what to do about terrible relationship with my mother ? long sorry.

[sasquatch]

I have been wanting to broach this for a long time, just plucked up courage.
My mother left [abandoned]me and my three siblings, the eldest a child from her relationship before she married my father [his stepfather]. I was the youngest aged 6. her behaviour at time of breakup was erratic and violent.

Anyway upshot was no mother contact until about age 12, after a believed breakdown and hospital treatment. mother wanted and I agreed to it. Naive and wanting a mother.
This built up over teenage years. Developing a very guarded and superficial relationship with her.

Eldest brother disappeared. Middle brother disowns family and moves to theraputic community. Sis and I remain "friends" with her but not mother and daughters.

This remains the situation until my son aged 7, who had developed a very close relationship with her, was due to spend the night at hers. A couple days before this I get a call from casualty, my mother has been in and told them she is worried she is going to hurt him as he is a very demanding child and she has visions of herself smothering him with a pillow. So she calls off the baby sitting arrangement in a rather melodramatic way.

As a result of this social servces are involved. They visit me and son at home once and are satisfied. I have to agree that he will not see her unsupervised.

I call her and am very angry probably the only time I have vocalised this to her.
I dont speak to her for a few years. Sister takes ds to see her at christmases.

Well, mother thinks she can phone up and talk to my son, me when she wants because I have never challenged her and it is driving me mad. I have never challenged her on why she ruined my childhood and felt I didnt deserve an explanation, or on why she thinks that she is entitled to ring my house and speak to him as she thinks fit because she is now feeling better[!].

I dont know what to say to ds about it regards why I dont like her or what she has done to me. ie. left me unable to value myself as an individual, attracted to one dysfunctional relationship after another. Unable to function and join in in society.no confidence, depression and doing my best as a single parent to do something I had no instruction in from her or anyone else much.

Who else has this kind of crap to deal with?
how do you do it?
I dont want to ban ds from talking to her, but I want to break this cycle of nobody saying anything about what is going on and saving it all for our therapists. also my sister who is the only family member I have to talk to, is stuck in the middle.

Sasquatch - off on a total tangent, where is your Dad in all this i.e. did you, at least, have one good parent?

I had one excellent parent and one who left a lot to be desired. I am, relatively, undamaged thanks to my Mum but that didn't ever stop me wanting a good relationship with my late Dad.

It sounds like everything is very confused - your childhood and your needs now and those of your DS. Then, there is what has happened to your family. IME, every sibling lives it differently, too.

TBH, I would sort out what you need first and see if that allows your DS to have a relationship with your mother. Is there anyone you could speak to, apart from your sister?

Homes thread

You don't have to read it all or post about other peoples posts...just jump straight in

We all have dysfunctional families, some of us have gone non contact with our families, some emotionally divorce, some have contact by xmas/bday cards only.

You can also get advice on confrontation, some people going through that at the moment, it can be done by letter/email/phone/or in person.

You can also find ways to explain to your son about it all.

FWIW your mother sounds as if she could have a personality disorder(s) (borderline PD, histronic PD? Google them...) and her behaviour to you all has been emotionally abusive/neglectful as well as physically neglecting/abandoning you.

Anyway, look at the thread, see what you think...and if you want to post you will find support

oops!

1066,
My dad did his best, but was neglectful in a benign kind of way,I lived away with relatives, we all went to boarding school.
We were all split up. I suppose like all of us, he did what he could or what he thought was best at the time. He died 3 years ago.
I dont speak to my sister about this, we are that kind of family that doesnt speak about anything, thats how I got to where I am now, I guess. Even with my therapist I never get to the bottom of things.
Ally thanks for the link I am going to look through it, it is very long....

Also googling your ideas

That sounds such a sad childhood.

You are wrong about one thing - YOU are talking, so someone in your family is breaking away from the constraints.

Apart from your sister, your DS - do you have good friends, and a DP/H to support and love you? Do you feel loved?

I really don't know what you do about your mother - I have certainly cut all contact with some very unpleasant relatives but that works for me. I get to a point when I know I'm investing love, effort and time in people, who basically don't care and for me, walking away is the best option. It has always been very hard - I don't give up easily - and equally, I have friends with very toxic parents/relatives, who are still in contact and have also managed to get on with their lives.

1066,
I do have a few good friends, but am often paranoid they dont like me or have abandoned me. And I dont confide in them really.

I think I used to be much more sociable, and now am more and more isolated. I often think of my sister as selfish, but I know it is her own coping mechanisms.
Funnily enough my Gp. seems to think I am well at the moment.

Sasquatch, to me, it sounds like you are coping wonderfully. You appear very hurt from an unhappy childhood but prepared to allow your DS to have a good relationship with one of those responsible for that bad time. That makes you a very big person.

Of course, you are going to doubt people like you - building your self-esteem must be incredibly difficult.

Have you tried the Pollyanna approach - list all the people, achievements and possessions that you do have? I have a notebook - sent to me during a very bad separation - where I jot down all those wonderful moments. Oddly enough, there are very little possessions in it - when I need a lift, I have a look and life really is OK.

We all have our limitations and I'm finding as I get older, I am less tolerant, not wiser . Realistically, I think you are doing your best and it is good enough, if not pretty inspirational - so, be kind to yourself as well as those around you and if you need space, take it. If you need to talk, come here, - lets be honest, in RL, you are more than doing that - the GP and a therapist. I'd be proud of myself, if I were you - and I'm not easy to please .