constant moaning

[MyNDfamily]

not sure the point off this post, maybe just to rant.

My DH has this habit of moaning at me.

For example this morning. He found that one of our DS's had wet the bed, the conversation went like this📧
DH Do you know DS wet our bed last night?
Me OH no did he?
DH Yes there's a huge wet patch on myside
Me ok I'll give it a clean.
DH I don't think DS should be sleeping in our bed
Me well he doesn't usually it was just because he was in a state last night
DH ITs on myside now I have to sleep in it
Me OK ill give it a clean.
DH The mattress protector was left off now there is a huge wet patch on my side
He shouldn't have been sleeping in the bed. I have to sleep there.
Me ok, well I said i'll clean it.
DH I was just letting you know in case you don't know, Did you know?
Me No I didn't
DH he shouldn't have been sleeping there. The mattress is really soaked.
Me OK I already said I would clean it.
DH no you didn't I am just asking the question, did you know it was wet?
Me no I already said that.
DH Its just soaked.
at this point i got upset. I said I know and I will clean it, you don't need to go on at me
DH I am just asking a question

He makes out he is being so reasonable but the questioning upsets me,

Last night there was a similar bicker over the utility room, he basically said its a mess in there and he doesn't know how I get anything done, this came about because HE spilled some water from the tumble drier on the floor, it was my fault that there was a washing up bowl in the sink, and that is why he spilled the water. It was the same thing just moaning at me and then saying it was just a question.

These questions happen multiple times a day and I feel stressed out by it.

Everything always needs to be someone's fault mostly mine.

WWYD

For heavens sake stand up for yourself OP. Next time he starts complaining say 'please stop interrotogating me. What is your actual question?' Then when he's managed to get it out tell him he can help with resolving the issue, especially if he's made the mess! You are not his maid and you are allowing yourself to be browbeaten here. It sounds exhausting.

I hope your husband showered this morning before leaving for work

if the mess was on his side why doesn’t he ‘clean it’ -
why doesn’t he take your ds to the bathroom if he wakes
in the night

in answer to your question, - I would order a new mattress

Why didn't he clean it?

I don't think he wants you to resolve the problem, I think he want you to acknowledge he is upset. Try doing that and see how it plays out.

https://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/games/poor_me_game.htm

I feel your pain OP :-(

My DP is always picking and moaning - I walk on eggshells when I can see he's in a mood, as I can tell he's spoiling for a fight. For example, he didn't fix the loft ladder properly recently - when I tried to open it it pretty much fell down, scraped the wallpaper on one side - he then had a moan because of the damage. Didn't acknowledge that it was his fault in the first place...

I do sometimes say "so what do you want me to actually DO?" when he's having a random moan - more often than not he doesn't even have a specific fix! As a PP said, it's more like he wants acknowledgement/ validation. I lay the blame for this firmly at MIL's door, as she will still pander to his feelings rather than rocking the boat and just telling him to stop, like he's still a tiny tot and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. DP is 54!!

Tbf I would be mad a dc had pissed my bed. Not mad at dh but mad in general..

This!

You are too passive - you don’t have to have a huge row but you do need to try and assert yourself a bit more. Is that possible? or are you feeling so ground down with his behaviour that you’re just accepting it and taking the blame?

Try a customer service hotline tactic for when they've got a complainer on the phone and say, I can hear that you're upset, what can I do to help you with this? or something similar.

That should stop the circular conversation, it sounds infuriating. He's going round and round because he's not getting the answer he wants, but neither is he being clear about what he wants so you're sort of stuck.

Have you pointed out blaming everyone and everything except taking responsibility or just getting on with things isn't very grown up or manly?

I would tell him it's deeply unattractive and just tedious.

I take it the child is both of yours? Why do you rush to offer to clean the bed, like the child is solely yours? Let him clean it. Equally same with the utility

DH Do you know DS wet our bed last night?
Me OH no did he?
DH Yes there's a huge wet patch on myside
Me ok I'll give it a clean.
Me How unfortunate. You'll need to clean that and dry it out before you get into bed tonight, won't you. See you later, darling.

Fixed it for you.

Good grief, is he always like this? Blaming you for things, complaining, saying the same thing and asking the same question repeatedly? He sounds intolerable and I bet he doesn't do it to his friends or work colleagues.
I agree with the PP who said you should stand up for yourself.

How equitable is the division of domestic and emotional labour in your household? Are you doing the lion share of cooking, cleaning, child rearing etc…? Making the majority of decisions about how to parent your child?

It’s sounds like he is unhappy about the way certain things are run but because he knows he isn’t pulling his weight (so to speak) he doesn’t really feel justified in complaining and knows if he is more direct about it you may start insisting he steps up and becomes more actively involved.

Saying ‘I don’t know how you get anything done’ puts the onus on you to justify why the room is messy. ‘Surely it would be easier for you, if you kept it clean’. If he was direct and said ‘I don’t like this room being so messy’ he knows you could respond with ‘well tidy it up then!’

Same with ‘he shouldn't have been sleeping in the bed.’ Again you have to justify your decision to let your son sleep in with you. If he was direct and said ‘I don’t want him sleeping in with us from now on’ you could ask him how he wants to handle it instead. He doesn’t have any answers. He knows that an alternative solution would involve more work for one of you (setting up a bed on the floor or sleeping in with your son in his room until he settled etc..) and if he is the one to suggest such a solution it would be harder to shirk the responsibility of making that happen. If he just keeps stating the problem over and over, eventually you will offer a solution, then he can think ‘well it was her idea to do x, y or z, she should handle it.’

He is looking to place blame and find fault in you so that he doesn’t have to admit to himself that the real underlying issue is that you do more than he does and he is happy with it that way. If it is your fault then it is your responsibility to sort it out / clean it up / fix it. He is perfectly justified in doing nothing.

‘If you knew about the wet bed, if some how you let it happen. Well, then it is your fault and you should be the one to clean it up.’

The constant inquisition - he wants to know if you are surreptitiously punishing him for his shortcomings. That way he can ease his guilt. If you are less of a saint he is less of a sinner.

WWID? Talk to him about rebalancing the division of household labour. Tell him he has to take a more active role in the decision making, planning and execution of tasks. If he keeps repeatedly asking the same question, don’t give different answers until you find one he accepts - just say ‘you already asked me that.’ Try to look for the direct question behind the indirect one he is asking and answer that question instead. ‘How do you get anything done in this mess?’ - ‘tbh I struggle to, but it always seems to fall on me to tidy up and I have other priorities right now. If you think this mess should be prioritised then you should tackle it yourself.

Yes I know. The issue is that it leads to a full blown argument. I tell him to back off or clean it himself and then he gets upset and says I have misunderstood, he was just asking. He is never to blame. Such small things can lead to massive arguments. There's quite a bit on tension over the house as I am a full time carer to our disabled child so I don't work..... Its become that thing where because he does work outside the home and I don't that everything else has become my job. I have always worked until my youngest DS was born with a physical disability, he has lots of appointments and he can't go to normal childcare so the best option was me to stop working.

I feel ilke its me sometimes causing the problem though :-(

Thank you, that's so helpful. Yes he wants me to just tell him what to do a lot of the time. I get drained by it. I tidy the rooms and they get messy again, we have 4 DC all ND and one has a physical disability. The solution is probably him helping more with not only housework, but using his brain, he didn't want to think about where our DC should sleep, I actually asked him what we should do and he replied 'I don't know'

OP after reading your posts my heart goes out to you. You are doing your best to care for your DC under pressured circumstances.
Your DH sounds totally self absorbed.
He knows how hard you are working and his first instinct should have been to sort out the bed himself.
Had a really great counsellor once who would help with self esteem and this is how he would play this one.

1. when the question comes again after the first time actually ask him to repeat it - bear with me!

2. then tell him - I have already given an answer. So I’d like to ask you - are you confused about my answer or are you repeatedly asking me this in order to upset and unsettle me? Because if it’s the latter I’m leaving the room.

And then get up. See what he says. If you get a wall of silence remove yourself.

Repetitive questioning like this is designed to grind you down, in my experience, and make you feel bad about yourself.

He is a father. He knows kids wet the bed. They also get in with their parents sometimes. If he’s showing no concerns that your DS is distressed then that is unfair.

You say your DC are ND but is he too? The repeated asking of Qs and using them as ammo to start a row because he doesn't understand your answers would make me question this.

Sounds like he doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. Did he take the dirty sheets off the bed?

I don't understand the utility room situation. So he split water in there then complained it needed cleaning?

I'm not really sure what to suggest OP. Sounds like he's had a knock on the head with the weird repetitive questions. Do you think he's being passive aggressive?

I can only suggest you find some time to talk to him about the way he treats you and speaks to you. He rude, aggravating and lazy. You have enough to deal with and he sounds like another child. If you want to maintain the relationship then perhaps couples counselling to work on better communication skills.

Yup!

This. How does it fall to you to clean the bedding / mattress? Is he incapable of stripping a bed?!

I do most of the cleaning in our house (DP does all cooking, DIY, bins, car stuff etc) however if there had been any sort of accident, he would just sort it. He wouldn't even say anything. One of our dogs was sick all over a rug during the night last week. DP went down to make a brew before work in the morning, saw it and cleaned it up. He only mentioned it in passing later when he was saying about feeding the dogs and giving one a bit less as he'd been poorly. Neither of us would even think to tell the other - just sort it out and get on with your day!

As others have said OP, you need to be FAR more assertive and nip this in the bud before it even gets any legs. I honestly could not put up with this. Sounds exhausting.

I might have taken fresh sheets out for him to change the bed but I would have left him to sort it out - why is it your job?

When he says he is just asking a question I would say “and I answered it the first bloody time you asked it, I don’t need you to keep asking it 10 times!”.

Of course, he is not “just asking a question” - he is really just venting about the situation. He is not looking for a solution at that point, he just wants a good rant.

I think I would just walk away after you had answered in the first place - he can’t rant if you are not there!