Talk to me about renewing your vows

[Queencam]

April 2025 will be our ten year wedding anniversary. We’ve been through a bumpy ride over the years - infertility, IVF, infidelity - but we’re still here and together and have two beautiful children.

I’d like to renew our vows to mark this big milestone but don’t know where to start. I want it to be private and just for the four of us. Quite like the thought of doing it on a beach or outside somewhere.

Have you done it? What did you do? Do you get a celebrant or something? We’re not religious but I’d like to have a ‘guide’ there to make it feel more official.

Could you look at your council website, they might do a ceremony in the register office.

I think I’d have some concern, in your position re the infidelity, about it opening up old wounds. I mean, he said “forsaking all others” and all the fancy words once already and didn’t stick by them, and hearing them out loud again and wondering if they actually meant anything to him now would sting a bit, if me.

But beyond that, what about a humanist celebrant? They usually take the time to get to know a bit about you as a couple and will write a service celebrating your particular “story” - which could include your children and the family you’ve built together, who presumably didn’t feature at your marriage ceremony.

On our 25th I got in touch with our local church. Just the two of us. I got a new wedding ring (we were very poor at our first wedding and my ring was £30…).we had the new ring blessed..
I was very emotional because at the time of our marriage we couldn't get married in church because my DH had been divorced.. it was lovely and I cried..
We then had fish and chips on the beach...

You can do it at Gretna Green and have a nice weekend break.

If one of you (or both?) couldn’t stick to the vows first time round, could you in all good faith make those vows again?

Hello, thanks for the responses.

I shouldn't have mentioned the infidelity! Yes I agree it could be triggering - but its partly why I want to do this. To reaffirm what we mean to each other and celebrate our love.

It is irrelevant but our marriage broke down going through infertility and he had an affair. Devastating but we are finding our way through and have had a lot of therapy and are trying our best. We actively want to be together and make it work. I found out almost 5 years ago and we are still here - I'm hoping I'm through the hardest part, although some days are hard.

Human beings are not perfect!

I was really hoping for advice on the vow renewal part and how to make it special and how to go about it.

What sort of wedding did you have? Could you get the person who married you to do it in the same place? Otherwise get a humanist celebrant, just go on their website and search by your area.

Tbh most vowel renewals follow infidelity in my experience, it’s definitely a thing. I wish you well.

My in laws did a renewal of sorts last week at the church where they were originally married. It was quite nice really, they didn't do vows but the priest said some words about them and their marriage and did a sort of blessing thing. Something like that can be quite tasteful and I think it's a nice touch to go back to the same place, especially if it's a religious or meaningful one.

I do always think 'I wonder who cheated?' when I hear of people renewing their vows and there were some jokes about it, so be prepared for that if you tell people. In my in laws case they have been married 50 years though so it was obviously a mega milestone and nice to mark it.

The original vows don’t have an expiry date so no need to “renew” them.

Vows are for life - they don't need to be "renewed" (& a second or subsequent "go" just devalues the original ceremony).
If you're keen to make a big thing of your 10th wedding anniversary, then either go away for a weekend together, or organise a party.

Sorry to be so cynical, but I’d save your money for future legal fees and therapy in case he cheats again.

ouch ☹️

I am a registrar for a local council. We offer Vow Renewal Ceremonies and we have a lovely script which we personalise / adapt to suit the couple. Nothing in it is legally binding (as in original marriage / CP vows) and we either do these at our ceremony rooms or travel to venues. They are very happy occasions. I am sure many private celebrants would offer similar. Good luck with your plans and your future together. I think it’s a lovely idea.

My husband and I renewed our wedding vows for our 50th wedding anniversary at a hotel in September 2020. As it was just after covid only 8 of us were present but the rest of our family joined in on Zoom. As a lay preacher I put the short service together and a friend of ours who is a minister 'officiated' in a very informal way. The service began by playing the CD of the hymn I had written to celebrate 50 years of marriage and at the end of the service after the blessing we were all able to chat (separately) to those who had joined us on Zoom before moving through to the dining room for our distanced meal with tables arranged 2 metres apart in a circle. The hotel were wonderful and made our day really special - even going as far as creating a special Golden Wedding dessert all sparkly with gold. It was wonderful to renew our vows to each other after all these years and despite many ups and downs in life rediscover just how much in love we still are with each other. Good luck for renewing your wedding vows. PS. You don't have to have a minister officiating - it could be a lay preacher, or even a dear friend who is happy to read the service of blessing.

You could get a chapel blessing

Every time I hear about vow renewal I wonder which one was the cheat. My DH offered a renewal after he cheated too, told him it would make it obvious to everyone.

Vow renewals always scream infidelity and ‘we are trying to forgive and move forwards’

sorry but it’s just so obvious to outsiders

Did you go.ahead op?
Vow "renewals" (inverted commas as they dont/shouldn't expire) are fine as long as you dont want anyone else involved
If I ever did it again id do Vegas or something fun. Not on a tropical beach as we did that first time around but you catch my drift. Not a big showy dress church meal speeches etc thats ultimate CRINGE, people have been there for first time around,
I always think of Heidi Klum and Seal, they renewed their vows alot. Now they split anyway its like was that a sticking plaster?

And if anyone invited me to one and it was like a serious wedding with bridesmaids and best man I would 100% be like "who cheated"

Ah bless you @Queencam I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time. I am also in a post infedelity marriage and we have talked occasionally about renewing our vows ( neither of us wear our original rings anymore). To my mind it's about committing to a new relationship as the old one is dead and so I feel it is a worthwhile thing to do. However in my view it is a promise that should be kept entirely private between you and your DH - no way would I make it a public occasion or invite guests and I think some of the responses on this thread give you a clue why!

Might they? why?

We didn’t in the end. Thanks for kind words.

maybe we still will one day, I don’t know. If we did it would be private, maybe with just our children there.

I’d think the same! It just screams problems in the marriage IMO
Unless like the PP in-laws to celebrate 50 years. Good luck whatever you decide.