who do their own thing but are still quite happily married (harder when you have young kids to be fair). Some of it might just be the changes that come with having kids.

I'd start by getting my own network, finances and friends in order. But also have an honest conversation...