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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Its still a mess

18 replies

55Ruby · 15/07/2024 11:19

Hello, another update since my last post in Sept 2023. Even now i feel i've not moved on.
The situation now is that he has moved out and we had a financial split but we are still legally married - this is because I'm not ready to apply for the decree absolute - he is not fussed and tells people he is now divorced.
Since her moved out in Feb 24 - I have tried to keep some contact, mainly for our DD19. He is still so angry towards me, ignores my messages, does not always pick up my calls (once a month if need to speak about DD or some other issue).
I have recently discovered that he is having treatment for cancer ( i was also diagnosed last year but had my operation and need no further treatment) I found out from a message left on the landline phone by the hospital). I called him to ask if everything was OK and he said yes, there is nothing wrong with him and he just had some tests, i didnt tell him that the message confirmed the date of his first chemo session.
Although he gave me no help or support last year when i had my tests and operation, i feel guilty that he is going through this on his own. I have told him he can come home for a while and i will look after him but his response is so angry and full of hate, he tells me 'IF there is something wrong with me and i want to tell you i will',
DD19 does not know what is going on with him as she wants little to none contact with him, she has suffered during the last 3 years because of his EA and his behaviour during the time which has led to her having counselling and being told she has PTSD.
I guess my question is should i ignore him and let him be - if he wants help he will ask, or should i let him know every now and again he has somewhere he can come if he is suffering and needs help.
What do you think?

OP posts:

HarpieDuJour · 15/07/2024 11:28

I understand the urge to help someone you loved for such a long time, and may still have some feelings for. But that isn't what he wants. I think that, so both of your sakes, you need to complete the divorce and back right off. Stop contacting him unless there is truly no other choice.

He doesn't want to be comforted or cared for by you. That's a hard thing to accept, but if you don't, it will only mean heartbreak for you. A person who is scared and possibly in pain will be far less careful of your feelings that they normally would, and may be quite cruel.

Thelnebriati · 15/07/2024 11:28

I think he has made his feelings clear, but you aren't listening to him.
He wants you to finalise the divorce and let him go. Its also time for you to move on.

Seaoftroubles · 15/07/2024 11:33

I think you have not moved on because you are still trying to involve yourself in his life. Your daughter has gone very low contact and you need to follow her example. She is suffering due to his EA and you are offering to have him home and nurse him following his treatment? How do you think that will make her feel? You say you're keeping contact for your daughter but it sounds like it's because you want contact for yourself.
Put your daughter first and stop chasing after him, he's made it clear he isn't interested in communicating with you. Then please get yourself some counselling to help with your boundaries and to understand why you are still seeking involvement with him. You need to drop contact and apply for that decree nisi so you can be free of him.

Original poster

55Ruby · 15/07/2024 11:33

@Thelnebriati You are right, i'm not listening to him. I dont know how to stop though. I can go about 4 weeks with no contact but then i have feel so low and sad that i make an excuse to call him, i need to hear his voice to see if the anger he has towards me is still there. He is so nasty and cruel to me but i can't accept this is the real him

OP posts:

Seas164 · 15/07/2024 11:35

Your DD wants little to do with him, she's an adult, and you do not have to remain in contact with him for her sake. Best to get that straight. You're hanging on to him as he has walked away. You need to let go, sort out the divorce and leave him be, or get dragged along until you do.

It's over, the kindest thing you can do for everyone, most of all you, is accept that you are no longer in a relationship of any kind with him, file the divorce paperwork and let him be.

Thelnebriati · 15/07/2024 11:36

OP you need to do two things;

Finalise your divorce, and
go see your GP, and ask them to refer you to therapy. I'd ask about CBT because you want something to help you deal with whats happening now.

Original poster

55Ruby · 15/07/2024 11:37

@Seaoftroubles You are right, i have not moved on from him and the decisions i make are stupid. I am in a mess myself and need counselling, i am on the NHS waiting list but there's nothing on offer yet.

OP posts:

AutumnFroglets · 15/07/2024 11:37

He is no longer your husband, or your life partner. Let him go.

Finalise the divorce, it's stupid not to. It involves one click of a computer mouse so not exactly complicated.

Stop contacting him because of DD. At 19 she is old enough to have direct contact should she choose. If you are contacting him about her MH then stop. If she wants him to know, or wants his help, then she can talk to him directly.

His health is his business. If he wants you to know he will tell you.

Basically you have split from him but you are still interfering and poking about in his life. No wonder he is getting angry. You no longer have any right to do that. Find a different hobby to fill your time and keep you occupied.

Dogskidsdogs · 15/07/2024 11:39

He is showing you and telling you who he is over and over. You need to listen, accept and walk away. Your daughter is an adult and is able to decide and maintain any relationship (or lack of) that she wants with her father.

Focus on your own happiness

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/07/2024 11:41

Why is he angry with you?

But at the end of the day, the relationship is over. So it's good if you can maintain cordial and friendly relationships for the sake of children etc, but it's not weird that he is not coming to you for support when he has cancer.

I suspect there's a massive backstory I don't know about here but as this thread reads as a standalone, it seems very odd.

BananaLambo · 15/07/2024 11:42

He doesn’t want or need you in his life anymore. Not signing the forms will not bring him back. It will just make him resent you more. Your DD is an adult and does not need you to communicate with her father for any reason. You need to sign the decree absolute and move on.

Original poster

55Ruby · 15/07/2024 11:51

You are all right, But why can't i still let go? I miss him so much, we were married 25 years and dating for 5 years. 30 years is alot and all my memories are of him.
I think i am suffering with PTSD, I pay for DD counselling but can't afford to pay for myself too - the NHS waiting list is too long and over the past 3 years I've had 2 x 6 sessions but they do not help.
I will stop contact with him again and see if i can go longer than the 4 weeks. I am worried about his health but like you say, if he wants my help he would ask.
The sadness is always there, i can ignore it for a while but it gets stronger and stronger as the days go on and I think he is the only one who can take it away - Yes, i know this is stupid and makes me sound as though i am crazy.
I take on my DD's pain and anger that i have to focus on her and dont have any energy to look after myself.

OP posts:

Lurkingandlearning · 15/07/2024 11:55

You have to let go now as strange and sad as lol no that will feel. You are annoying him and torturing yourself. There is absolutely nothing left between you now, it’s over.

Your daughter is an adult and they must work out what their relationship is going to be between them.

Steel yourself and do what you need to do to finalise your divorce. You said he already sees himself as divorced. You need to get to the same frame of mind. I know it won’t be easy, it will be painful. But it seems where you are now is painful anyway. You are keeping yourself in limbo. You’re can only start healing once the divorce is over and there is no more contact. It might not seem like it now but only then will the pain lessen and eventually stop. Be strong and face the last stage of this knowing it will make you feel better sooner.

Seaoftroubles · 15/07/2024 12:08

OP, l understand its hard but l would urge you to try and find the money for private counselling if there's nothing available on the NHS. For your own mental health you need to find the strength to finalise your divorce and let go of him. He is resentful and angry because he has moved on and doesn't want you interfering his life. You need to try to accept this and do the same so you can heal and get on with your life.

Beth216 · 15/07/2024 12:34

I don't know the backstory here so basing this on your post. When someone you spent most of your adult life with becomes increasingly emotionally abusive and then after 30 years together suddenly leaves - then makes out it's all your fault and you're to blame - it's probably pretty likely that you're also suffering from some kind of trauma.

It's not surprising you can't believe the situation, that you're obsessing over it and struggling to move on. You 100% aren't crazy, you're traumatised. The whole life you thought you had has been turned upside down, your whole future thrown into disarray, your daughter impacted by his behaviour.

Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself, understand that you can't fix this for dd only be there for her, she has to find her own way through it too. Support her in not wanting to see her father if that is what she chooses, don't try to change her mind or guilt her into seeing him. Don't try to keep contact on her behalf or use it as an excuse for you to keep in contact.

You need to give yourself 3 years to get over this sort of betrayal OP, that is the sort of time length it takes they say. I've been through similar and can confirm it's true almost to the day. If this happened last year then you're still in early days, you need to slowly wean yourself off him, lessen the emotional dependence (as that is what this is, not love any more) and start to emotionally distance yourself from him. But it will take time and if you fall off the wagon and contact him again then just get back on and try to increase the time between contact.

What you're feeling is completely understandable OP, give yourself lots of time, take it slowly and be very kind to yourself.

AgentJohnson · 15/07/2024 13:06

There’s no chance of him going back to the ‘old’ him because this is who he is and always has been. you just weren’t aware of it.

Your landscape has changed and that can be very scary when you had little input in the change. However, you do have the opportunity to write the future.

Contacting him only hurts you.

Original poster

55Ruby · 15/07/2024 14:24

Thank you again for all your replies. I feel a little stronger reading your comments and it knocks it into me that he has moved on and does not want to have anything to do with me, which is sad but the truth.
I am clinging onto him hoping he will realise i'm not the person him and the OW made me out to be and he is angry that his EA didn't actually lead to anything and he'd never met her - he blames me for this and thats his issue.
I will let him deal with his illness on his own, i have offered help and he's turned it down.
The future looks scary and lonely for me, but it is what it is.

OP posts:

AutumnFroglets · 15/07/2024 21:38

The future looks scary and lonely for me, but it is what it is.

Then you need to start filling it up from elsewhere. It doesn't have to be close friends but people you chat to once a week at a new hobby, or social group. Go to your local community centre or church hall and have a look at their notice boards. Same for some supermarkets or council website, or even the local wildlife Trust for park/canal cleaning. Volunteer at local fetes especially if they are being run by charities. Put yourself out there. After a while your heart and mind will be fuller and you can put your need for him to one side.

You can do this , have belief in yourself

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