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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

BPD , Engaged & Lost

7 replies

Massi85 · 15/07/2024 14:34

I'm very lost . Been with my partner 7 years . Engaged over a year . Over our 7 years I have caught him lying on many occasions ! One was about having instagram - so he could look at women 😠 . I caught him texting women when blackout drunk about how great they are etc. These women were all ex's or flings that never lasted. Recently he has been getting so blackout drunk that when he gets home , I literally can't be around him . The last time this happened he texted " hi " to another women , which I found. His response was it was to hurt me.

He has also started to get aggressive drunk which he never used to be.

He is also in the process of being assessed for having what we think is borderline personality disorder. When we are good , we are fucking amazing!!!!! But then all the lies - especially with seeking attention from women is too much . I don't know what to do as I've left him before but this time I think it's much harder now we are engaged. Don't worry I have no plan to marry him anytime soon which he knows !

Typing this I know exactly what I must do , I NEED to LEAVE him .... but I can't 😩

If it is a mental illness that he has , it would explain so much as he idolises me , has a strong fear of abandonment, literally hates himself on the daily & has weird tics . All of which has come out during our time together.

Basically had anyone been with someone who has BPD ? I don't know if I'm strong enough to forgive him ( again ) & help him through this .
Or am I strong enough to leave him.

OP posts:
HowlongdoIwait · 15/07/2024 22:39

Why on earth wouldn't you leave? It will only get worse!

cheshirebloke · 15/07/2024 22:48

I had a partner with BPD. Only advice I can offer from my experience is run for the hills.

Mabelface · 15/07/2024 22:51

It's not your job to fix him. Get out before he physically hurts you.

Copperoliverbear · 15/07/2024 23:16

100% you need to put on your big girl pants and leave, I've been in your shoes and it didn't get any better in fact it got worse with age.
Leaving was the best thing I ever did and could finally live a normal life

Pumpkindoodles · 15/07/2024 23:23

When we are good , we are fucking amazing!!!!!
Regardless of the BPD, you are putting up with an aggressive, cheating drunk who actively tries to hurt you, just so you can chase this high. This is not and will never be a stable relationship. So pick if the rollercoaster is worth the highs or not

cupcaske123 · 15/07/2024 23:28

Sounds like you're going through his phone pretty regularly. I'm not sure I see the point in the relationship. You obviously don't trust him, he might have a serious personality disorder, he's a drunk and gets aggressive, he's flirting with other women. What is it about the relationship you enjoy?

Dery · 15/07/2024 23:52

“When we are good , we are fucking amazing!!!!!”

Are you amazing or does it just feel particularly amazing because of all the shit he puts you through when things are bad? The upswings in dysfunctional relationships often do feel particularly powerful because of the contrast with the bad times, because of the relief that your partner is treating you well again and hope that this time he will continue to do so. Abusive/dysfunctional partners are often very good at love-bombing because they know they have to rebalance their bad behaviour. It makes for extreme swings which are not healthy.

If you’ve not read “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood, you should check it out. You might find it very relevant and helpful.

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