This weekend we bickered about male armpit hair and ice cream

[pimmsoclock24]

Yes it is as stupid as it sounds. I need to offload. My DP is in a pretty down place and is so up and down its hard to know how he is feeling. Somehow despite being careful and considerate we are just so tired and are saying stupid things.

Context for difficulties in mood:

• My DP divorced 7 years ago, has 2 DD's one is 23 one is 19 - his 19DD is going through a stage of refusing to speak to him because they have different views on religion and politics etc. This has been going on a year and now she is back from Uni his hurt feelings are even more pronounced. It is the biggest cause of upset, deflation, hurt, anger and worry in his life all things come back to this and he feels like a failure
• I got cancer last year and as a result of this my mortgage got paid off. This is amazing I am so grateful for this gift. He is happy BUT feels like he isn't needed, isn't providing and therefore somehow a failure.
• He runs his own business by the nature of what he does it is feast or famine, sometimes it thrives sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't he feels like a failure.

Recently we have been bickering more about pointless silly things that don't mean anything. It always starts with him somehow taking offence to something I say in a conversation and I need to check I am not being an accidental arsehole....

Male Armpit hair argument:

I said I want to buy an IPL hair remover, he said does it work on men, I said yes, he said 'I could do my armpits' I casually said 'Most men dont shave their armpits' somehow this was offensive. I also said 'I dont care whether men do or dont shave its not offensive to me either way' he was adamant that 90% of men shave their armpits and the other 10% do not care about their appearance..... and then asked me to give examples of men who dont. I said novak djokovic took his top off and had armpit hair the other day, all the men on holiday had armpit hair, when I used to be married to my ex and went away with him and his friends they all had armpit hair.

This was so offensive to him. He felt I was comparing and implying I wanted him to be like my ex. He kept saying stupid things like, maybe I will grow my armpit hair and become and electrician. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and he kept going on and on. Its so out of character and takes all my strength not to loose my shit. The only reason I kept it together is that I refuse to argue over armpit hair.

Do men shave their armpits? Am I weird for thinking most dont?

I cannot go into the icecream fight. It was equally stupid.

How do we get back the equilibrium and stop bickering over the small stuff that means nothing?

It doesn't sound as rhough *we" are bickering. It sounds as though HE iis bickering...

[DD2's refusal to speak to him] is the biggest cause of upset, deflation, hurt, anger and worry in his life all things come back to this and he feels like a failure.
It seems like the division was caused by arguing / bickering about stuff. So why on earth does he think that it's a good idea to do exactly the same thing to you?

How long have you two been together. Do you want to stay together?

It sounds like you both have been through the wringer. You, with cancer and him dealing with his dd2.

The arguments are just small things showing his unhappiness. Just cut him some slack and make time foe both of you to talk about what is worrying each one. You don't need to find a solution, just off loading is sufficient.

I don't know any men who shave their armpits. Trim the hair and keep it neat? Certainly, but not hairless.

You had to know bringing up your ex would escalate things.

You've been through the wringer and need support. He is also having a hard time in his various roles. When you argue about seemingly trivial things it's never about the trivial thing. I think you could both do with getting back to doing some things that uplift yourselves.

To expand, I think you need to stop engaging. He has dug himself into quite the self-pitying victim state of mind. These arguments aren't about anything that actually matters to him, they are just about him proving to himself that the world and everyone in it are against him. You can't "win" here by engaging because all you are doing is "proving" his very distorted world view

It sounds as though he could benefit from cbt but he has to recognise he is not being rational, and he is being very destructive - of himself and his relationship.

Not sure what you can do other than tell him you're sick of his nonsense and mentally rill your eyes and say "yes dear if you say so" or similar... others may have more constructive advice.

100% want to stay together this is out of character for him its just seems frequent for the last 2 months - since his daughter came back from Uni and has ignored his every attempt.

He is a wonderful human but right now is totally lost and I just keep saying things wrong unintentionally!

this is what I am trying to do but some days its just a little much xxx

You're not saying "wrong things". His state of mind is turning normal remarks into "wrong things" in his head. Only he can fix that.

as stupid as this sounds. no I didnt. he asked who did I know that hadnt shaved their armpits. I was just being factual which in hindsight was maybe silly of me...

this is a really helpful view and a great way for me to view things so it doesnt get too much

So he has a deep rooted insecurity about ex's, which is ludicrous. A jealous nature and is trying to gaslight you into believing 90% of men shave their armpits, which clearly isn't the case ( unless he's from another culture).
Perhaps his 19 year old DD is also sick of his treatment of her for having a different pov. He comes across as self-riteous and only his opinion is the correct one, to the point of almost claiming black is white. People who are never wrong are insufferable. Does he communicate his views in a similar fashion to other men, or is he only correct with women? It might explain the divorce.

100% want to stay together
OK. I would suggest that you try to tackle this at some random time, when you are getting on and not bickering. Try to explain to him how it feels from your end, that you want pointless spats to stop and that you want to improve the relationship (Oooh clever me! Having had a quick squint at CBT, it seems that looking to the future, rather than dwelling on the past, is a key feature).

Invent a 'safe' word or phrase that you can say - for instance 'Pimm's please' - which acts as shorthand for "you're doing that thing again. Please stop, think and give your head a wobble." It saves you from having to engage, trying to explain complex feelings in the heat of the moment and trying to talk to someone who is not in the right space to listen. It's a sort of 'grey rock'.