Seperation

[Etoile1]

I posted here last month re catching my husband filming me when we were having sex.It was without my consent.

I have moved forward with this and decided that I want to seperate. I told him this and he initially just agreed and said he thought it was best too.
I felt a big relief after making the decision, we agreed it will take a bit of time to sort arrangements.I have looked at benefits etc, now sleeping in seperate rooms etc.I have done as much as possibe to distance myself.

He just appears to be ignoring the whole situation, he seems happy with the new normal in the house and is making no attempt to leave.

He is not approachable in any way, I have clarified my boundaries several times and he is not being pro active at all.

I feel like he is going to start being manipulative again...best behaviour for the last few weeks but he has tried giving me a few compliments.Tried to book me a massage, offering to buy me things.I went out with a friend the other night and felt like he was checking where I was etc.This is what he does, it messes with my head.

I was feeling strong but also found out my mum has cancer this week and this situation is just exhausting with this new worry too.

I haven't told my husband about my mum, it will be a new way for him to find a vulnerability in me again and creep back in/pressurise me to change my mind.

Anyone got any word of wisdom?Feeling overwhelmed.

Stay strong. I am sure that is very hard with everything going on but you must not let him manipulate you. What he did was unforgivable and he needs to leave. Maybe others can give advice of charities you can go to for advice & support.

The only words of wisdom I have is to proceed with a divorce. Nothing else will focus his mind as to how serious you are. At the moment, he's treating it as no more than a blip and is expecting you to get back in line and resume your former role / position in the pack. Taken control, discuss only things relating to the divorce and treat him as no more than a stranger who happens to share the house on a temporary basis. It's not easy I know but in a few months you will look back on this time and it will be nothing more than a tiny moment in life, a small bump that will smooth itself out as you head toward a better future and someone who will love you for the wonderful person you are.

Thanks both,I know you are right but I just feel so deflated at the moment. I need to channel my energy into making it proceed.It just feels like because of the way he is behaving I have to constantly psyche myself up to approach him and then he ignores what ever conversation takes place.

For me, I found that separating (in my case after being cheated on) and then being in contact afterwards - messed up my head. There are some similarities with you I think - when they want to carry on part of the relationship as friends, keep the bits that suit them, keep the illusion of 'normal', and of course for you - you're still in the same house being forced to interact every day, he's in no hurry to go because it suits him, it's convenient.
My advice would be that if you're not going to be together, you need to be apart. See if you can agree financial split, but one or the other gets out, rents short term, contact only for essentials.
It will be a short term financial cost but the mental health saving will be huge.

See a solicitor, that might provide you with a bit of resolve. From experience, dont extend the period that you live under the same roof past what's absolutely necessary. Push forward and get it done, don't proling the process. You'll thank yourself later.

It is worth the effort now as it will be so much better when he’s gone.