I just don't know what to do anymore

[Skyebe]

Hi

I'd just be grateful for some thoughts and advice.

Background: I met my husband from NZ in the UK 9 years ago. We have a 6 and a 5 year old together and got married in 2023. We have a house here in the UK. We have spent a few years living in NZ when the children were little and I was on maternity leave. I loved the life style and decided that a move would be on the cards.
However since covid my husband has changed. He's had on going health issues for nearly 3 years and in turn has had mental health issues. I've felt like a single mum often and he has become very self absorbed and doesn't really do anything for me or the kids. I'm the one who plans everything, sorts out school things, invoices, mortgage, finances, runs the house and I work full time. At the end of 2023 I told him I couldn't contemplate a move unless things improved.

Things did improve for a few months and I applied for a visa for NZ (my DH and the kids have dual nationality NZ/uk). The plan is to go summer next year.

There is something in my gut telling me not to go. I'm so close to my family here in the UK and they have been a huge support to me since DH has been unwell. They can see that I do everything.

My husband feels I just don't understand what he's going through. He is depressed for sure and says that the UK and our small house isn't helping him. I just feel that it's such a risk moving our entire lives. In our jobs here in the UK we both get sick pay and I worry about how he will work out in NZ when he is going through a bad spell of health.

I just don't know where it leaves us and our marriage if I say that I can't go whilst things are the way they are. What if his health doesn't improve? Am I being selfish? I feel he isn't really thinking about me and the kids in all this, just thinking that he will feel better with a move to NZ. I'm scared that if I move it will be a terrible mistake, harder work having no support, having to get a new Job etc.

I just need some words of advice...
My DH has made the comments that each day he wakes up not knowing how he is going to feel and gets why people who have long term health issues end things.

My children will always come first.

Could you consider going there on holiday? We went back to my husbands country on holiday, and he has been much better since, more energetic and engaged. After covid, he was badly homesick, poor guy.

I suggested that he goes out there for a couple of weeks to see family and friends but he just said he wouldn't want to come back. I know he is homesick but I feel like me and the kids are his home.

I don't know if deep down a move over there at this moment in time would just cause more issues but in a different place where I don't have a support network. If I went though and changed my mind I know there's no way he would want to come back to the UK. I'd be stuck there with the kids.

My head is all over the place

Isnt there some law that if you move to NZ and the kids have nationality there that you can’t leave with them again without the Dads permission? I would look into this if I was you. You don’t want to end up stuck there if you want to leave.

First, simply seems madness to make such a radical move if your gut tells you not to, if you have doubts and you're not completely certain - i.e. would be doing it to please/appease your husband .... and possibly to the detriment of your own and your children's wellbeing

Secondly, it's important for everyone to follow and make happen their own dreams, not to become an accessory to/in or mere enabler of somebody elses - i.e. seems like this might be what your OH is longing for, but this is not your dream or longing

Hence, as pp suggested, why not go for a holday to NZ as a family. See what it feels like .... for everyone - and you and the children.
If he then feels that that's it and he isn't going to go back and you feel the opposite, so be it 💜🌟

I personally would move to NZ in a heartbeat BUT you really don't want to be in a position where you and your kids are the other side of the world and you can't bring them home. I've heard many horror stories about this situation. You obviously have doubts about the relationship and it just doesn't seem worth the risk. Maybe go for a few weeks and see if it improves his mood but don't do anything permanent for the sake of the children.

You need to get to the bottom of your issues. Moving won't be a quick fix.

Listen to your gut.It is telling you what you should/shouldn't do.

What would you advise a friend (or sister- if you have one) do if they were in the same situation?

I second this, what happens if you move, your marriage fails, will you legally be able to bring your kids back or will you have to leave them behind? I wouldn't go being honest, what has your DH done to try to improve his life where you are? Has he done anything for his mental health and what is his physical recovery timeline likely to be? Do you want to be the main caregiver for everyone without your extended family close by in case you become unwell or can't work.

There was a thread on here a while back where someone had done this, moved to NZ, the husband was homesick but once there everything fell apart, he wasn't treating her well and she could not leave. Trapped in NZ couldn't get the same sort of work as in UK, so couldn't support herself in the same way, she was utterly miserable and he cared not. Be careful OP.

Another vote here for trusting your gut, you are definitely not being selfish, just sensible. It's a massive upheaval, with no guarantee things will be any different over there. Does he have regular medication / counselling for the depression ? Is that likely to continue or will someone wave a magic wand ?

You say your children come first, what would the quality of their lives be in NZ, education etc...?

He paid privately for some mental health counselling (refuses any kind of medication to help him). Things improved hugely around this time and that's when I sent my visa off etc.

I guess I'm questioning whether things have really improved and what life will realistically be like with a move. I just don't know where it leaves us if I say that I can't risk a move with the way things are when he is desperate to go

There's absolutely no way I would be making this move, knowing there was no way back. You need your support network because he is no support. You won't have one out there and he will but knows even if he doesn't want to continue the relationship you are stuck there. No chance I would do this. I'd say that I'm never going to move and see what he says to that. I get he has health issues but his health issues are affecting your mental health to and well being too. He's not thinking about you or the kids in this at all.

Your relationship and health of both of you needs to be iron cast to contemplate such a move.

It certainly shouldn't be a move to fix him whilst compromising your emotional well-being.

I really appreciate all the advice thank you

I would not be moving anywhere until he has properly sorted his mental health. Does he still get counselling or wad this something he did so that you would agree to move? Will he carry on counselling in NZ and why does he refuse to take medication?

It's a big risk that once you're out there he has no need to work on improving himself and his health.

Will he be able to give you what you will need after having made such a huge adjustment, you will need a lot of support can he give that to you?

If I was in your situation I’d sooner chop off my limbs than move halfway across the world where I could potentially get stuck with 2 children and no support.

I suggested that he goes out there for a couple of weeks to see family and friends but he just said he wouldn't want to come back.

If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know, I don't know what will.

All your husband cares about is what he wants and what he thinks is best for him. His own children aren't even at the top of his list. Please remember that your husband will never be able to run away from himself. Who you see now will be who you get in NZ, he'll just find something new to be miserable about.

If you move you will have no one. You will be fucked. You will be stuck half way around the world with no options. There is absolutely no way you should even consider this given the dire straights of your relationship.

I remember that thread @buidhe and I often search for the OP to see if she had found some kind of peace.

Before you decide whether or not to give a move to NZ a try look at The Hague Convention

I'll never forget the thread i read on here once where a woman did exactly this - moved to either oz or nz, her husband was a selfish arse in the uk, he carried on being a selfish arse and she was stuck in the new country because she was dependant on him and she couldn't come back to the uk with her children without her husband's permission. She was desperately miserable and the only way out meant she would lose custody of her children.

Don't do it.

If he is refusing any kind of medication to help himself (and his family) then he is the one being selfish. How much longer will he carry on in this mindset ?