Should we move abroad?

[Hope24]

DH and I are at a crossroad in terms of what to do next.

My DH has moved to Malaysia on a short term contract and there is now a likely chance this will be extended by a couple of years. He is asking for us to move with him.

Thing is, I don't want to move. I am settled here, I have a fantastic flexible job and I have a really good family support system close by ( we have 1 DD and were TTC before DH left).

I don't know if I'm being selfish in saying for my DH to come back. It's always been his dream to live abroad and the developmental opportunity is a really good one.

I just feel like either way, one of us will have to make a compromise and this will have an effect on our marriage. I am worried about moving abroad and becoming isolated.

I love my DH, but this is tearing me up and I don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Malaysia has a fab ex pat community so you wouldn’t be isolated. And you’ll be swamped with family and friends visiting.

I’m sure the locals are friendly, too! ‘Ex pat’ is such a racist term. What’s wrong with saying ‘immigrants’?

Malaysia is an amazing country to live in and KL has great schools (so might other places, but we were in KL). I left 10 years ago and I still miss it.

Why should the OP give up a job that she likes and leave her support network to up sticks and live in Malaysia?

If you don't want to go then don't- it is not only on you to make compromises.

Having said that I'd jump at the chance cos I love Malaysia!

If you move and your marriage ends while living in Malaysia then your h could stop your dd from returning to the UK and she’d be resident in Malaysia.
Can you get a working visa ? Being a SAHM could make your vulnerable.

Never give up your job for someone else’s. He took a short term overseas contract with your agreement, while you looked after your joint child at home, which is a huge support. He returns, as agreed, unless you actively wanted to move there. You don’t, for perfectly valid reasons. He should be on his knees with gratitude that you supported him in taking the opportunity in the first place. Now it’s his turn to compromise.

Honestly I would go. What an opportunity for you all and that country is amazing in so many ways

It’s hardly an opportunity for the OP if it involves her quitting a ‘fantastic, flexible job’, not to mention not wanting to live in Malaysia, even if her visa would allow her to work.

Expats are different from immigrants in that that are foreigners who relocate temporarily for jobs and then return home. Indian folk working temporarily in Silicon Valley and then returning to India would also be expats

What about her job development?
We don’t know if the dd would get schooling as part of her dad’s deal.

OP, would you have a visa with right to work? Would you be able to get a job? If so, how would childcare work?

If not, would you be able to get a job if all of you move back to the UK after a break in your CV? For instance, if your DH's extended contract isn't renewed.

What about your pension provision, both state and private?

If you really don't like living there, could you and your child return to the UK and your support network? Would you be able to get as good a job, or any job, on your return?

I’d never, ever be a ‘trailing spouse’. wouldn’t give up my job for DH’s. Also wouldn’t stay married to someone who moved overseas for work, after DC. Was explicit about this before engagement.

I've been in that position and it opened up a new life. You don't know what opportunities will arise for you there and it could make a huge difference to your future financial life.

Thank you all for your replies and this has given me a lot of food for thought.

To answer some of the questions, if we were to go ahead with the move, I would not work straight away and after 2/3 months settling in period, I would start applying for roles. As far as I am aware, hybrid flexible roles are hard to come by there, so that's another consideration.

The other thing on my mind is that we will likely resume TTC once we are back together. I had a difficult time with fertility treatment and following the birth of my DD, I relied on my family support a lot as I was diagnosed with Generalised anxiety. I don't know how I'd cope if it was the same this time round. DH's new role means that he doesn't get much flexibility and doesn't have a great paternity leave package.

Everything is pointing towards not moving. But will we regret not trying? I don't know and that's the difficult part. Ultimately I know we have to make a decision, but it's so helpful to hear other views.

What does it mean for your finances? Would you be considerably better after a stint there

What is the actual upside to you as a family essentially - as it’s a big thing to move and disrupt if the “pros” column is not full with stuff

Is it realistic you could get a job? Trailing spouse would be very unattractive to me personally and I have seen the tension it can cause to relationships, both me and DH have moved abroad yet both have roles (realise not easy)

Yes, I commuted internationally in my job for years, but quit when I had DS and found something more local. DH also switched jobs before I went back from maternity leave. If both people want a child, they need to make their jobs workable with parenting.

And yes to never being a trailing spouse. I did spend part of a sabbatical once in an overseas city where DH was setting up a branch of his company because the archive was of interest to me, and I saw a lot of disenfranchised, unhappy trailing spouses. None of them, incidentally, male. It’s a miserable position.

Why is ex pat racist?

That's not how it works where I am. If you are from the wealthy country, you are the expat, if you are from a poor country, you are an immigrant. You can both have the same job.

As someone who has lived abroad as a "trailing spouse" for 8 years, you definitely need to be really sure of what you want. It's really bloody hard, but there are also lots of benefits. I was made redundant during maternity leave, then got a job which was hard work to maneuver around a baby and a husband who worked abroad a lot. We then moved abroad for his work, and I absolutely loved it. I got a job with his company, one that was completely different to the one I'd just left, which gave me a lot of opportunities and experience which I would not have got back in the UK. But I was lucky - I made friends easily, had a job, childcare was far far cheaper than in the UK, so we were significantly better off financially than if we'd stayed. This was not the case for everyone, I knew a lot of miserable wives (and yes it is mostly wives) in the trailing spouse community. Not everyone could work, some struggled to make friends and a lot found it hard being away from family and friends back in the UK.

We're in another country now, and it's not been as easy as the first country we moved to-it's been a lot harder to make friends and with the language barrier and different visa restriction I haven't been able to work. If this had been the first country we moved to I wouldn't have wanted to do another one. So you really need to look into what you want if you do move and whether that is achievable in Malaysia.

But our son loves this lifestyle - he's made friends from all over the world, has learned a language, sees places he'd never see if we were still at home. He gets a brilliant education and has become really confident and resilient because of it. He sees far more of his dad now because he doesn't have to travel away for weeks at a time. So it mostly works for us, although you should not underestimate how difficult it is to start a new life in a foreign country.

Was it something you discussed before?

Is it something you've ever wanted to do?

You can't plan for everything @Hope24 . I remember someone saying to me when I moved " what happens if you can't get a job when you come home?" I said to him " I may never come home " and I didn't - well not until retirement. You are either someone who is open for opportunities like this or you are not.

Has he accepted the further contract.?

I think you need a face to face conversation about it.

I wouldn’t go. Why is his job priority over everything else if you have a good job too?

That’s a silly comment. You can be ‘open to opportunities like this’ while being insistent that you’re interested only in opportunities that don’t disadvantage you professionally, or relegate you to ‘trailing spouse’ status. We’ve lived longterm in five countries but each move needs to work equally well for both adult professionals and to be a good idea for DS too.